Boston Legal

Clarence.

Alan, you… you might want to look at this.

–Paternity suit? –No.

–Sexual harassment? –No.

–Emperor's club? –Just… read it.

I got in.

I got in the auxiliary coast guard.

Denny!

Denny!

Denny! Denny, I got in! I'm in the coast guard!

–What? –Yeah.

–Am I in? –I don't know. Did you get a letter?

I don't know. I don't know. I…

I'm in!

I got in!

We're in the coast guard!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! We're in the coast guard!

We're in the coast guard! Yes!

Alan, we're in the coast guard!

We're in the coast guard!

Aah! Aah! Coast guard! Aah! Aah! Coast guard!

Boston Legal 4×20

You mean they actually got in?

We evidently need the soldiers. Good morning, your honor.

I'm not interested.

I'm here to see Alan Shore. If he's busy, interrupt him.

–May I tell him what— –No, you may not.

You may tell him who. Judge Harvey Cooper.

You mean it's not a social visit?

I will not suffer your sarcasm, Mr Shore.

I do not like you.

That having been said,

I have enormous respect for your legal skills.

I'm here to hire you in that capacity.

Please sit.

Why, thank you.

I'm in the coast guard.

Do you know where I hail from, Mr Shore?

A dark and scary place with enchanted creatures?

I'm from Concord, Massachusetts.

Right.

There's a reason I chose to reside in Concord, Massachusetts.

I'm an American.

Concord, Massachusetts, is where the minute men

fought off the British, personifying the heroism

and patriotism of what it means to be an American.

Oh, I'm the coast guard, so…

I come to you asking you to represent our historic town

in a rather drastic cause of action.

Which is?

We wish to secede.

Secede?

From the union. We want independence.

The people of Concord do not like the direction of this country.

In particular, its oppressive policies, both abroad and here at home.

It was Thomas Jefferson who said,

“whenever any form of government becomes destructive,

”it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it

”and to establish new government.”

That is what we wish to do.

The town council unanimously voted to approve it last night.

You wish to secede from the United States of America?

We wish to secede from the United States of America.

You're not serious.

They really want to do it.

And you agreed to represent them?

Yes. And how's it going with that bomb for Nantucket?

–Alan, come on. –It's been done, Shirley.

In 1820, a rather large chunk of Massachusetts

seceded from the Commonwealth. Today we call it Maine.

That was 1820.

Yes, and today there are five different groups

who are trying to secede from the United States? –In February, the Secretary of State from Montana

said they'd secede if the supreme court limited firearm ownership.

Maybe we could have a tea party.

Did they give you a reason for seceding?

Yes, they want to hold some neglected truths to be self-evident.

Isn't it exciting?

You left the room rather abruptly, Denny.

On the very day we get in the military…

What's the matter?

I don't want you to take this case.

Well, I already did.

For years, I've sat back, listening to you criticize the US of A,

accepting your premise that dissent is patriotic.

But seceding…

I am a founding father of this firm.

as senior partner, I'm asking you, drop this matter now.

I can't do that.

This will affect our friendship, Alan.

I have great… faith in our friendship.

I trust it will survive my taking this case.

Get out, Alan.

Denny, this isn't personal. You have to know—

Please, get out.

What do you think of this lawsuit Alan is bringing?

Uh, Concord seceding?

I'm against it.

I have an idea.

You had an idea.

I get one… every leap year.

Before we get too far into this,

I trust you've considered that you and your entire township

will be deemed anti-american. –Yes.

And that under the patriot act,

law enforcement is practically required

to investigate your motives… Not just the mayor

and the council, but the whole town.

They get to dig into everything in your lives…

Your political affiliations, your bank accounts,

credit cards, your e-mails, phone records,

the books you've checked out at the library,

the videos you— –Mr Shore, we understand fully

the provisions of the patriot act

and the litany of governmental powers it bestows.

That's one of the very reasons we want to secede.

You won't likely win.

You gotta know that, judgie-boy.

He's right.

There is no way any court is going to let a town secede

from the United States. –You just bring the motion.

In an election year, we'll settle for a shot

heard round the world. –All we're looking for is to survive summary judgment.

If we can just get to an actual trial—

Right. There's your political podium.

You just bring the motion.

Of all the ridiculous,

absurd,

preposterous,

outlandish,

far-fetched, incredulous— –Bring it home now.

–…outrageous… –There we go.

…cases you have ever brought.

Your honor, I believe if you just listened to us

with that mind of yours, which is so notoriously open,

one can hear huge gusts of wind swirling through on their way…

A town cannot bring a lawsuit to secede from the United States.

Of course we can. There's ample precedent for it,

starting with the declaration of independence, you hack.

–Mr Cooper… –I am still judge Cooper, especially to you, sir.

And if you were a decent judge,

you would understand that the jurisdiction

belongs in federal, not state court. –And if you were a decent judge,

you'd know that the federal courts,

wanting two bites at the apple to quash this,

would first kick it right back to state,

hoping you'll do their work for them. –And I plan to quash it, don't you worry.

Whoa. Let's not do any rash quashing, judge.

All I ask is for you to listen to us before—

Why?

Why?

It's what judges do.

They typically weigh the merits before ruling on them.

Did they not tell you this in judging school?

Go ahead and quash it now.

That'll simply allow us to refile with another judge,

preferably one with an IQ exceeding that of celery.

So go ahead. Dismiss it. We don't want you anyway.

Well, you've got me. I will hear this case.

–Uh, wait. That's ridiculous. –Of course you think it's ridiculous.

You represent the Commonwealth.

By the way, since the attorney general's office

is the Commonwealth,

our first order of business would be to disqualify you.

You're the state. The state is the defendant, judge.

That would be a very clever tactic if we weren't one step ahead of you.

We've already hired outside, independent counsel.

In fact, outside counsel came to us.

Really? Who? I don't see anybody.

You must be joking.

The Commonwealth has waived conflicts.

Wait a second. The same firm for both sides?

–Saves on guest cast. –Mr Shore?

Concord will waive conflict, your honor.

5:00.

Isn't it exciting?

Could be.

Denny…

Nothing personal, Alan.

This is a very bad idea.

–It was Denny's. –Oh, well, then…

Shirley, now it is good that we oppose.

First, it will offset any fallout this firm will get

for representing perceived traitors.

Second, what they're doing is wrong.

Whatever one's problems with America…

You should be telling Alan to withdraw, not Denny and me.

Who's arguing?

I am.

But, Denny, you specifically came to me and—

For backup.

I'll first chair. –Well, Denny, I…

I believe the client thinks they're getting me.

Why would they think that? I'm Denny Crane.

The problem is, Alan knows you so well,

he might be able to exploit your weaknesses.

You forget I know him. I can exploit his weaknesses.

Besides, I don't have any weaknesses.

I'll first chair.

Denny, I…