Dracula Sucks

Father!

Shut up, Richard.

These nightmares are a bore.

The phony bitch.

Aunt Irene is not really concerned about my welfare.

She never was.

She always thought she was the Queen of Roseland.

All she wants to do is schtup and spend money. My money!

It seems so long since I last spoke with Daddy, but somehow,

I know he's not dead.

The everyday routine.

Ever dream of a life of romantic adventure?

Want to get away from it all?

We offer you...escape!

Who knows...

What evil lurks in the hearts of men?

The Shadow knows!

Paging Nurse Lawson.

Satisfactory patient now critical.

I'm nervous, Aunt Irene.

Relax, Richard.

Your sleepless nights will soon be over.

Irene, we've been expecting you.

Arthur, dearest Arthur.

Sybil.

So nice to see you, Irene.

And this must be your nephew, Richard.

Yes, it is.

Henry, show Mr. Renfield to his room.

Arthur, it's been so long.

You look marvelous.

-Well, I've been trying to take care of myself since my wife died.

What a way to learn about yourself.

-Yes, traumas do have ways of affecting one.

Arthur, I'm worried about Richard.

He's the only family I have and I feel so responsible.

Don't worry about a thing.

My friend and former teacher, Van Helsing, Professor Van Helsing,

is on his way here to do some research with me.

-He's already been informed of Richard's condition.

I hope he can help.

I can't take the pressure any longer.

Look. Why don't you just relax now?

Sybil will show you to your room. You may bathe, do whatever

you want, and just feel at home.

Thank you, Arthur.

We'll talk later.

Come, my dear.

Nurse Lawson to the morgue.

-Oh, another thing. Tell Nurse Lawson to see me in my study immediately.

Dicky, I must go to Transylvania.

I got a great deal on an old castle.

When shall you return, Daddy?

In a fortnight.

A fortnight.

A fortnight...or as soon as escrow closes.

Richard.

Father?

Richard.

Richard.

Father, wait for me.

Wait.

Father.

Wait for me.

Wait.

Don't leave me, Father.

Master.

Please, don't leave me alone again.

Master.

Master, I'm here.

You're not my daddy.

I am Dracula.

I bid you welcome.

Listen to them. Children of the night.

What music they make.

Mr. Renfield.

How do you know my name?

-Your father was my servant, as you shall be.

Once more, my blood has called for yours.

The blood is the life, Mr. Renfield.

Dr. Seward!

Henry!

Patrick.

The blood is the life.

I'm yours for eternity.

Back him up so he can get inside.

Get his straight jacket.

Let me go.

Put it on him.

Don't put that on me.

All right, pick him up.

Dr. Seward.

Professor, you're just in time.

Why don't you come --

I'll explain.

I can't thank you enough for this visit.

John, I'm so happy to see you.

Does this kind of thing happen all the time?

Don't worry, I'll protect you.

- I can never repay you, Van Helsing, for this visit.

Is that the patient I've come 10 see?

-Yes, it is, and I'll tell you more about him later.

I've missed you so much.

Here.

Is everything okay?

I don't know.

He frightens me.

Come.

Lucy, are you serious?

I can't get you out of my mind.

I can't take my eyes off of you.

I'm afraid I love you.

Don't be afraid.

I've never told anybody that before.

It scares me.

I didn't know you played piano, Jarvis.

I don't, sir.

I was trying to play a song.

I'll tell you what.

I'll play the piano and you sing.

Okay.

What would you like to sing?

-You know the song, "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"?

(singing) Swing low, sweet chariot,

coming for to carry me home.

Swing low, sweet chariot,

coming for to carry me home.

Well, if you get there before I do,

coming for to carry me home.

Tell all of my friends I'm coming, too,

coming for to carry me home.

Swing low, sweet chariot,

coming for to carry me home.

Swing low, sweet chariot,

coming for to carry me home.

I have done your bidding, Master.

Lucy was educated in the family barn.

You were correct.

Lucy is the slut, Harker is the homo, and Mina is a virgin, just like me.

Is Dr. Seward at home?

Yes sir, come right in.

Thank you.

Dr. Seward.

Yes?

I am Count Dracula.

I have just taken Carfax Abbey.

-Oh, you'll be our new neighbor. So nice to make your acquaintance.

Thank you.

-The place has been deserted for a long time.

What a resemblance to Richard's father.

I have a surprise for everyone.

We have a new neighbor.

I'd like everyone to meet Count Dracula.

I'd like you to meet my niece, Mina.

Hello.

Her fiance, Jonathan Harker.

Irene Renfield, an old family friend.

One of my new interns, Dr. Bradley.

Lucy Webster, Mina's college friend. And of course, my dear sister, Sybil.

Count.

The Count has just taken Carfax Abbey.

How charming.

It will be a relief to see some light in that dismal old place.

Would you all excuse me, please?

I have a telephone call.

- It looks to me like the Abbey could use some repairs.

- I shall do very little. It reminds me of my home in Transylvania.

It reminds me of that poem from school.

"The walls around were bare... as if the dead were there."

That's a good toast, Lizzie.

There's more.

"Let's cry for the next to die."

-Hey, Lucy, come on, never mind the rest of it.

To die, to be really dead...

It must be glorious.

Why, Count?

-There are far worse things awaiting man than death.

-(sing-song) Did you ever see a lassie, a lassie, a lassie --

Did you ever see lassie go this way and that?

Go this way and that way, go this way and that way?

Did you ever see lassie go this way and that?

-It reminds me of the broken embattlements of my castle in Transylvania.

God, Lucy.

Daddy, I'm confused.

I've got a hard-on.

You are a romantic.

-Well, you may laugh, but I find him fascinating.

You'll see.

- I think that you could someone a little more normal.

Like your John?

Like Dr. Bradley.

-He's sweet, but I like the more distinguished type.

-The more distinguished type will get you in trouble.

Daddy, I need you.

Why Lucy?

Play with me!