Boston Legal

Previously on Boston Legal…

–What's going on? –I'm afraid of clowns.

–What's going on? –He's afraid of clowns!

–I am not! –Shirley's the one for me, Alan.

I don't think it's working out.

–What isn't working out? –Us.

Whatever you need, Shirley… a shoulder… a hug… an erection…

–Melvin Palmer, how are you? –You're not going to be cheerful about this, are you?

You know, I have been told to keep my exuberance down until people have had their morning coffee.

And you, Mr Shore, you're a hoot, that's what.

–You know what you are? –A hoot.

With a capital H, that's what you are.

–I say we just leave. –You can't just—

–He's doing this on purpose, not arriving on time. –Don't let him get to you.

Your Honor, given that the defendant's lawyer

has failed to so much as appear, I ask the court to summarily direct a verdict for the plaintiff,

and order World Wide Pictures to pay damages in the am—

Sorry I'm late, judge. Big dick traffic. I need a hovercraft, that's what I need.

Hey, Al. How we doin', sunshine?

Mr Palmer, the court has repeatedly

directed you not to refer to the stenographer as “sunshine.”

Well, maybe she should stop brightening everybody's day

with that smile of hers, that's what she should do.

Mr Palmer, for the last time, I will ask you,

please stop wasting the court's time.

Perhaps you should tell him he's a hoot.

No, that's what you are, with a capital “H.”

Judge, as for your time, it was my hope

to settle this little dispute, but my good friend Al…

–I am not— –…over here refused to even meet with me,

that's what he did, hence—

Yes, because I've suffered the stench and revulsion

of meeting with you before, and for the record,

the idea of your friendship makes me want to throw up.

Looks like somebody's got a bug up. Am I right, Jerry?

Gimme a pop, my man.

Tell you what, judge,

My goal was to give Mr Beckham here some money—

Heaps of it, truth be told—

but Mr Bug-Up-His-Snoot refused all offers and—

My client's daughter was murdered as a direct result

of your client's conduct.

Money is not about to make him whole, nor will it have any—

But money is what lawsuits are about, Al.

Am I right, Jerry? Two pops for a yes.

This case could have settled, judge,

should have settled, would have settled,

But Mr Tongue-Flapper here likes to get on his soapbox.

That's what he does.

Your time is being wasted here, I agree,

but not by yours truly.

My client has the right to sue the party who wronged him.

That's why we're here.

And as for what lawsuits are about, Mr Palmer—

Flap, flap, flap—

Only man I know who can fire up and shoot a breeze at the same time,

you big hoot, you.

Put a button on it for me, Jerry. Bring it home.

Boston Legal 4×15 Tabloid Nation

capture:frm@箦皴典冰 sync:frs@静静 edits,QA: ΤΖΩΤΖΙΟΥ

So are you two getting serious?

No, serious? Look, we just started dating, Shirley.

You're having sex?

I-I don't think that's really a discussion we need to have, do you?

Uh, I'll have it.

Oh, my god.

–My god. –Oh!

–You look exactly the same. –Oh.

–It's so good to see you. –Another old boyfriend?

The oldest. I can't believe it. What has it been, 30, 40 years?

Oh, I don't know. Something like that.

I-I actually came 'cause I could use your help, Shirl.

I've gotten myself into a little bit of trouble.

–Tell me. –Uh, well…

Things haven't been going exactly…

well for me lately.

And by “lately,” i should say since the war,

the one in vietnam.

I heard you hit a rough patch.

Yeah, well…

Had my good times, bad times, like most folks, but…

at least i managed to stay out of jail, by god…

until, uh, maybe now.

What happened?

Well, I— The police arrested me for…

Seems I ate a seal.

Y-You ate a seal?

Well, I'm a fisherman. You know me. It's in my blood.

Problem is I'm a— I'm a lousy fisherman.

And, well…

See, what happens is I go two, three hours without a nibble,

And then I pick up my double-Aught and i just… boom!

And shoot myself a seal!

I mean, they're good eating. They—they really are.

And plus…

Cupboard's a little bare, truth be told.

You're under the impression they want actual jail time here?

I shot more than one.

They're very good eating.

He served in Vietnam, foregoing college when he got home.

I—I'd heard that he fell on hard times, but I—

I hadn't really kept in touch.

How many seals are we talking about?

I don't know. I—I'm not sure he's altogether sound.

He—he thinks Ashcroft trojan-horsed the public defender's office.

Denny. –Shirley.

Carl.

Denny, I'm—I'm feeling a draft.

Do you not feel it?

Let me tell you something, if we had a draft,

we'd put a real surge on those terrorists in Baghdad,

and we wouldn't have to fight this war with mercenaries,

at a fraction of the cost. You can quote me on that.

How's it going? –Hmm.

What? Oh, I'll bet you think

I don't know that I'm walking around in my boxers.

For your information, I know full well I'm not wearing pants.

And here I was, underestimating you.

I spilled something on them.

Choice was to go around looking incontinent or eccentric.

Which would you choose?

You might choose not to walk around at all.

Just a thought. –Sit, on my own, in my room?

Life's a cabaret, man.

He is getting worse. You do realize that.

I'll talk to him.

And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Jody…

Will you marry me? –Aww.

Uh, Steve, uh, I don't know what to say. I-I…

We broke up.

It's the reason why I'm on this program.

I'm trying to move on with my life.

I know, and I want to start over…

You and me.

I can't marry you, Steve.

Oh, jeez.

It's time for me to move on.

I've told you this. I…

It's okay, it's okay.

Mr Beckham, that was your daughter on the talk show?

Yes. She had been somehow convinced by the show's producers

to go on and discuss her relationship problems

in front of a national television audience.

And Steve was her boyfriend?

Ex-boyfriend, and as you can tell,

she was totally unprepared for a marriage proposal.

And what happened after the taping of this program?

After the airing of the program,

Steve went to my daughter's apartment,

and he murdered her.

He stabbed her 16 times.

Sir, to your knowledge,

did Steve have any history of violence?

Yes, he had been physically abusive to Jody many times.

That was the primary cause of their breakup.

On two occasions, Jody called the police,

because he got physical with her,

which she told the television producers.

First of all, it should be said,

my heart goes completely out to you.

It also probably should be said,

there's no mileage on that heart, so in effect, you'd be getting a new one.

–Mr Shore. –He's a quipster, that's what he is.

Sir, your daughter knew this young man better than Dr Ray

or any of the television producers over at World Wide Pictures.

Am I right about that? –Probably.

And after this television program was taped and aired,

did she have reason to believe

this young man might endanger her life?

I don't know.

Well… she never called the police to say she was in fear.

Did she call you?

She said that she was worried about how he might react.

She told me that. –Did you do anything?

I mean, if a father thought his daughter was in danger,

I assume he'd take steps, that's what I assume.

What did you do?

The fact is,

no reasonable person would've seen this coming.

Right, Mr Beckham?

Not your daughter… not you…

nobody.

So…

I spoke to the US attorney handling the matter— –And?

…and you've been arrested nine times.

Each time, you promise not to do it again,

And then boom, there goes another seal.

I'm trying to quit.

Ethan, I—

I'm going to say this as your lawyer and your friend—

I don't think you're entirely stable.

Is anybody?

Have you thought of seeing a doctor to get any help?

Well, I have no insurance.

Well, how can that be? You're a veteran.

Right, there's over two million of us without insurance, Shirl.

I mean— George— our fearless leader,

he cut enrollment for, uh, veterans earning more than $28,000.

For some families…