Archer

Ugh. A rainy day and a Monday... Talk about a downer-double-whammy, huh?

Do anything fun this weekend?

Because I sure did.

Friday night was Cornhole League, then on Saturday...

If I cared about what you do on the weekend,

I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

CHERYL/CAROL: Saturday I watched a building burn down.

Morning, Ms. Archer!

It took all weekend, but I finally got that payroll glitch sorted out.

I said by five on Friday.

Yeah sorry, the computer was down, so over the weekend

I had to punch all these cards by hand, and then... carefully put them in order.

Careful... It's pretty delicate.

Wow, and this is all marzipan?

Yeah, except for the barn, that's just graham crackers and icing.

Well, your dad is gonna love it.

I hope so. I mean, it's probably not the best birthday present for a diabetic?

Pam, those quarterly reports better be on my desk when I walk in there.

Are you...

walking in there right now?

What did I tell you on Friday?!

I know, and I was gonna come in this weekend,

but I had to finish this so I could get it in the mail today.

Wrong answer.

What the... shit?!

Hey, hey now, c'mon honey, It's just like when the

farm flooded in real life!

Only tiny and sweet!

Idiots. Surrounded by nothing but... What the hell is your problem?

Finding your replacement, missy, if you don't watch your tone!

My tone? !!

You watch your tone, you don't speak to me like I'm some...

Some what?!

Balloon-breasted bimbo?!

Always prancing around here in those clingy little... whatever

the hell they are, mini-sweater-dresses... and your double-D push-up bras,

so that all anyone can see, for miles around, are your gigantic breasts!

So...you wanna tell me what's going on?

No, I want you to get out.

Malory? Hey. I'm sorry, dear.

I had a mammogram on Friday and they...found something.

Oh my God... MALORY: Yeah.

So...is that why yer bein' such a bitch?

- You both have to swear you won't breath a word of this to anyone. - Totally.

Yes. Especially Sterling. If he found out...

that I might have breast cancer, he'd be devastated.

So this information cannot leave this... Pam, what the hell...

What? Nothing.

You're texting about my... I'm not, I swear!

This is about... CHERYL/CAROL: Breast cancer?!

Oh, you poor thing!

Pam! What is wrong with you?

I can't help it, it's like a disease.

Pam!

Do you not know what "disease" means?

Oh sorry, I forgot you might have... Breast cancer?!

Oh for the love!

And would you get off?!

Breath?!

Malory, if there's anything we can do you just say the word!

My entire laboratory is at your disposal.

Thanks, I'll let you know if I need a...hybrid pigboy.

A what? What are you...

I don't have one of those!

That'll do, Pigley... That'll do.

Anymore, what're we talking about? Nothing.

Because no one is to speak of this, ever, and especially not to... Sterling!

Good morning, dear! Good morning.

What's the big, non-me-telling secret?

Is there one? At a spy agency?

There's no secret dear, we were just...

Mother. Pardon me, sorry, one second. Pam?

No, you don't... Pam!

Pam. Pam!

Pam.

I'm okay I'm okay, I'm good! I'm good...

Pam. Your mom's got breast cancer!

She what? !?

Damn her piggy little eyes!

Aww, Pigley... Mother?!

Is this... Do you?

Ugh...

Oh, good God.

You'd think he was a half fainting goat.

Oh, Goatley.

Well, actually men can develop

breast cancer although it's extremely rare.

Yeah. And also hereditary.

So, thank you mother for that.

Oh, there's a good chance your mother's first mammogram was a false positive.

I'll know for sure after I get the results of her diagnostic exam, but...

I've got a good feeling about her.

And the feeling is mutual, doctor.

Hey, can you not...right now...

There's several other risk factors for

male breast cancer, such as

any history of alcoholism.

- You know, I mean I drink socially, but... - Hah!

I didn't have breakfast.

Any unusual exposure to radiation...

Um... Wait, seriously don't open it?

- Yeah. - Oh, I thought you were being sarcastic.

Looking for this?

Or perhaps the lead container I probably should've left it in?

So wait, wait, wait, wait. There's good cholesterol?

Mmmnope.

Well, then a little dose won't hurt.

Doctor, I have Ms. Archer's results...

Well if it isn't Chet Manley!

Yeah, and is it... I wanna say Peggy?

Rita! And you said you'd call me!

Really? To both statements?

Hello?!

If it's not too much trouble I'd like to know if I have cancer!

The first test was a false positive.

You're totally fine.

Wh-? Oh thank God!

Yeah good. Hey, wanna grab a drink later?

Peggy?

I can't believe it, it's such a relief!

I don't have breast cancer!

So, guess we can skip all this, huh?

Well we're here, machine's on, may as well take a look.

So, if you could...?

Hm? Oh, sorry... Wow.

Wow what, what is wow, what is that?

Thaaat... Yeah that's breast cancer.

What?! What?!

Yeah. So listen... Wanna grab a drink later?

Yep. Stage Two breast cancer...

Yeah, I mean it's not as bad as Stage Three or Four,

but it's not, ya know, obviously not as good as no cancer.

God, I should definitely get checked.

I'm so bad about doing the self-exam.

Hey, how about we check each other?!

So what's next, do you do chemo, or... A lumpectomy.

I go in for surgery next week, and they'll try to cut it all out...

If they can't get it all, or if it spreads to my lymph

nodes, then they'll do chemo, but I'm trying to stay

positive, cause I can beat this.

Wow, you seem kinda... different.

Yeah, did I mention I have cancer?

Not that, dick, your whole outlook.

All this... positivity and whatever.

I have to be positive.

Gotta stay strong.

So here, show some support.

Here, Brett, take a ribbon.

What is this? Pink ribbon.

I have breast cancer.

Ha ha! Seriously?

Breast cancer?

Yes... Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?

Excuse me.

I'm trying! To stay positive!

Both mentally! And spiritually!

Brett!

Kreiger: Well he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.

Gilette: He's beating his ass.

Now, if you all will excuse me again,

I'm going to spend some quality time with those who are dear to me.

Brett.

eepinnapeenimmonahmytun.

CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah hey it's got a safety pin!

What?!

Breast cancer, and yes, seriously.

And I dunno how it's gonna turn out, so I wanted to, ya know...

spend some time with the wee baby Seamus.

He's not even yer real kid.

So? So it's weird.

So is me paying you child support, Trinette,

but you keep cashing the checks!

I'm sorry. C'mon Trinette, Seamus may not be my son,

but he's probably as close as I'm ever gonna get.

Where're you taking him?

I dunno... what's he into?

Oh, that is just classic him... I mean my God, I was the one who...

CHERYL/CAROL: Was getting all the attention?

Who thought I had breast cancer.

Shut up! And now he has it and

it's all Sterling this and ribbons that!

Well he does actually have cancer... Well he didn't get it from me!

CHERYL/CAROL Wh-?!

It's contagious?!

What the shit?!

I know, I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but...

Not yours, shitbrain!

His!

Yeah it's like, we've got each other's backs.

Right?

You can't tattoo a frickin baby!

That's what the tattoo guy said.

Had to slip him an extra hundred bucks.

How bout I slip somebody a hundred bucks to...

throw acid in your face?!

Costs more than that, I bet to buy acid, Trinette.

C'mon, Seamus!

I hope your stupid cancer kills you. Oh yeah?!

Well I hope... it doesn't!

And to that end Woodhouse, macrobiotic food.