The Campaign

What's it all about?

America, Jesus, freedom.

Say it again.

America, Jesus, freedom.

And what does that mean?

Shit, I don't know. But the people sure love it when I say it.

How's my hair?

Strong. Real strong.

ANNOUNCER (OVER SPEAKER): Let's send him back to Washington.

Democratic congressman today, vice president tomorrow.

Here he is, running unopposed...

- Hello, everyone! - ...Cam Brady!

North Carolina is taking care of business.

Just like you, every day, I'm living the American dream.

I come from humble beginnings.

My father worked with his hands...

...as head stylist for Vidal Sassoon.

Amen! Very much the typical American family.

I'm here today with my beautiful family, and I'd love for you to welcome them.

My two children, Jessica, Cam Jr.

- I love you, J. Lo. Camouflage. Get them, Camo!

And of course, my Rock of Gibraltar...

...Mrs. Rose Brady, my wife.

Love you, baby.

My dream maker. Thanks for coming out.

Cam Brady '012.

Our nation's security has never been stronger...

...because our troops and our veterans are this nation's backbone.

Because farmers are this nation's backbone.

Schools is this nation's backbone.

Audio-installation specialists and window tinters are this nation's backbone.

Because Filipino Tilt-A-Whirl operators are this nation's backbone.

And I wanna make you a promise today...

...that if you send me back to Washington, D.C., for a fifth consecutive term...

...I will let them know it's about America, Jesus and freedom.

We love you, Cam!

I love you too.

You got a lot of energy, don't you?

- Oh, Shana. - Oh! Oh, Cam!

Your body's so toned.

- Cam! - So toned.

- Cam, it smells horrible in here. - It's not that bad once you get used to it.

If it's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking.

This is bad, Cam.

This is real bad. Okay? I don't like those numbers at all.

- Just one poll. Those things aren't scientific. - Yes, they are.

All this is is science. This is math.

But if you took it and put it on its axis this way...

Hey, look, Cam, I'm telling you right now, it was the phone call.

Mm-mm. - Yes.

- No way. - Yes way. No, look at this, look at this, okay?

Sixty-two percent of the people that got asked liked you, okay?

Then the phone call happened. Then they asked the same question.

Now only 46 percent of the people like you.

Run through it one more time.

Look, before the call, this is you. Like Price Is Right.

And then look at that. Straight down.

I thought I was calling Shana. I misdialed.

And, Lord, we just pray that you bless this table...

...this food, this family and this nation.

Hey, Jared, let's let the machine take one for God.

CAM (ON MACHINE): Hey, Shana, it's Congressman Cam Brady here.

I just stepped away from a family dinner to tell you I wish I wasn't eating fried steak.

I wish I was eating Shana pussy.

Seriously, baby, you get me so hard my dick presses against my zipper...

...and it hurts like a motherfucker.

What else?

Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to The Producers.

And, oh, yeah, let's do something crazy weird next time...

like lick each other's buttholes in a Denny's bathroom.

All right, I gotta go. Cam Brady in '012.

- Okay. - Now, that was clearly a wrong number.

Right. - He is not listening to Jesus...

...because if he was, oh, Jesus would give him a tongue-lashing.

Not like the one he has requested.

And that family's hopping mad.

- What do you want me to say? - You tell me.

I fucked up.

Yeah, we're in a bad situation here, okay?

- What do you wanna do? - Get out front. Walk it back.

We can't have this. It's a behavior that has to stop.

But, congressman, you made the call.

I have made in my lifetime...

...probably over 100,000 phone calls...

...of which I could say maybe 1 percent have been inappropriate.

- What is that, a thousand phone calls? - That is exactly 1000.

A thousand phone calls have been rude, inappropriate, sexually explicit.

Phone calls I wish I could take back.

But that's only 1000 out of 100,000. I'll take those odds any day of the week.

(BAND PLAYING SLOW JAZZ MUSIO

Gentlemen, I can't bring this bill to the floor. I'll get killed.

There is no way Congress will let Motch Worldwide Global...

...put "made in America" on goods made in China.

Why not? The name of the town in China is America.

Oh, now, technically it's Mera-Kai.

My brother and I are job creators.

And because of that, we're also candidate creators.

My hands are tied.

That's a real pity, isn't it, Wade? Yeah.

By the time we're finished, half your district will think you're a Marxist...

