Veep

- No. - No.

I just found out that math was created by Muslims.

Math teachers are terrorists!

How about for once in your life,

you stop complaining and just man up.

I've decided to suspend my campaign

for President of the United States.

That bastard Ballentine caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah.

That makes you the governor of Iowa!

- Ma'am. - What?

You are not going to believe it.

Tom James is fucking Michelle.

You can have Tibet.

What?

What's going on here?

I thought nobody gave two Osama bin Shits

about the drone strike.

This is about killing elephants.

Is this gonna affect my numbers, you think?

Yes.

OK!

All right, ladies and gentlemen, the final votes for tonight.

Governor Calhoun, 420.

Congressman Ryan, 453.

Senator Talbot, 1,785.

- Boo! - President Meyer,

1,817.

No candidate has secured a...

delegate majority of 2,368,

so we have no nominee.

- Did we win? - Oh, yeah.

I'm the president, and you're the first lady.

Oh, we would crush it.

And it seems we have ourselves

a deadlocked convention,

the first since 1952.

Senator Talbot has indeed made a miraculous comeback.

You know, it's worse having to hear it from Mike.

Furlong wants to see all the candidates for a late-night pow-wow.

- No offense, Marjorie. - Some offense.

Mom, you need to tell the party

that they never should have held the convention in North Carolina.

Their bathroom bill is an absolute disgrace.

Guys, who gives a shit where people shit?

That is literally the point, Mother.

OK, then we agree.

Right? Shut. Up.

We have to get in touch

with all the floor whips.

We have to make sure our delegates hold.

- I'll whip the whips. - You know, the Chinese

are ready to fix this whole damn election if I can be the nominee.

- Not here. Not hearing this. - No, that is the plan.

- How ya doin' there, John? - Outstanding, ma'am.

That's my hero. And keep on getting it out there

that I plan on choosing Governor DeVito as my veep,

'cause we might get a few more delegates out of this.

Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic...

Oh, my God, is that still a thing?

Two-time Ohio governor, 18 Electoral College votes.

Most importantly, he has a penis. Right, Governor?

I'm still with you, ma'am!

Till the end, like we used to say back in Iraq.

- Might want to double-check that penis. - That's Kent's job.

Mr. Chairman, I would just like to point out

that the official count cannot be trusted.

Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck.

You are not gonna desecrate my convention

with more of this Muslim math nonsense.

How do you explain

that when I add up my delegates

- with Christian math... - Amen!

The number is quite different than the official total?

Because you were born with three umbilical cords wrapped around your neck,

- Hep C Kevin McHale. - No, I wasn't.

- My apologies, Mr. Chairman. - Madam President.

What is Leon doing with her?

Installing cameras in all her closets and bathrooms.

So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way

to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?

Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock

of our political system, Senator.

Well, there it is, that casual Meyer attitude

towards criminal enterprise, just like her husband.

- Ex-husband. - Step-husband.

If you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina,

you have no business being president.

- Oh, is that how you feel? - Yes! Am I right?

Hey! Hey! All right!

Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli-sci major

is treating this brokered convention

like it's a big-titted college gymnast

whose daddy fucked with her just enough

that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still cum.

Hittin' a little close to home there, Roger,

minus the big-titted part.

We've never had a complaint, have we?

But if we don't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention

lickity-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with

four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons.

- That's not a problem for us. - It's fine.

Tomorrow is the second ballot, OK?

None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore.

So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms

and pinching nipples. And what else, Will?

And may the best man win.

And may the hairiest man zip-tie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate

and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure.

Ha ha! Beautiful.

Well done, pig. Dismissed.

Selina, you got a minute?

Roger, I don't want to hear it.

We need a ticket. Just offer her veep.

You and Kemi scissoring at the top of the ticket

is gonna make everyone rock hard.

I don't need her. OK?

I've got the diving bell and the governor.

- Come on. - Just make the deal!

Or what's gonna happen, Will?

Aw, shit, Will left. It was a good one.

- Sorry to miss that. - Ma'am.

Oh, God. Go away, Amy. Really.

- Your voice is like a crow. - But ma'am, I just want to...

No! There is no place for Jonah Ryan in my administration.

Or anywhere in the universe where the building blocks of life are present.

OK? I'll be right back.

- Uh, caballeros. - Caballeros!

- Do you wanna close the thing? - Nice try, Amy.

Ben, we've already got Florida, we've got a butt-load of delegates.

Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema.

So fuck your offer, and fuck you.

- It's always good to see ya. - You too. I miss you guys.

Keith, you havin' fun? Yes, thank you.

Oh, thank you!

Oh! I hope I can count on your support.

What are they clapping like that for?

Congratulations, ma'am. You just broke

- North Carolina's transgender bathroom law. - What?

I've been fielding media requests all morning, Richard.

The keynote speech was such a hit.

New York Times? Krugman is positively creaming his khakis.

Amazing speech last night, Governor Splett.

- Thank you. - What state are you a delegate from?

- The Ukraine. - A Wisconsin sister state.

Can I get a photo with you?

- Sure. - Absolutely not. Thank you, though.

How 'bout I get one of you two?

- Oh, yes. - No, that's fine.

So sorry your wife couldn't make the convention, Congressman.

- We have to go. - Good seeing you. Enjoy the convention.

Morning, ma'am.

Some disturbing rumblings from Justice...

Oh, I'm sorry.

What? It's OK, Ben. You've seen behind the curtain.

My source tells me that Kemi's been kicking up some dirt on the Meyer Fund.

- Oh, come... Well, that's Leon. - I don't know.

Why does everybody get good at their job after I fire them?

- Lip time. Let's do lips. - No, no, no.

I want to save the Dubonnet for when I get the nomination.

OK? 'Cause it's discontinued. I'm wearing this now.

There's a simple solution for this, OK?

Just ask Kemi to be your veep.

I cannot stand her!

And I don't say that about a lot of people.

- Hmm... - Plus, she called me a criminal last night.

Kent and I were up all night doing the numbers...

In the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt,

I would rather cheese-grater my clit.

- So we'll put a pin in that. - That too.

Morning. Mom, you're a regular bathroom warrior.

- Oh, really? - We're very proud of you

for standing up for the trans community.

Well, thank you, Peppermint Patty,

but you're not a...

Oh, no, ma'am. I'm a cis woman.

- I mean, that's not a crazy question to ask. - Not at all.

You and your gay pals can make me the Grand Marshal

of the next parade that you have that messes up all the traffic.

Actually, ma'am, it's a myth that lesbians and gay men

have any natural affinity.

As a matter of fact, Gertrude Stein

was physically disgusted by male homosexuals.

- Excuse me? - How'd she feel about tedious lesbians?

Big fan, ma'am.

So how's the Piss Heard Round the World

playing with all the delegates?

The NYPD found a van full of explosives at Kennedy Airport.

This is why everyone should just fly private.

You've been completely knocked out of the news cycle.

- Oh, God. - Ma'am, Governor DeVito

is here to speak with you about his speech.

OK, great! Ha ha ha. John-boy!

- Ah. - Johnny?

Hmm.

Is he... Ah!

And there he is!

- Governor DeVito. - Yes. My running mate.

Well, not literally, of course but...

Did you get a chance to review my nominating speech?

I did, and I have to tell you something: it is a delight.