Friday Night Dinner

Come on, Grandma.

Ooh, thanks, Dolly.

Three hours later.

Three days later.

Oh, don't forget my yoghurts are in the boot.

Oh, yes, the yoghurts.

Grandma, you do know none of us eat yoghurts?

I know. So why did you buy so many?

They were half price.

What are we going to do with 36 of them?

Oh, God, why won't it open?

Crazytits?

Do you have to call her that?

It's Liz, actually.

Yeah, Crazytits Liz.

Stop texting me!

Have you worked out what to do?

No.

I've told you should do dump her.

I can't just dump her.

Body in the Thames. Please open!

I can't dump her, it's her birthday tomorrow.

Whose birthday is it?

Jonny's incredibly old girlfriend, who's also his boss.

Oh, Crazytits?

Excellent. The boot's stuck, Grandma, Dad'll have to do it.

Oh, OK, Dolly.

She's not old.

What?

Liz, she's not incredibly old.

She's 83.

43.

Why don't you take her out dancing?

What?

For her birthday. Women love dancing.

Yeah, old women love dancing. Ow!

When I was younger, before I met Sidney,

if a man asked me to dance, somehow I always ended up in bed with them.

Ha-ha!

Hi, Mum!

Hello, Dolly.

Ah, come in!

Hi, boys. What?

Nothing.

Do you like my new style?

Oh, it's lovely, Mum.

Thank you, Jackie. They're very good there.

You should go.

I'm OK, thanks.

But they specialise in problem hair.

Right, go through, Mum.

Are you all right?

Hmm? Crazytits.

Oh, Crazytits.

Will you please stop calling her Crazytits?!

God! What is that smell?

Jesus!

Oh, it's that cupboard. Your dad's been using it to...

Don't open it! Oh!

Oh, Christ!

Oh, I told you! Is that fish hanging up in there?

What?!

Oh, my God!

Your dad's been drying fish.

Drying fish? What's he drying fish for?

Because he wants my house to smell like a sewer.

Hello, bambinos.

A sewer!

Ow!

What are you doing in there?

I'm not in there.

Why are you drying fish in a cupboard?

Because that's what you do.

If you want to get sectioned.

Bloody thing, screaming in my ear.

No, my father used to do this years ago.

Cor, it's delicious.

Is it?

And of course the Portuguese... been doing it for centuries.

Of course, the Portuguese!

The Portuguese.

You never had dried fish before?

Not from a cupboard.

Not another text!

Who's that? Crazytits?

Dad! Is that the old woman he's seeing?

She's not an old woman.

How old is she again? 53?

Er, no, 63.

43! She's 43.

43.

Imagine living through two World Wars.

She's almost as old as you, Jackie.

Oh, thank you, Martin!

It's her birthday tomorrow. We're going out for dinner.

What are you going to do about her? Where's my sherry?

All right, Mum! Blimey! Adam, get Grandma her sherry.

Ugh, always me!

What am I going to do about her, Mum?

She definitely knows something's up.

How can I finish with her on her birthday?

You can't finish with her on her birthday.

Can't I? Can't he?

No!

Great, so I have to get her a nice present

and then she'll be happy, then I'll have to act happy,

and then I'm stuck with her again.

You could get her a horrible present.

But then she'll be upset and I'll have to be nice,

and then she'll be happy, then I'm stuck with her again.

Again! I can't bloody win!

You could just kill her.

I'll do that then.

It's not too hard to kill an old lady.

Just creep up behind them and go, "BOO!"

Argh!

Oh, sorry, Grandma.

I told him he should just take her out dancing.

Did you, Mum?

It's not quite as easy as that.

Yes, it is. I'll show you.

What?

How to dance. Come on!

Grandma, you're not going to show me...

Just a little dance.

What a wonderful idea!

Ah, go on Jonny, have a little dance with your grandma.

Go on!

It'll make her happy.

Where's the music?

Er, there's a radio machine in the kitchen.

Radio machine!

Come on then.

How is this happening?

Ooh, stop it! It'll cheer you up.

Really won't.

Now then, here we go.

Hold on to my waist.

Really?

Is it loud enough?

Yes!

Oh, lovely music.

Lovely!

One, two, three, one, two, three.

Um, I think that's the music for the news.

Keep going, Pissface.

Shut up, Pusface.

Where's the digital camera?

Oh, yes, the camera.

One, two, three, one, two, three.

'The headlines...' It is the news.

One, two, three, one, two, three.

Mum!

What?

We are dancing to the news.

Smile!

It's not music. It's not.

Ah! Well done, Grandma!

Oh, thank you.

So, that's what you should do.

You should take your girlfriend out dancing.

Agreed.

OK, Grandma, I'll do that.

And then you bring her back home

and make passionate love to her all night.

Just let that seep in a bit, should be OK.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, it's just basic fluid mechanics really,

simple coefficients of viscosity.

Right, I'll remember that.

See you later.

Oh, Adam? Any, er...? Females?

Please!

Your brother's got a female.

Correction, old woman.

You can learn a lot from an older lady.

What, like how to dance to the news?

Look, all I'm saying is maybe you should consider other options.

Other options?

Like, I don't know. Divorcees?

Sorry?

Or widows.

Widows?!

OK, I'm going to go inside now and set myself on fire.

Dinner's read...

Why are you doing that now?

What?

Oh!

Come on, Mum.

What's he doing out there?

Ah, fixing the stupid boot. Why he couldn't wait.

Oh.

My yoghurts.

All done. Ah, bleeding thing!

There they are.

Oooh!

Ooh. Agh.

Right.

HELP! Oh!

Help!