The Gardener (Le Jardinier)

Help! Help!

Help...

Hornet One, the King is in check. Repeat, King is in check.

Help...

You know how long I spent on those flowers?

No.

A long time.

SIX HOURS EARLIER

The list is ready.

Yes, sir.

It's on its way.

There are only five this year.

You have 48 hours to finish the job.

It'll get done.

I'll wait for the list.

- I've received our codenames. - Jealous?

This year, you're Quasimodo.

You're Esmeralda.

Esmeralda? Why do I always get the shitty name?

- I'm Phoebus. - I'm over it!

The list is on its way so get ready.

Hunting season is open.

It's going to be a bloodbath.

Watch out!

Believe me, Senator,

I'm working from the Élysée on a public holiday

and the hallways are not exactly full!

I bet it's even worse at the Senate!

But I'm here because your bill is important to the President.

In fact, the President has just walked in. One moment.

- What? - You're working.

Yes, you are.

- It's nothing... - What are you, a YouTuber?

Who are you trying to kid?

- It's the weekend. - It's Friday.

We're in the countryside. Your daughter's getting on my nerves.

You shouldn't talk about a baby like that.

I'm talking about Selena Gomez, here. You hear her?

Pack yo' bags and scram, son Damn, son

I'll pop you like ka-blam, son

I'll draw a bath.

Let me finish with Senator Bourlin

then I'll jump in the bath and I'm all yours.

Don't you get it? The bath is for me.

Watch the baby for once.

You think I don't want to look after my own daughter?

May I remind you, Mrs. Shuster, I was a parent before you were.

Your daughter? Who slaps you on the back?

Exactly!

- Who takes your money? - Exactly.

Who calls you Serge? She's not your daughter.

She's your buddy.

- Okay. Why don't you leave now? - What about Charlotte?

Did you breastfeed her? Did you stretch your perineum?

- Take some responsibility! - Absolutely. Of course.

I did try to draw milk but none came out.

As for the perineum,

I'll check it out next time I take a vacation in Rome.

He's crashing!

He's in hemorrhagic shock.

There's no pulse.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I have complete faith in the President on this.

I'll call Grondin as soon as I can.

I mean, I'll call his chief of staff.

Yes, Grondin's chief of staff. Absolutely.

What do we have here? Disgusting.

Well, well!

It's my old pal Sergio!

I'll be damned.

I need to go now, Mr. Secretary, sir. I have another call.

Thanks. Bye.

How's it going?

To what do I owe the pleasure

of hearing your sweet, yappy little voice?

Yappy? You've got a nerve!

You want me to yap at you?

Dominique! How's my little Dodo?

Great, great.

So...

would you believe it, at the hospital this morning,

I took delivery of a rider

from the Republican Guard.

This charming gentleman who, by the way, is deceased,

whose time on Earth has reached an end...

This gentlemen, in fact,

was carrying an envelope upon his person.

We looked inside

and found a list of names.

- Five names. - Okay. And?

So I took a look at these five names

because, hey, I know how to read,

and what do I find?

Your name, Sergio. You're number five.

I'm on a list of names?

You're sure?

What should I do with this robe? It was on the floor.

- The machine! - What should I do?

What kind of envelope?

Kraft paper, and bloody. Dripping with blood.

The guy crashed, after all.

Kraft paper? That's the Ministry of Finance!

Hey,

looks like your pal Sergio is on the shortlist to be Finance Minister!

Hey, Mr. Minister!

Don't forget your old friends!

Champagne!

Will you send me a photo so I can see the list?

I'll do that, Sergio.

- No problem. - Thanks, Dodo.

- You hang up. - No, you hang up.

No, you hang up!

Together, on three. One, two, three...

Three! I'm hanging up!

He's so silly!

Silly old Dodo!

Sivardière...

Why am I last?

What the...

I heard Dad saying,

if you can get rid of every single weed in the garden,

he'll keep you.

Have a good day, Miss Alice.

Come on, don't be scared.

He's shaking.

I don't want to die, I don't want to die...

Why are you scared of death? You work in a hospital.

I feel bad.

Let's get this straight before we start.

- What did I do? - Let the adults speak.

- Why Esmeralda? - Why not?

Because it sucks. That book has other names.

I think it suits you.

Why are you Quasimodo?

Don't forget, Esmeralda is a gypsy. She's sexy.

I can't stand carnies. They stink.

- I don't want to die! - Oh, no!

There, there, grandpa.

His heart will stop in three seconds.

Go see your friends in heaven.

There, there...

Heart attack.

Last call:

Serge Shuster. He sent him a photo of the list.

Shuster?

He's fifth on the list.

He's now our primary target.

Alice!

Serge! Can't you see I'm busy? Is this important?

Yes, it's important.

We need to look out for each other. That's what families do.

So, can you be nice to your sister and keep the noise down?

Half-sister.

Stop that.

She's my half-sister.

The two of you today. Unbelievable!

Where are you, asshole?

There you are.

What does it say?

He's here. Bingo.

Out in the country

at his second home with his family.

I want two teams on site.

The whole family, dying in a fire all at once...

So sad!

The angels of death.

Mommy's taking a bath. Just for five minutes.

I'm going to kill her.

No, baby!

Sleepy time!

Yes, my baby.

Let's try this.

That's it!

Works every time.

Why didn't I think of it sooner?

Now, time for my bath. Then I'm going to kill that girl.

This street here, he's first on the list.

We could stop on the way.

- It would help us warm up. - Why not?

He agrees.

It saves time.

Go on, Boss.

I want to hurt somebody. Please.

Trimming, trimming! Good.

Sir...

Léo.

I made you some fresh lemonade.

- It's so hot. - Yes, Jeanne.

Thank you.

Buddha's hand...

- With... - With?

Three drops of citron.

You're incredible, Léo. Just incredible!

Thanks, Jeanne.

Okay, all done.

So, mission number one is complete.

A fall down the stairs.

I had other plans,

but when the genius of Isaac Newton