The Chaser's War on Everything

Now very deep, hello and good evening.

Thank you for joining us right around the country.

Welcome to the Wall for another week as we celebrate Australia's lightest tourist attraction tonight.

Yes, Queensland's got the big pineapple. New South Wales has got the big banana and now Tasmania's about to get the big ugly pulp mill.

It is going ahead.

This move aside Boone's mow and Steve Randell's finger Tasmania's got a brand new symbol to his butt.

And the first thing it's poked is Peter Garrett's credibility because he supported this mill just as much as the Liberals did.

Yes, yes, yes, but the real irony of the mill that it's going to be run by a company called Guns.

And Chris, I would have thought after Port Arthur.

Tasmania's would be pretty wary of anything involving guns.

I would have thought so, but they are very, as a matter of fact, very few of the locals wants this mill.

But the good news for them is that it's going to be building beacons filled.

So there's a pretty good chance that it will collapse and be shut down.

And the main local concern is where all the effluent is going to go.

And I've been a bit proactive about this.

I've re-routed the pipeline.

So now it doesn't go into the best straight. It comes out at Malcolm Turnbull's house.

It wasn't easy work, but now it goes pretty much straight into his pool there at the mansion.

Top work.

Very proud of you.

Also this week, a big television scandal, juicy scandal involving Australian Idol.

I don't know if you heard about this.

It's alleged that Shadow turns in the pocket of Hillsong Church.

Because four of the seven remaining finalists on Idol are members of Hillsong.

I think it's Daniel, Ben, Tarasay and Matt.

But I reckon it all bounces out, because Carl Sandelands is clearly the devil.

But look, it doesn't stop at Idol.

Apparently, Hillsong members are actually infiltrating lots of TV shows under the radar.

There are some telltale fans to tell, so I'll say.

What should we look out for?

We look out for.

It's the main clue is that they love to break out into song for no apparent reason all the time.

So obviously we're talking about people at Darryl Summers.

Poor McDermott might be a candidate.

And obviously this guy as well.

Oh, he's...

Please tell me it's not true.

Is this right, Andrew? Are you a mole from Hillsong?

Well, there's nothing to do with me.

I knew it.

I've all got the same stupid haircut too.

We're turning to politics and John Howard, have you noticed,

is still refusing to name the election date,

which isn't that surprising, given how badly he's still trailing in the polls?

I think the only thing that could save Howard now is a major terrorist gear.

Well, that could happen, because I know it's a post-Apic,

that securities become a lot looser again.

Do you even looser than Apic?

He's a looser than Apic.

It's become a lot more relaxed in a lot of our major buildings.

It's true. I found out this recently when I filled in from mate

as a delivery courier.

Now, when you're a courier, you can walk into a building and deliver pretty much anything.

Just a delivery of wheels.

Oh, you know, I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm just a deliverer. I'm just a courier. I just need a signature.

Is it been kicking all the time?

Yeah, it's been actually.

Oh, I hate it.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no.

Good, how are you?

I'm just gonna get a hold of a six just for I get this paper over it, right?

Yeah, it was.

Well, it's a sheep, man.

Can you use...

A sheep?

It's a sheep!

All right, can you use a sign for the year?

A sheep?

A sheep.

All right.

Yeah.

It's got delivery much.

Just a snake for...

No.

I got a... they said a little bit of the front desk.

You sure you can't just take it?

No.

It's deliveries.

Yeah.

What do you want?

Sorry?

What do you want?

Baby boy.

It's in kilos.

Oh my goodness.

You're good with me.

Maybe if you look after him.

I've got a few more to live with before.

You guys can just look after the baby well.

Exactly.

Just stay in the second gen.

Stay.

Stay.

Thanks very much.

I hate being not joking.

Take our stray.

It's a coat.

It's a body I don't know what it's for.

Can I just get a steamer chain?

I'm sure.

Melvin chain.

Just a coat of 6% of the difference.

Yeah, I can get it.

Okay, am I?

Do you know how you can use a sign for this?

No.

A coat in the back.

So, male corpse.

According to this,

I articulate this.

You look like a toy.

Seriously?

Yep.

Stand up.

It's a miracle.

Of course.

Here it is, the alternate Jeff Buckley collection

with the same 10 songs that appeared on the previous Jeff Buckley collection,

which itself was just the same 10 songs from his only ever record release.

And here they all are again collected on six more identical albums,

featuring Halleluja.

And also Halleluja.

A truly redundant box set collection.

Let's hope this really is the last goodbye.

Hello, guys.

The style of the World Public Trans,

but I can tell you I hate standing up on the bus.

You know what I had is when someone's got bags on the seat next to you

and I still make you stand up.

Oh, I hate those seat hogs that refuse to slide across to the window.

I hate those people.

So much hatred.

I can feel like the guy who will annoy me the most

and the people who sit in the disabled seats

when they're clearly not disabled.

I'm telling you guys, it offends me as a disabled person.

What?

Are you disabled, Jess?

I didn't know you would say that.

Or it's not disabled.

I've chucked full of disabilities.

Look at me.

No one believes me.

I hate that.

So my question is,

how minor a disability can you have

and still be able to play the disabled card?

Excuse me, mate.

Shouldn't you be standing for the disabled people?

What?

You're the disabled seat.

The disabled people standing up.

Mate, look at me.

I'll go running on this.

Thank you very much.

One of those is extremely runny.

You can just go save it for us.

Mate.

Mate, why are you doing this?

I'm a teenager.

I don't really think I'm a kid.

I don't really think I'm a kid.

I should take the age, but I did and now I've got this huge come down.

So, do you mind?

I'm serious in disabled.

Yeah, of course.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks mate.

I have a very severe case of hemorrhoids.

I can't sit on these chairs.

So I was wondering if you could do me a five-use lambie rest on your lap

for the one.

I have some compassion for a poor man hemorrhoids.

Thank you.

I'm Henley Captain.

That would be the perfect parking spot for me if you guys don't mind moving.

Oh, you did, sure.

What do you mind?

Because honestly, I've got really bad tennis elbow.

It's very gammie.

Oh, the tennis elbow kills.

Thanks for that.

Excuse me.

I'm a cripple.

So if I could go ahead, mate.

Excuse me, mate.

I'm a cripple.

What's your concern?

I'm a stick.

Excuse me if I can just push in.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

I'm a cripple.

I'm a stick.

Yeah.

So I just need to push in.

I'm disabled.