La carga

Enough!

Breathe deeply, breathe...

What’s with all the anger?

What’s up? Are you scared?

Yes.

It’s alright, it’s alright.

How do you feel wrath?

How do you experience it?

It makes me feel very, very ashamed.

And on the other hand,

I feel sort of powerful, coping with it.

I feel miserable for being unable to express wrath.

But I have plenty of it inside me.

And hatred too.

Four.

We’ve fixed it for you like this but there are other ways too.

If you’d rather have it another way, you can say so.

Close your eyes.

Shielding oneself mentally

is a very intelligent thing to do.

If we hadn’t been able to shield ourselves...

Probably that pain and grief would have destroyed us.

I feel like talking now.

At age 18, I wanted to learn to play the drums.

And I met one of the most well-known drum teachers in Gerona,

and a very strong bond grew between us.

He is the sort of paternal figure to whom

you could explain anything.

He was very liberal-minded, with progressive ideas,

very warm, affectionate and eager...

for physical contact.

A sort of role was established there.

Which at first I experienced as something very cool.

A person to whom you could tell whatever you wanted.

And six months later, in that relationship…

he started to make advances

in terms of affection.

Until he started proposing massages to me.

And those massages ended in sexual abuse.

In masturbation sessions...

I don’t know how many times it happened.

If I put myself in Isaac’s position at the age of 18,

when I was 18 or 19 years old, when I started doing this.

I had always experienced it as something...

like something kind of really crazy, right?

But in a normal way. "Oh, this has happened to me".

Obviously as time went by and I became an adult,

there’s much more to this story.

But the way I was experiencing it then...

I don’t know.

But of course, what I am about to say makes me feel guilty.

To a certain extent I actually enjoyed it, you know?

I felt pleasure.

And I’d even think, "Perhaps I feel like it today".

In actual fact I've come to think now, as an adult,

that there was a need to please somebody else.

A very strong need.

That drove me to...

I don’t know, man...

To satisfy someone else’s needs, you see what I mean?

All of that was obviously masked,

shrouded in a kind of terrible manipulation,

a huge manipulation including blackmail, extortion, pressure...

He’d never take no for an answer.

There was obviously certain violence about it.

- How old was he? - He was 58 at the time.

And when you say sexual abuse...

How does it feel?

I sense a sort of outburst of wrath,

you want him to be arrested and all that...

Yes, yes there is surely an anger component to it.

But that's kind of gone now.

I felt a lot of wrath for some time,

but now...

Now, what I’m trying to do is to feel something about it,

because I have always tried to look at it from a rational point of view, you know?

And the reason why I’m here is that...

the ordeal has caused a serious mental block in me,

and I sort of feel that...

I must work on that part.

Something similar happens to me.

Something that reminds me of your ordeal.

You see, my problem is that...

I’m scared of myself.

But...

It’s the sort of fear that I must put into words,

otherwise you won’t understand a thing, right?

But putting it into words...

is sort of impossible.

It’s something kind of engraved inside my body.

Really deep inside.

And which I know how to elude.

Do you have any idea about what, about where...?

I don’t know...

- What has happened, right? - Yes, there are certain things...

I can’t even breathe, huh?

Give yourself time, man.

I mean, literally, right?

Well, if you want to share it with us...

Yes, sure, I actually do. The thing is...

It’s like I said before, I mean...

If I explain to you the things that have happened to me,

which are written in the autobiography,

I’ll get away from it.

From what?

From feeling that there’s a black hole inside me.

- If you share it with us now? - If I put it into words.

Isaac was asking me if I had any idea

about where the wound came from.

The wound caused by that hole, right?

But, you know what wound is that?

Well, I call it the black hole.

What time will you arrive today?

Will you be long?

When you come back home, will you play with me?

I wrote a song once.

Why don’t you play with me?

Why don’t you play with me?

The days go by

and you never see me.

And I don't know, I wrote it...

I wrote it...

thinking about other boys and other fathers.

And during these days I've realized that...

I had written the song for you.

Why won’t you play with me?

Aye, dad.

I feel like I’m a reflection of you, I feel...

All those repressed feelings,

I myself feel too.

I hate my macho animal.

Because I see you in me.

You're an immature, old man,

a child.

A kid who had a family.

How many times have I called you Peter Pan?

I find it hard to speak to you.

I cannot understand why you weren’t there.

Why aren’t you here now?

I don’t understand why you left.

Nor how come you allowed her

to separate me from my brothers and sisters.

Where were you?

Where were you?

You abandoned me when you killed yourself.

You hypocrite!

I was a kid.

While with you, the word protection is alien to me, I do not recognize it.