Mom

Mom!

What?

Come here.

Why?

Just come down.

- Mom! - Hey.

Ooh, you're so jumpy.

Come sit next to me.

- What's up? - Hold my hand.

Okay. What's going on?

Don't talk, just hold.

You have really tiny hands.

Feel like I'm going steady with a raccoon.

Shh!

Can you at least tell me what we're looking at here?

My grades get posted at noon,

and I don't want to look at them by myself.

Oh, so you think you blew it?

No! Why would you say that?

Take it back!

When did we become gypsies?

I just don't want to jinx it.

Well, that's not possible now that you spit three times.

Can you please just sit here and support me?

I honestly thought that's what I was doing.

Okay, I'm just gonna be quiet.

Sorry, it was just such a tough semester,

with work, and Roscoe, and Violet,

and... crazy stuff around here.

- Am I the crazy stuff? - Yeah.

Also, I turned in a couple papers late.

I'm pretty sure I screwed up

my literature final on Metamorphosis.

- What's that? - It's an awful book.

A guy wakes up one morning

and is turned into a giant cockroach.

But not like Spiderman who got bit by a radioactive spider,

this guy just wakes up all cockroach-y.

So no super powers?

Nope.

He doesn't fight crime, no costume,

he's just a bug for no reason.

Can he make other cockroaches do his bidding?

Doesn't even try. He just complains.

So what was your paper about?

I wish I remember. I wrote it when I had walking pneumonia

and was on all that medication.

Well, there you go.

If you flunk, you can blame it on drugs,

like when you were in junior high.

Excuse me, I did not take drugs in junior high.

I just drank.

Mostly wine coolers.

And cough syrup.

Ooh, they're up, they're up.

Oh, my God.

Are we reading this right?

I got straight A's.

That's why I asked, "Are we reading this right""

I got straight A's, Mom!

I got straight A's.

Wait, wait, wait, there's an asterisk.

What does that mean?

Were you using steroids?

Let me look.

I made the dean's list.

Oh, honey, did you sleep with the dean?

I didn't have to,

I'm smart!

Congratulations, sweetie.

The dean's list is a big deal.

Thanks.

I always kind of suspected I might be, you know,

gifted.

One of the best parts of staying sober

is learning what we're really capable of.

You should come to one of my Mensa meetings.

Wait, you're in Mensa?

What's Mensa?

It's a club for people with high IQ’s.

And you're in that?

Yes.

I said "Yes."

So, Christy, have you thought about what's next for you?

Well, I guess transfer to a four-year college,

and then, hopefully, law school.

That's wonderful.

I'm sure you'll get straight A's there, too.

Marjorie, why are you getting her expectations up?

It's one thing to get good grades at a community college,

where it's basically everybody gets an A for showing up

with pants on, zipper forward.

But real college is different, am I right?

No.

An A is an A,

whether it's at Napa Valley Tech or Harvard.

Yeah, but if you're getting brain surgery,

which diploma do you want to see on your doctor's wall?

My A's are A's.

Don't crap on my A's.

Nobody's crapping.

I'm just trying to inject a little reality here.

Wendy, you're in Mensa, tell her.

Um...

we mostly do puzzles.

It doesn't matter.

Christy, you're a totally different person

than the hot mess that crawled into that meeting

three years ago, and I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, Marjorie.

To Christy.

To Christy.

We should also be toasting Wendy

who managed to hide her intelligence from us

for all these years.

To Wendy.

You ready for lights out?

Let me just finish this text to my daughter.

Oh, good. You two are talking again?

Yes, we're talking.

Sorry, last I heard you were dead to her.

Yeah, well, I apologized for something I didn't do,

and now we're good again.

She wants to go wedding dress shopping tomorrow.

Wow, and she invited you to go with her?

That's right, I am buying the dress.

Oh, well, that explains why she invited you.

No, she invited me because our relationship is better now.

You know what? Let's just go to bed.

Fine.

We're not done, are we?

We need to talk about something.

Oh, no, do you want a divorce?

This is serious.

Earlier with the girls,

all that stuff you were saying

about my grades not being worth anything,

- it hurt my feelings. - Oh, come on.

I was kidding.

Didn't feel like kidding.

Everybody there said they were happy for me, proud of me,

even the waitress gave me a free piece of cheesecake.

All you did was put me down.

For God's sakes, that was just me kibitzing.

That's what I do, I kibitz.

You still never said you were proud of me.

Yeah, I did.

No, you didn't.

- Fine. Christy... - Nope, too late now.

What are you doing?

I can't sleep next to someone who doesn't value me.

Since when?

See? Kibitz!

We're not done.

Oh, I think we are.

It was just a few jokes over coffee.

No, no, you purposely diminished my achievements.

No, no, I was trying to get some laughs.

Those women count on me

to brighten up their drab little lives.

It's not just tonight.

You've always sold me short.

Well...

Don't you dare make a short joke.

Go away.

Fine, but just so we're clear,

you, right now walking around breathing air,

that's all thanks to me.

That's your argument?

The fact that I'm walking and breathing

makes you mother of the year?

Hey, not matter how tough things were,

I always made sure you never went without.

You always had a roof over your head and dinner in your belly.

A panel truck is not a roof

and Red Vines are not dinner!

Wow, so ungrateful.

All right, you want to get current?

The only reason you were able to go back to school

is because of me.

How do you figure that?

Whose gambling got us evicted from the old place?

And whose quick thinking got us this apartment?

Quick thinking?

You lied to the building owners

that you were a skilled handyman.

Yes, and one of my skills is lying.

And while you were waiting tables or going to class,

who babysat for you free of charge?

Oh, Grandma, thank you.

Oh, I see, you're just gonna spin everything.

I am a self-made woman.

My success has nothing to do with you.

Fine. Deal.

Then I also have nothing to do with your failure.

All the arrests, the drugs, the drinking,

that's all on you.

Those are not failures.

Those are obstacles that I overcame

to make my success all the more compelling!