Madman at War (Scemo di guerra)

- What's your name? - U2 Fisio.

Are you Sardinian?

Yes, sir.

- And are you a shepherd? - Yes.

- How many brothers do you have? - Eleven.

- Sisters? - Five.

- Sheep? - Three sheep.

I had left Benghazi, destination Sorma Oasis, headquarters of the 31st medical section.

It was a journey in which the pleasure of adventure and the fear of the unknown mingled.

But as I crossed those great empty expanses, I thought that mine,

all things considered, could also have been a pleasant holiday.

But does it never rain here?

Last year it rained once, at Christmas.

- Why are you blowing it? - Well, you never know.

Out of here. I Italian officer.

All right, don't get angry.

Go.

No, don't sing to me, come on.

What, dead in war? Please, for God's sake. Enough, enough already, enough, enough.

Yeah, dead in war.

The man is on the camel and the woman on foot, just like back home.

- When do we get there? - When the sun goes down.

- Does the sun go down here? - Yes, sir.

- Ouch, we woke the jackal. - Are there jackals here? Where is it?

Yes, there is one.

- That's the command hut. - Yes.

Report to Commander Major Bellucci. He's still up.

- Bellucci, huh? - Yes, Bellucci.

Come in.

Permission to enter.

Second Lieutenant Lupi Marcello, at your orders, Major.

Welcome to the camp. Did you have a good trip?

Yes, thank you. Here's the transit pass.

What's with that beard?

Ah yes, because I come from the Cunense where it's allowed. In fact, may I keep it?

What are you specialized in?

I'm trying to specialize in psychiatry.

I have the books and the handouts with me. With your permission

I'd like to have time to keep studying.

We'll see.

That's my wife.

See you tomorrow, lieutenant. Good night.

- Good night, Major. - You made me lose my train of thought.

- Sorry. - Night.

Night.

Lieutenant, I've put the luggage in the tent.

- Thanks, Purgo. - I bet he was writing.

Yes, he was writing. Every day he writes to his wife, every day.

- All the writers are here. - And you?

- Not me. - Why, don't you have anyone?

Well, I don't know how to write. This is the tent.

You're with Lieutenant Bodda. Bodda Giovanni.

I also lit the oil lamp.

Good night, Lieutenant.

- Sleep well. - Good night, Purgo, and thank you.

There, peck away, ugly beast.

Nice. You woke the jackal, huh?

Sorry. I'm Second Lieutenant Luppi Marcello.

We'll do introductions tomorrow, huh?

Now go to your bunk and let me sleep.

- Good night. - Good night.

Put your shoes outside the tent. And close it properly, or the mosquitoes will get in.

Hey, what are you doing there?

I'm watching that guy. Look what he's doing.

He's naked. But what is he doing? The sun is rising.

- What is he, some holy man? - Come on, let's go. Leave it.

In ten minutes I'm on wake-up duty. We're on duty.

Take it easy, take it easy. Sorry.

- Major, at your orders. - Cerioni, this is the new arrival.

- Ah, good. - Second Lieutenant Lupi Marcello.

Cerioni Gianni, anesthetist. Can I see?

- Here. - Etiology of schizophrenia.

- Ah, I shake hands with everyone. - Captain.

- Ah, the new arrival. - Second Lieutenant Lupi Marcello.

- My name is Nitti, welcome. - Thank you.

See if this suits you, huh?

So, what news is there from Italy, dear colleague?

Nothing special, Captain. We're tightening our belts.

Imagine, in Genoa they smuggle castagnaccio.

Well, that doesn't seem like new news to me. In fact, I'll give you a new one.

Do you know that scientist who showed up before the Duce

saying he had discovered the formula for turning shit into butter?

- Nitti, Nitti, please. - Come on, with these jokes.

And you don't know this one. And if you don't know it, you have to listen respectfully.

So then the Duce funded the discovery.

One day he summons the scientist to Palazzo Venezia and says.

So, how is the process of turning shit into butter going?

Ah, very well, Duce, says the scientist. We've made it turn white.

It can be spread on bread too. But, he says, I have only one flaw.

Does it still smell like shit?

- You knew it. - Well, yeah.

- No, you knew it. - No, no, no, no.

All right, anyway, a subordinate is not allowed to finish his superiors' jokes.

You have to laugh, and that's it.

