Vampirus

Good morning, Chicago.

You're listening to 93 XRB.

It's day 29 of the Corona quarantine.

I know many of you listeners are chomping

at the bit to get outside,

but please respect the mandatory shelter in place

for Cook County.

Stay home, stay safe, save lives.

Oh, and turn that radio up.

Our next song goes out to the frontline workers.

"Imagine On" by Grapetooth.

Oh, touch me there. Yeah.

Kissing's always extra..

Deal.

Hey, I just went for a walk, dumpling.

Nah, I told you, I'm off the cancer sticks.

What happened the whole trust talk we just had?

Stop. Just stop.

You're killing me. Okay, listen, just...

Here.

Uh... hello?

One second, babe.

Are you following me?

Hello? Look, I don't have any cash.

And this is where you run.

What?

I gotta call you back.

Where'd you go?

What?

Huh? What?!

You've reached the Cook County Emergency Call Center.

Due to high caller volume from COVID-19,

all of our operators are busy.

Please stay on the line.

9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Hello, sir, ma'am?

Hello?

What's that sound?

Is that your dog?

Ah. Oh, Je...

You stupid kids need to go back to school.

I'm the president and you're fake news.

Rule 456:

obey all traffic signs.

Stop, look, listen.

And feast.

I see you watching me.

It's okay. Don't be shy.

I deal with voyeurs all the time.

In here, I control everything.

Cut the music.

Come here, come closer.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

This journal holds all my routines, locations,

people and evidence.

My secrets.

Listen, in the wrong hands,

we would have another disaster.

I only kill bad people, like Peeping Tom over here.

But that's not you, is it?

Remember, this is a pandemic

and you're gonna need to give me space

if we're gonna do this together.

Oh, we're gonna be friends.

Oh, why, hello there.

You scared me.

Good. Whoa, hey, hey, hey, what's in the bag?

Uh, it's a bag of my stuff.

Yeah, uh, I figured, dude.

Are you the new tenant below me?

Or are you just tossing bags around?

I might have to call the cops

on your quarantine-breaking, yet...

pretty face.

Charming.

No, no, I... I'm... I'm... I'm pulling your leg,

I'm pulling your leg.

Sorry. Smokers, jokers, midnight tokers.

Come on.

Accept my apology, neighbor.

It's been a while.

Fuck it.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

One hit.

Nice catch. Oh, man, I've just been going crazy

cooped up inside this whole time.

Like, I was literally about to go murder my roommate

for something to do.

Sounds fun, neighbor.

Oh, don't call me neighbor.

I'm, uh, Ace.

First name basis already?

Eva.

Pleasure to meet you, Eva.

Shit, Walter!

What the hell, dude?

- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, get... Get that dribble off!

- Sh... - I'm sorry, dude.

Oh, dude, you could not have picked a worse time, man.

- Seriously, dude. - I'm sorry, man.

Literally.

Okay, that's my cue.

No, no, no, Eva, please stay.

Walter, you get out of here, dude.

Go find something to clean this up, man.

I... I am so sorry, Eva, I'm...

I'mma get out of here.

I might be back in five.

Step on in, watch your step.

Oh, what's going on, Tinkerbell?

- Eva! - Oh, hey.

Hey, I'm so sorry I had the vomit earlier.

Can I get through?

- Oh, you want to get past? - Yeah.

Oh, you... okay. I'll... I'll give you six inches.

- Feet. - Yeah.

Feet.

All right, I'll see you guys later.

Go ahead, sit down. There's a... There's...

All the chairs are clean. Don't worry about it.

Um, what do we have on buffet?

- We have... - Holy shit.

Duct tape.

I can use this on you, uh...

on you later if you're feeling frisky.

- Not really. - Too forward?

Oh, I'm going to feel that after quarantine.

Um, what do we got here? We got rice cakes.

We got tortillas.

Ooh, nuts. Everyone likes to get a little nutty.

All right?

Oh, speaking of Chinatown, Chinese.

No, it's not happening.

Ooh, eggs! Eggs!

Um, asparagus, pickles.

- I'm really not... - Pickled asparagus.

- Uh, ooh, Jell-O. - That all looks bad.

Jell-O would be nice and light, wouldn't...

Go to the store.

Oh, my God. Have you been to the store?

It's turning people into animals.

They're all hoarding food.

Go to the store... The Coronavirus is crazy.

Come on, let me make you something.

You are a guest in my house and I want to serve you food.

I appreciate the invite,

you trusting a stranger and all,

but I have an acquired taste.

It's a little... different.

You know?

Bonjour,

ici château de Ace, I am your server.

And tonight's special, oh! Whatever you want.

We've got the fromage, the jambon,

S'il vous plait. Merci beaucoup.

Again, charming.

Et... boisson?

I do have a craving, but...

Oh, come on, you have to eat.

You are a person, aren't you?

- I already... - Dumplings!

Like, my question with COVID-19,

is what does the 19 mean?

I've got a dumpling for you to microwave.

So, how do you like living below us?

Are we loud? Can you hear us?

Are we too loud?

Walter likes masturbating a lot,

so I apologize for that.

I mean, he just lets it fly.

Hey, has it affected you?

Do you still have your job?

What do you do? Are you a businesswoman?

Mm. You're a businesswoman, aren't you?

Making those deals?

I mean, that was creepy. I'm sorry.

You been watching Tiger King?

I think I'm one of the few people

that is on Carole Baskins' side.

I don't think she killed her husband.

I think Joe Exotic's crazier than that.

I feel like I'm asking all the questions.

You know what I... I read on, like, a first date...

not that this is a date, that I'm saying that this is a date.

It's whatever you want it to be. I don't like labelling.

And I heard that's not a good thing to do, either.

Just be, you know, a friendly neighbor.

Right.

Where's your bathroom?

It's the pee-pee police.

Just kidding. You doing all right in there, Eva?

Sorry we're out of TP.

You know, we literally call Walter the dump truck,

and, uh, Amazonia was all out of the "essentials."

But we got some coffee filters in there if you want.

They actually work surprisingly better

at wiping your butt than they do making coffee.

Why am I still here?

Why am I still here?

Why am I still here?