Then Barbara Met Alan

CAR HORN BLARES

SHE GIGGLES

What?

OK, look, the story starts with...

..with him.

It has to.

Me and him.

Sexy bastard.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I know this is stand-up, but...

LAUGHTER

SHE CACKLES

Right...

..I've not introduced my friend.

This is Chip.

He looks a bit wooden, love! Yeah.

Now...

All right, little drummer boy.

Now, Chip has a problem... You're late, mate. ..For some reason,

people seem to like putting coins in his head.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Is it the way he looks?

He looks... He looks funny. Am I right?

That's Wanda Barbara. Does he look like he's dying? Wanda Barbara?

Or that he deserves to die? She's the crip comedian.

I mean, what is it about the way he looks that makes people

want to give his brain lead poisoning?

Can you figure it out?

Do you reckon they can?

CHATTER

Fucking hell.

Right, question.

How many mutes have we got in here tonight?

Come on! Fine! I'm suffocating up here as it is.

Chip is too.

More because he's got 50 quid in five-pence pieces

stuck up his nostrils.

CHATTER CONTINUES

Oh, fucking hell, Chip! Right!

You've been borderline psychotic.

I've been funny...

..though none of you noticed.

Goodnight.

All right, all right. Come on, everyone.

Keep that applause going.

Let's bring it up again for the amazing Wanda Barbara!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now you are in for a treat, my friends.

Please get ready for the legend that he's going to become -

Johnny Crescendo!

Johnny Crescendo? It was going to be Sammy Scrabble.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE GRUNTS

Come on, Johnny!

APPLAUSE DIES AWAY

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE PLAYS A SOLO

DRUMMING

# I've known you now for... How long is it?

# And where'd you get that leg?

# Are you all right on the stairs?

# And where'd you get that leg?

# Why do you walk silly?

# And where'd you get that leg?

# Have you got a willy?

# And where'd you get that leg?

# You see, my mum She's in hospital

# She's sitting up in bed

# She'll soon be walking round, though, I know

# By the way, where'd you get that leg?

# I don't mean to be personal, son

# But where'd you get that leg?

# Has it affected half your bum?

# And where'd you get that leg?

# Are you a man with half a brain spent his time in bed?

# His parents are under quite a strain

# Where'd you get that leg?

# I got it with some petrol

# Cos it was going free

# This hand I got cos I never wiped

# My willy when I weed

# I got it by an accident

# I got it through bad luck

# Got run over by a Yorkie bar

# Disguised as a truck

# I got it for my birthday

# For Christmas, Halloween

# Which leg are you talking about?

# I don't know what you mean

# You see, my mum She's in hospital

# She's sitting up in bed

# She'll soon be walking round, though, I know

# By the way, where'd you get that leg?

# Now, I don't mean to be personal, son

# But where'd you get that leg?

# I don't mean to be personal, son

# But where'd you get that leg?

# I don't mean to be personal, son

# But where'd you get that leg? #

CHEERING

Thank you very much.

Hey, that was good.

Your act.

No-one laughed.

Well, sometimes you just catch the wrong mood.

OK, Broadway veteran, whatever you say.

You want a drink?

No. Come on.

No.

Well, why not?

Because I know what will happen.

Excuse me. What?

Fuck sake. Jeez.

Because I know what'll happen.

I'll get drunk. You'll get drunk.

You'll try and kiss me. I'll let you.

And then you'll either beg me for an embarrassing blowie

round the back of the bar,

lay out 40 quid for a cheap room, 20 quid for some cheap booze,

and then we'll have sex.

Either way, you'll end up poorer, and I'll have a hangover.

And I don't want a hangover.

It doesn't sound SO bad.

Question...

Can you lend me 60 quid?

CAR HORN BLARES

ENGINE STARTS

HORN BEEPS

Disabled protesters brought part of the Tube network

to a halt this afternoon in an angry protest over wheelchair access...

Disabled people from across Britain caused chaos

to South Wales' rail services...

The protest started at just after

three o'clock this afternoon,

when disabled people handcuffed themselves to Tube trains

on east and westbound platforms...

Why should disabled people pay for non-disabled people's transport?

Campaigners accuse the Government

of scuppering legislation to give

the disabled equal rights.

Dozens of trains were disrupted and there were six arrests

as protesters targeted Cardiff...

They say that while they're denied what they claim

are basic civil rights,

today's protest won't be the last.

OVERLAPPING VOICES

Oh, you're shy.

Oh... You got me up here and you're shy.

Hold on, you sort of got me up here, actually.

You opened the door and...

Well, I took the opportunity.

Hey, I-I could sing you one of my new songs.

Yeah. Chip and I are going to go. Oh, look, I've got my trumpet here.

Chip feels a bit sad on your behalf.

Come on. We've spent the money now.

What, and that's why we should have sex?

Because otherwise we'll waste 40 quid?

Besides, I lent you it. All right, moneybags!

On stage, you're the big "I am".

That's on stage.

SHE SIGHS

HE PLAYS

# Can you help our new son Chip

# Who's stuck to this piece of turf?

# He's got a crutch

# He's got a box

# So we can stand and beg

# And where'd he get that leg? #

Fuck it.

PIANO PLAYS

Alan dropped my 60 quid through the door

two days after the sex.

Three days after,

he called and asked me if he could take me on a date.

I told him no, put down the receiver,

waited ten seconds,

then reverse-charged a yes.

You know, made him pay for it.

He was delightful to play with.

Oh, allow me, milady, to get this for you.

Look at you. Yeah.

Oh...

Ah. Well.

Uh...

Looks like we're having takeaway, then.

Fuck this. Just...

Right, just give me a sec. I'm going to...

Alan, that's a door.

You can't fight a door.

They need a bigger door.

Well, they don't give a shit, do they?

But we fight...

..every battle.

You understand that? Every single one.

Where are you going?

Excuse me! Hi. Hiya. Yeah. Do you not like disabled people

in your restaurant?

What was true for pizza restaurants was true for everywhere.

We were expected to fit in and shut up.

Crips had no rights at all.