So you were left holding the shit, huh?

Major, there is a message from divisional command.

Let's hope

that they are good news.

As of the 12th of this month, your company is considered to be in a war zone.

At last we'll get that famous allowance. The Barabì.

Yes, which will let us buy two extra cigarettes a week,

three safety pins, two buttons, a pair of shoelaces.

Your cheap defeatism doesn't make anyone laugh. At least spare me from it.

It makes me laugh.

- Don't write to your wife. - Ah, you're the new arrival.

- Yes, Marcello Luppi. - He's our internist.

- And he's the porter. - Dearest friends.

- No, no, there he is. - For my own good.

- The captain. - No, Scarpini. For you too, my dear.

- You're the new arrival, eh? - Yes, sir, Captain.

Second Lieutenant Marcello Luppi.

What are those?

They're Zeiss.

Latest model.

- Nice, eh? - Aren't they a bit out of regulation?

Gentlemen, I've just learned that the front is drawing nearer.

Italy will soon need us.

It was about time too, because people are slacking off here.

Nitti, for my sake, give these shirkers some work.

It will be hard, but I'll try.

Now you can assign him a place.

Isn't there anyone sick here?

I mean, you're all just standing there.

Here's a man who makes the sun rise, stamps newly arrived colleagues,

and you're standing there saying nothing.

- This is only the beginning. - We've all been stamped.

Yes, but didn't you inform your tent mate?

- No, I didn't want to traumatize him right away. - Oh, thanks a lot.

You'll see.

- Now if I take it off, he might get angry too. - Oh yes.

- Come here, handsome, come. - Go sit over there.

Have you seen my glasses?

Another one who can't find his glasses.

Boda, who is this fellow?

He's the highest-ranking man after Major Bellucci.

- Yes, all right, but then what? - Then? Wait and see.

- What else is there? - He makes love to flies.

With flies?

Look, he leaves a crack in the tent open, the flies come in swarms,

he gets naked, covers his body with sugar,

and revels in that buzzing flutter of wings on his skin.

And what do the flies do? Do they have orgasms?

- I don't know. - How do they react?

- Ask them. - I knew a man who did it with

ants, that's why it's called formication.

- Oh, get out of here. - Yes, I have to prove it to you scientifically.

Come on, come on. Let's go confess our troubles.

- More light, Mario. - Here I am.

Happy?

The happy cripple.

To me, that's Second Lieutenant Cerioni.

No, Lieutenant.

- Michellini Osvaldo. - Present.

Natalucci Giulio.

- Necroni Caetano. - About time.

No, there's nothing for you.

- Anything for Captain Scarpilli? - No, Captain.

There's never anything for me.

- Zanin Giuseppe. - I'm here.

- Nobody writes to me. - My name is Roberto.

- Is it possible you never remember my name? - Here.

The adventurer.

Little Lida to great Oscar.

Look, look. How many there are, look.

Here are my Zeiss.

Glasses thief.

Collector of little grass balls.

A fly.

Ah, fuck you, Pilli.

- What are you doing here? - Well, I...

- Was it I who summoned you? - Well, yes, yes.

Ah, yes.

I've done my good deed for the morning. I went to feed the little goat.

She loves me. Do you know why I summoned you?

Shouldn't you be the one telling me that?

Yes, indeed.

Listen, maybe for no reason.

Or maybe simply because I want to get to know you better.

Yes, or maybe for some other reason, who knows. Come on, sit down and tell me about yourself.

- But I am... - You know very well that I care about you, don't you?

And you know I really need to talk to a friend.

It's hard to find someone to talk to here. Very hard.

And I'll tell you the reason if you want to know it. I'll tell you.

Your colleagues hate me.

They persecute me.

They would have torn me to pieces if it weren't for that man over there...

Who?

- Would you like some coffee? - Gladly.

Commander Bellucci.

That's enough, thank you.

Cheers.

He's like a father to me. A saint.

- Do you know why? - No.

Because he knows me. He knows how much I'm worth in my profession.

He's seen me at work in the operating room many times.

Well, you've heard about me too, haven't you?

Yes, yes, certainly. I've heard about you. More than once.

And that arouses jealousy.

- You're a psychiatrist, I believe. - Yes, almost.

- I'm specializing, yes. - Oh, you drink? Perfect.