3rd Rock from the Sun

I think you'll like this, Dick.

The commercial said the extra ingredient is love.

Next time try making the extra ingredient cheese.

- What's with Harry? - Don't bother him.

- He's transmitting my status report. - Status report?

To the big giant head?

Why should we have to answer to that pencil-pushing desk jockey anyway?

Frankly, I don't care what he thinks.

What did it say about me?

Resume normal functions in three,

two, one.

- What did I miss? - So what did you put in the report?

- Lots of time and effort. - Come on, read it back.

"Dear big giant head, how are you?

We're fine. So's the weather." Yada, yada, yada.

"The mission is taking longer than anticipated.

The being designated Sally has bravely infiltrated

the female gender.

The Harry unit is functioning adequately.

The high commander has squandered six months

- in the futile pursuit of a single earth woman--" - Wait, wait!

What was that?

I am functioning adequately.

That thing about my futile pursuit of Dr. Albright.

How could you write this about me?

I'm the information officer. I'm sworn to tell the truth.

Well, the truth is that through Mary

I have explored every facet of the male/female dynamic.

Have you established a monogamous relationship with her?

- No. - Have you bonded emotionally?

- No. - Have you had one successful date?

Well, if by successful you mean pleasant,

no.

I wouldn't sweat it, Dick.

The big giant head never reads these things, anyway.

Perhaps I have been remiss, but mark my words.

By the week's end, I will have established

an emotional beachhead with Dr. Albright.

This I vow.

Yeah, and Harry's going to win the Nobel prize.

Well, I'm happy just to be nominated.

- Good morning. - Good morning, Nina.

Those are nice.

They cost $89.

- Don't tell her that. - Oh, right.

Good morning.

They cost $89.

- Oh. - Dr. Albright, would you do me the honor

of joining me for dinner tonight?

No.

Why are you doing this?

Can't you see how much pain you're causing?

He's nothing, if not resilient.

Not him, me. The two of you

are driving me up the wall.

You're obviously attracted to him.

Take a chance on love, woman.

- I don't know. - Look at him.

I suppose it's time to give the big dog a biscuit.

And I do have to eat.

- Okay, I'll go out with you. - Yes!

Come on, Dick, I really need to get in there.

I'm sorry. I need to be handsome tonight,

and I mean sears-Catalog handsome.

If he wants to get somewhere with her, he should follow my lead.

Mr. Randell and I have a dreamy relationship.

Yeah, you don't even call him by his first name.

That's what sophisticated people do on this planet.

I realize it's not as romantic as you and August

meeting in the lunchroom and sharing your pudding cup.

Hey! We were just voted cutest couple, so shut up.

Okay, where's my shoes?

I think I saw one of them right over there.

Oh, my god, it's Harry.

His cranial microreceiver, it's activated.

Transmission incoming from the big giant head.

Thank you for calling the big giant head.

He cares about you.

Your status report was received. Please wait for comments.

- Oh, no, no, no. - Please, please, no comments.

There are no comments.

Resume normal functions in three, two, one.

I told you the big giant head never reads those things.

I really resent how we're supposed to jump

every time the big giant head sends a message.

I know, everyone knows he only got the job

by kissing the big giant butt.

Oh, this is fun. What a great idea.

- Hai. - Hai.

All: oh!

- Hai. - Hai.

- Hai. - Hai.

- Hai. - Hai.

Hey, he knew what he was getting into

when he took this job.

August, we share

- more than pudding, don't we? - You've got pudding?

No, I was using it as a metaphor for our relationship.

Our relationship is soft and gooey?

No, no. Never mind, okay? Never mind.

You didn't have to walk me up. I know the way.

I don't mind. You mentioned coffee.

- Hey, guys. - Both: hi, Mr. Randell.

Well, sit down. Take off your shirt-- shoes.

Tommy, I need the parlor to entertain Mr. Randell,

Mr. Kevin Randell.

- We're doing homework. - Yeah, Mesopotamia.

Oh, the fertile crescent.

Would you like to see it?

- Pardon? - Never mind.

I'll see to that coffee. Tommy, help auntie Sally.

Excuse us.

I need the living room to be alone with Mr. Randell.

- Why? - I think I'm falling in love with the guy.

Tommy: you just want the living room so you can make out.

So how's history this year?

- Good. - Good.

Oh-hh, hai!

Oh-hh, hi.

Thanks for bailing me out.

You are so much fun.

Dr. Albright, your hand is on my knee.

- Do you want me to move it? - Please.

No, I meant move it around.

Well, August sure left early.

After you dumped coffee on her, she got the hint.

She made a rude comment about my jell-o with cheese.

Jell-o with cheese? What kind of woman are you?

Come on, let's not squabble. We're family.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Let's play a game, shall we? What'll it be?

- Bite me. - All right, who's it?

Okay, fine. You know,

you try to help, but this is the thanks you Ge--!

Transmission incoming from the big giant head.

- What, again? - Thank you for your status report.

I judge your mission to be a complete failure.

Replacements arrive in 24 hours.

Resume normal functions in three, two, one.

What did I miss?

- They're aborting the mission. - Replacements arrive tomorrow.

They're sending us home.

All: oh!

Oh-hh!

Oh, Dr. Albright,

that was the greatest 30 seconds of my life.

Ahh! Smell the spring air.

What do you say we have class outside?

The world is such a perfect place.

- What are we doing indoors? - Leon: Dr. Solomon.

What is it, darling?

Well, I think we're supposed to be having our final exam.

I'm shooting for a "d," so I'll need the full hour.

Final exam?

Today?

I forgot. Isn't that a hoot?

You see, I didn't make it home last night.

I could have,

but I was awfully comfortable where I was,

in a place that's definitely not home.

Dr. Solomon,

are you... all right?

I can't talk about it. It's too personal.

Let's just say I had sex with Dr. Albright.

Oh!

Dr. Solomon, we don't need to know about this.

That's where you're wrong, bug. You might learn something.

Last night at 11:22,

eastern standard time,

my spiritual self, "x,"

and my corporeal self, "y,"

were fused together...

for the first time.

But let's move on.

Dick, I need to talk to you. I have big news.

I have big news, too.

Can we please just step outside for a minute?

All right. Class, while I'm gone,

I'd like you to ponder being naked under cool,

cool sheets.

We're leaving?!

No-Ooo!