Fist Fight

- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) - (STUDENTS WHOOPING)

- (TIRES SCREECH) Whoa!

Hey! Buddy, excuse me. I'm sorry, you're parking in my spot...

Senior prank day.

Yeah, but it's not a prank.

You're just parking it in an assigned...

That's fine. You're good.

You're good. I'll find a new spot.

- Fucking rent-a-cop. - Guys!

I need you to stop rocking the cart.

Fuck you!

I'm gonna write your names down.

Well, that's not good.

Whoo!

- Do it! Do it! Do it! - (LAUGHING)

This is gonna be a bad day.

Oh, yeah.

Wait up!

Hey!

Oh, fuck!

You hold it right there.

Now, outside my class, I found our school's

1971 championship bat in the trash can.

I'm wondering who put it in there

and why.

We thought it'd be funny to throw out the bat

and put the computer in with porn.

Put it back.

Now!

Now get y'all Rush Hour asses to class.

Everybody!

Where... Where is my mug?

Why are people always taking my mug?

You know, I know we're a rough school and everything,

and we don't usually have control over the students,

but this is the worst I've ever seen the pranks.

Really? I think it's hilarious.

I'm thinking about taking a shit in the pool.

I want... I want to think that you're joking.

But for some reason, I feel like you're not.

I was just picturing everybody's faces.

Yeah. I'm just saying it's not a good day for this, you know?

My wife was due three days ago.

And I'm up all night thinking about what I'm gonna say

to the superintendent at 2:00.

You know, I don't have anything planned.

I know what I'm gonna say at my meeting.

I'm gonna be like,

"Fuck you for trying to make us re-interview for our jobs again!"

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my coaching.

- Right. - Not my fault we always in last place.

Yeah, what... What is your record?

These kids are un-coachable!

It's very tough. It's very tough.

Losing here is a tradition.

It shouldn't be.

- Yeah, it's a terrible tradition. - Right?

I'm trying my best

not to get one of these kids' moms pregnant.

I'm trying.

You're not gonna say that, are you?

Hell no, Campbell.

Be polite as shit.

I went out and bought new jeans for this motherfucker.

And I hate long pants.

- Yeah, you got an exotic build. - (DOOR SLAMS)

Fuck this!

Twenty-two years and then, "See you later!"

Those assholes should have taken my class, so they can manage a fucking budget!

I'm taking this.

Taking this.

See? We're expendable.

They fired Irv.

This school's gonna fuck me?

I'm gonna fuck it!

Drop it!

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck it!

What the fuck is this?

Don't have money for books, but got money for this newfangled...

He gonna fuck that coffee machine up.

Is this a practical joke?

Huh? You know I don't play that shit.

How the fuck you work this bullshit?

You. Campbell.

Me?

You the only one drinking coffee, right?

Uh, yeah.

No, I mean, I got a light roast cappuccino.

Well, get your light roast ass over here and help me fix a cup.

Right. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I was resisting that.

- Yeah, so it's a new machine. - No shit.

It's state of the art, though.

All you gotta do is put in your order, and it does the rest.

Coffee.

You know, I'll just... I'll do it for you, and I think that's just gonna be the easiest.

Right, so you got your drink selections down here.

And flavors, you got hazelnut...

I just want regular coffee.

Shoot. Uh...

That doesn't seem to be an option.

Um...

How about an Americano? That's basically the same thing.

- Whatever. - So I just pick "Americano", right?

And then you can go medium, light, dark.

You look like... Or not look like, you would want...

I'll go with medium. And then you hit "brew."

- (MACHINE WHIRRING) - (SIGHS)

- (MACHINE BEEPS) - And it's done. (CHUCKLES)

Thank God.

And one Americano. For you.

All right. Cheers.

Tastes like shit.

Fucking waste of money.

Shit don't even voice activate.

- That was awkward. - (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

"It takes courage to grow up and to become who you really are."

Right? E.E. Cummings wrote that.

And, guys, you're growing up. You're moving on.

For many of you, this is gonna be the last English class you're ever gonna take.

So, um, I want you to remember something.

Words are always going to matter.

- (STUDENTS SCOFF) - Right? What?

Uh-oh! Uh...

Something's funnier than it should be, right?

I'm missing the joke here. Is it me?

"Mr. Dick Suck's English class!"

Look, I'm down for the senior pranks, I really am,

but, frankly, I think this one's a little homophobic, right?

I mean, how does everybody think this makes Blake feel?

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, uh...

- I'm sorry. It doesn't mean anything. - No, no. It means something.

Words matter, remember?

Right. Yeah, no.

I... I just meant because you're politically conscious

and you're sensitive.

I'm not sensitive.

- I'm gay. - (STUDENTS CHUCKLING)

And I wrote it and I drew the cat.

And now there's a cat. What is...

What is this?

Now I'm Mr. Cat?

Oh, I get it. I'm Mr. Pussy because I'm a nice guy.

I'm a pushover, right? All right, guys, come on.

I'm down for the pranks, but frankly we're getting...

And "Mr. Dick Suck's English class" again!

- In Sharpie! - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- (ALL LAUGHING) - (MOUTHING)

And now I have Ms. Grossman peering through the window.

Uh, excuse me for one second.

- I'll be right back. All right, Blake!

Yo, Blake turned a cat into a dick.

- Hey! - Hey.

- Hi. - Hey, how's it going?

Uh, what's going on?

I got some news for you about your job.

Oh, my God. What do you... What do you know?

Wolinsky and Henderson just got fired.

- Oh, my God! That's great! - Right? Yeah!

I mean, it's terrible because...

I know, 'cause they got families.

Yeah, they got the families and everything.

But they're not gonna fire the whole English department, right?

Exactly. That'd be crazy!

Holly, thank you! I gotta call my wife. That's fantastic.

What the fuck was that? Where did they get a horse?

They stole it from the race track.

They got it all hopped up on homemade meth, you know,

so it'd be amped up enough to run through the hallways.

- Yeah. - It's not like the best batch, but...

I'm sorry...

- How do you know that? - How do I know what?

Holly, you're not doing meth again, right?

Yeah. Yeah, just a little bit.

- Don't do meth. - No more homemade meth. Got it.

No, no. No meth, period.

When I'm on my period, don't do it?

That's when I need it the most.

Holly, you're the guidance counselor.

- You've never done it? - Oh, God, no. No.

- Oh. Man, it's fucking great. - Yeah.

- Is it? - (LAUGHS) Yeah!

I think the best I've ever felt.

Holly, this stuff's gotta stop.

- Right. - Right?

Yeah, 'cause it's a gateway?

- It's the finish line. - There's worse stuff.

I don't think I can help you. All right, thanks.

I gotta call my wife. Thank you, Holly.

All right. I'll take care of your classroom.

Ooh, ooh, no, no, no! Don't do that.

- What's that? - They're fine. Yeah.

Some of them are fine. You know what I mean?

- They're good-looking. - Uh-oh. Yeah, no.

Leave 'em alone.

- Right? - Right.

- But thank you for the news. - Yeah.

- Thank you! - You're welcome.