Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Love is overrated,

and built on very shaky ground,

whereas an affair with a wardrobe...

it's solid and it lasts forever.

That's £4,600, please.

I'll pay cash.

No. 1 unwritten rule of being an escort.

You're only allowed one lover.

Money.

That one's quite good.

Do you think?

You don't like it?

I just... think it looks a bit cheap.

Unless that's what you're after.

No, no. We, er... we don't want cheap.

And it's important that you're happy with it.

Um... this one is a bit subtler.

Yeah, maybe.

Well... would you buy it?

Well, I don't have to, do I?

You're angry with me.

No, it's just that... we're acting as though nothing happened and,

frankly, I just find that a bit odd.

I, er... I think we should, maybe keep it at work,

in the work place.

Absolutely.

Belle. Yeah.

We... We had sex... here,

which is very much in the workplace,

or on the workplace, if you want to count the desk. There you go, I've said it.

OK. Is that better now?

Yeah, it is, but I should probably leave

and come back and do the writer stuff another time.

OK that's fine. You go.

Great. Thanks.

I don't need a boyfriend, when I've got regulars like Al.

He pays well, and there's no bullshit. No games.

Hi, beautiful. How you doing? All right?

Good. You?

Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, great!

I missed you. So, what do you fancy doing today?

What are you in the mood for? Anything.

Everything. I'll let you decide. Perfect.

Can we do it on the floor again?

I love all that. Makes me feel all young again.

You are young, silly. Ah, stop it!

Say it again, a bit slower. You are...

All right, then. I'm gonna go take a little shower.

See? Easy.

Sex, enthusiasm, respect, clarity.

Yeah, that's it. Just there.

Is that all right? Oh, no, no, that's good.

That's better than good.

All right, just... a tiny bit faster.

No, a bit slower.

All right, faster now.

No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

That was close. Bloody lovely, though.

All right, come on. Your turn.

I want to get the speed just right, this time... and the pressure.

Sounds like pumping up a car tyre.

Well don't talk about cars, you'll get me too excited.

Have you done it? Yeah.

Oh, now that is a beautiful sight.

Ah, look at you.

Oh, well. It's only the cheap stuff. It's not cheap.

No, it's not classy, is it? Come on, up you get.

Is this your idea of classy, is it?

You watch it, you.

I'm in quite a strategic position, here.

Are you all right up there? What do you think?

Three sugars?

Yeah, magic.

That's for you.

What is it? A tip? Cheeky.

No, it's a, er... it's a retainer.

I'm thinking I might have a bit more time to play with

on this next contract, so I might make it round every Tuesday.

You all right with that? Perfect. How much is in there?

Ten hours.

Look, I did round it up, though, so if you want to give me a freebie,

it would be appreciated, thank you very much.

- I'll throw in a few blowjobs. - Great. We're going steady, aren't we?

You and me. Happy days.

Do you never...

Have you never fancied settling down?

You know, with a fella.

I can't have a boyfriend. Not while I'm doing this job. It's impossible.

Get out of it. You could have any bloke you wanted, like that. They can't handle it.

No? I guess it all depends on the fella, doesn't it?

Well, could you handle it?

Truthfully? Yeah.

All right, look. If I met you and I was single

and... and you told me what you did...

.. yeah. Yeah, I could definitely handle it. Course I could. Yeah.

But we'd have to be completely straight with each other.

Right. And this is coming from a man who can't tell his wife he takes sugar.

You cheeky mare!

All right. I should go.

Bye, hun. Bye, sweetheart.

Duncan, hi. Hi.

Can I come in?

Yeah.

Shit! Shit! Bollocks!

Hi. Hi.

I've... um. I just brought you these for your approval.

Thanks. We narrowed it down to four.

Great. This is unexpected.

Yeah, sorry. I should probably have rung ahead first.

Do you want some coffee? Sure.

I thought the, er, cuts you made were great.

Really work. Good.

Look, I know I was a bit... rubbish earlier on.

I'm not very good at all of that sort of thing.

It's OK.

Do you think we could, sort of... rewind?

Forget I was a bit of a twat?

Course we can. Thanks.

You're actually meant to say, 'Oh no, you weren't a bit of a twat. '

Oh.

And that's your second chance.

And it's gone.

Look, I really like you.

I'd like to see you again.

But I have to warn you, I'm... a complete and utter nightmare.

Is this supposed to be some challenge?

No.

Yeah, maybe.

What do you think?

I think it's only fair that I should warn you...

I'm impossible too.

Really. Really.

I mean, for starters, I'm completely OCD about cleanliness.

Hm.

Oh, you're lying.

Fuck off.

I'm joking. It's immaculate!

And hoovered. Hoovered?

Well, I'm gonna have to inspect that.

Oh, shit. What was that? No, it's empty. Sorry.

It's fine. No, no, no. It's not.

It's OK. Everyone should drink champagne in the morning.

What?

Just so long as there's no-one hiding in the bedroom.

No, nobody.

This is not right.

What? Al? No, no, no. You've got to go.

How come he doesn't mind?

Just like you said, if you want to be with someone, you want to be with him.

I was lying. No man can be OK with his woman doing what you do.

It's a no-go area. No ifs or buts.

You are so lovely.

Ha! I bet he says that to all the girls.

Do you want me to get him off you? No!

Ask him why it's not a problem.

Go on.

Duncan.

I'm... a prostitute.

I'm... an editor.

Yeah... why are you OK with it?

Well, it's just my job.

No, no, no. It... um... it bothers me that you're OK with what I do.

Then... I'm not OK with it.

Right, well, if that's the case, it can't work, can it?

You're not really giving me much of a chance, here.