Nine Bachelors (Ils étaient neuf célibataires)

NINE BACHELORS

Good evening, Madam Countess.

She's probably just returned from a trip.

Is the Countess in a good mood today?

Far from it; I'm furious.

Can I do anything?

Get me my lawyer, Mr. Renard.

By phone?

What do you think? Morse code?

Must you ask so many questions?

I've always dreamed of being honest.

- Really? - Really.

I didn't have the chance. You know why?

- You never have a chance to. - To be honest?

Rarely. But you have many chances to be dishonest.

And being dishonest can be a full-time job.

At least thieves eat, don't they?

Being honest isn't a job.

- It's a virtue. - Precisely.

The honest but ignorant man starves.

When you're honest, nothing you do is dishonest.

- I don't badmouth honest people. - I hope so.

Where's my lawyer?

It's ringing, Countess.

You really know how to aggravate me.

You can see I'm nervous, yet you answer reprovingly.

So you can say I'm unfair.

It's true: I am being unfair right now.

Here are 100 francs.

I dare say I like it when the countess is unjust.

Mr. Renard?

Hello, this is Countess Batchefskaia.

I must see you right away.

I've just heard some frightful news.

When will you be free? At 8:00?

Let's meet for dinner.

Let's meet here.

Meet me in 15 minutes. In a nearby restaurant.

On Pelouse Street?

Meet me at Au Melon d'Espagne.

But ...

Tell me, What's stopping you from being honest.

It's like telling someone without skills to work ...

In short, it means taking someone else's place,

thus preventing him from earning a living.

Besides, why should I work?

I've been living this way for 20 years.

Do you know how much I spend?

How much money you spend doesn't concern me.

But how you earn it worries me.

Am I in trouble? Never!

How would you describe what you do?

I'm a middleman.

I intervene on behalf of the buyer and seller.

One party is ready to pay out a large sum,

and another to receive it.

I transfer the sum.

While it's being transferred ....

I levy a tax.

Half of all humans are looking for the other half.

Men and women are like apples cut in two.

Each half looks for the other.

Aren't men's wives referred to as their better halves?

Too often, they find the wrong half.

And simply don't get along.

When the right apple halves find each other,

you have love.

I love you so ...

If a man and a woman form 2 halves of an apple,

2 men form both halves of a pear.

Tell the master I'll be back by 9:00.

Yes, Madam, by 9:30. I'll tell him to wait.

To wait? Don't criticize me.

Yes, Ma'am.

It's no wonder you've remained an old maid.

I'm not an old maid.

I've been married for 27 years.

- I never see your husband! - Neither do I.

I haven't seen him in 11 years.

He left to get some matches one day, and never came back.

What do you think happened?

I guess he didn't find any.

We don't have any private rooms, sir.

But I can give you a quiet corner table.

It'll do. But if the person I'm waiting for ...

We'll give you another one.

That guy's nothing but trouble.

2 coffees.

Boss, that waiter looks like you.

He's my son.

He's not only your waiter, he's also your son.

- The cashier is my wife. - She's lovely.

The chef's my brother-in-law.

The busboy's my nephew.

- Your entire kin's in France? - Yes, for now.

This is Au Melon d'Espagne, there are no melons,

and only the few of you come from Spain.

Exactly.

Happens all the time.

Where's the private room entrance?

- We have no private rooms. - That's too bad.

So pretty and contemptuous!

The look she gave me ...

Ever notice how a queen looks at dog poop?

- No. - That was the look.

It's late and we're here already.

The next table is empty.

I'll whisper to you.

It seems you serve succulent calf's head and pig's feet.

We certainly do!

How ravishing. What a woman!

You've fallen for her?

Not yet.

But I adore attractive women.

- That man is so rude. - Which one?

The one facing me.

That guy ...

He keeps staring at me!

Think she's Russian?

Polish.

Not French?

No, but Parisian ...

Now I'm really getting to her.

Sit there.

A little more, not too much.

Move a little, a little more.

I've just heard some terrible news.

The Cabinet just tabled a law that affects foreigners.

Can he hear us?

It would seem ...

You're not speaking into my good one.

- Your good what? - My good ear.

The law states ...

Read all about it!

New law targets foreigners living in France.

It's too late.

Hurry!

- You see? - Yes.

- The law. - Yes.

Now what?

There you go.

Time for me to go.

We're good people, but we can't allow an invasion.

First you invade France, then try to kick Frenchmen out.

What are you thinking?

What just happened.

See why I'm worried?

Care to discuss it?

I think the new law has many people worried.

I'm wondering how I can benefit from the situation.

No, Ma'am. There's nothing I can do.

If you wish to remain in France,

you have no choice but to marry a Frenchman.

But you know my lifestyle.

I know about the master ...

I've got it.

Pen and paper, please.

About that man ...

He's married and he's Belgian.

Belgian, you say?

OLD FRENCH BACHELORS' HOME

- Get it? - Not yet.

First, I rent a small house. In Neuilly, for example.

Second, I turn it into a home.

Thirdly?

Yes, thirdly.

- It's common usage. - Thanks.

Third, when it's ready, I place ads in the papers:

A generous soul has anonymously opened ...

What style!

See you soon, madam.

This is interesting.

Why do you write "French bachelors"?

To attract foreign women, stupid.

I'm targeting her. Not too bright, are you?

Maybe not.

Try eating lentils.

I'm very late, dear.

Where were you?

I had dinner with Mrs. Gabouleff.

We spoke about the law for foreigners.

Many people are worked up about it.

What do you think?

I think the government has no choice.

Really?

France is being besieged by an army of aliens.

And you're not a foreigner?

Of course I am.

The law doesn't scare you?

Why should it?

It doesn't affect people like me.

- Only suspicious individuals. - Really?

You're not worried, are you?

- Wait. - What?

I don't see how it's dishonest.

Neither do I.

Just be patient.

- And your film deal? - Done!

- I'm now sole owner of the studios... - No!

... that nearly went bankrupt.