...and the other half will think you've got every D.C. Craigslist hooker on speed dial.

Got it?

When the family plugged in their phone into the answering machine...

...they became consenting adults.

Cam Brady's done.

He doesn't have this district locked up any more.

Let's get Brady out of there.

Finance someone who'll be a friend of the Motches...

...and help us change these regulations.

Who do we have down there that we could run?

Big Jim Santon's in prison for embezzling state lottery funds.

- Sad. - Well, Raymond Huggins' boy Marty?

Isn't he the weird one?

Has weird ever stopped us before?

How, in the year 2012, do they still have an answering machine?

Why are they denied modern technology?

Make the call.

Come on, guys.

Hey there, Marty. - Hey, Tammy.

- Good morning, Dr. Scruggs. I have no idea who you are.

Hey, Diane. How's business at Candles 'N' Such?

Such is selling. I can't move the candles, though.

Yes, you can, Diane. "Can't" is the real C-word.

Cock-a-doodle-doo, Travis. You look tired. Did you get some sleep?

Yeah, I'm just real high.

You're hysterical, Travis.

- How's the turnout for the 11:30 tour? - Just one person signed in.

What? Are you serious? What happened to the eighth-grade field trip?

I guess the kids would just rather go to class.

- Well, I just need one person. - Yeah, well, guess who it is.

Mrs. Cutler again. She got a crush on you, Marty.

She's gonna have to get in line. Heh.

Hammond, or the jewel of the Carolinas, as I like to call it...

...is rich in history and flush with natural beauty.

We've also had celebrities pass through.

Eight years ago, actress Rosie Perez passed through...

...when she got turned around on the interstate and came to ask us for direc...

- Travis, stop, stop. Stop the tour. Stop the tour. - Now? All right.

Hello, Father?

Yes.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

WOMAN (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT): Oh, I's a-coming, I's a-coming.

Patience for the tired.

Now, you just enjoy that view from the porch, now.

Oh. Almost there.

Oh, well, my Lord, if it ain't Mr. Marty.

- Hi, Mrs. Yao. - Oh, come on in, child.

Oh, Mr. Senior's down at the docks trying to scare up some catfish.

He's still making you talk like that?

Yup. He pays me an extra 50 bucks a week.

Says it reminds him of the good old days.

He can be an old coot. - Yeah.

Well, hey, your daddy down by the lake...

...fishing for some catfish to fry up.

Mm, Lordy, that sounds good.

Catfish.

- Marty, you stack of cock rings. - Stop! Ha, ha!

Mouthful of pubes. - Don't tickle. Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me!

- Full revenge, man. - Stop! Stop tickling me!

I'm sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man.

You should see the look on your stupid face.

Ah. It's good to see you, brother. Daddy got a little surprise for you.

- Do you know what it is? - Yeah. But I ain't gonna tell you, dick sweat.

- Bam! Ha, ha. - Ow!

- It's still funny. - Come on. Let's not keep Daddy waiting.

Okay. Hey, Daddy.

Now, listen up.

Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning. You know the Motch brothers?

And they feel there's an opening to challenge Cam Brady for congressman.

And, well...

...believe it or not...

...they want you to run for office.

Dad, that is like the greatest...

This is like the greatest news I've ever heard. I can't believe this.

All these years I've been begging you to let me get into politics...

...and right now here it is.

I didn't even know they knew who I was. Motch brothers.

Well, I'll tell you this.

I'll make you proud. I will.

I'll make you... I'll make you real proud.

I'd say there's mathematically zero chance of that happening.

Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye.

But you look like Richard Simmons just crapped out a goddamn hobbit.

Dad, if you're still holding a grudge because I wore Crocs to Mom's funeral...

...like I've told you a thousand times, I'm sorry.

Mom would've wanted it that way. She was casual.

I don't even know what to think.

I got so many thoughts running through my mind...

...about what I can do for the district and for the town, for the people of Hammond.

Give them a voice. Put them in the right direction.

I mean, it's a mess out there.

Son, it's no secret we've never enjoyed each other's company.

You can be so bleak sometimes, Dad.

Hmm.

Did you ever get that calendar I sent of those animals dressed in human clothing?

I was looking at mine yesterday because I bought one for myself...

...and it had a giraffe in high heels.

And I thought to myself, "Who thinks of this stuff?"

I laughed so hard.

I thought it was super cute. A giraffe is tall enough as is.