Secret Diary of a Call Girl

What are you trying to say to the reader?

I want you.

I think about you at night.

It just feels a bitstuck.

Like you've hit a wall.

- Look, I think it's great... - But...

Well, maybe we just need a different tack.

Like, 'What is kinky?

Why does 'different' do it for some men?

Could you find someone unusual?

Would you be up for that?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I'd be... I'd very, very...

up for that.

Duncan shouldn't be trying to pair you up with some weirdo.

He's your editor, yeah, he's not your pimp.

- No, it's just research. - Hannah, you're on his books to make money.

That's what you are to him. A cash cow.

That's sweet, Ben, and really nicely put!

How's your lovely girlfriend, by the way?

All right, all right!

How's my lovely sister, by the way?

It wasn't meant to go on like this. You know, develop.

There is a traditional way of dealing with that, Ben.

We call it 'finishing' with someone.

Why don't you help me here? You're her sister.

- It's better coming from you. -What?

Yeah, if you spoke to her for me,

she'd have you there, wouldn't she? For support.

No way. Your problem, you deal with it.

Hi, Ben. Hey...

Hi, babes.

So, how's that rich guy? You still seeing him?

No, although he did stay at mine last night.

- He just needed somewhere to crash. - Did he pay you?

Course not! It was a laugh.

He's taking the piss, Bambi.

I'm happy, is that a crime?

God, I hope I never turn out like you.

- What? - A cynical old prozzie.

- I just don't want you to get hurt. - You don't even know him.

Well, I know that he's loaded and I know he's not paying you.

The longer it goes on, the worse it'll be when it goes wrong.

And it has to go wrong, does it?

Yeah. It is me we're talking about, isn't it?

No, it's not you, it's just... the job.

Maybe they'll be the exception to the rule.

Yeah, maybe.

So, I located Mr Kinky Sexy...

Des.

Now, I have to warm the custard to body temperature...

How am I supposed to know when...

Why didn't I listen in cookery?

Now, for this client, I have to look impeccable.

- Hi, Des. - Hi, Belle.

Good to meet you.

You look nice.

Oh, this is for you before I forget.

Thanks, Des.

May I er...?

Thanks. Lovely.

Oh, I've got a change of clothes with me.

Thanks for getting dressed up.

Oh, that is a lovely spread!

- Perfect. - Yeah?

- I made it! - Really?

Fantastic!

And this is your first time, is it?

- Yeah. - Oh, that's brilliant.

It's great when someone new comes to it.

You are gonna love it.

It's just about letting go. You know...

- Is there somewhere I can pop this? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- It's just... it's just in there. - Oh, right.

Sploshing,

the art of getting wet...

and down and dirty.

I might just...

Yeah, great.

Oh, that's wicked, that is.

Good.

I'm into everything, me.

- You know... - Yeah?

Yeah. Mud... Mm...

- Water... - Yeah...

Beans...

- Pasta... - Beans!

Pasta!

My ex-girlfriend...

we used to see how many beans we could fit...

- in her bikini... - Yeah?

Yeah. I'd like beans...

in my bikini.

Oh, you dirty girl!

Oh, hang about...

you're going to make me come.

Is that a problem?

No, no, it's er...

Are you ready for some?

Yeah. Great.

Right, choose any of them.

Throw it at me. Aim for the face.

Ok.

Are you ready for this?

Oh, no.... don't.

Wow!

My eyes! I can't see!

Oh, hang on.

- Here's a towel. - Oh, thanks.

- Are you all right? - Yeah...

I just...

- Right... - Are you all right?

Yeah. Ok...

What shall we do now, then?

I don't mind. You choose.

No, no... you choose.

- Beans? - Beans...

You're gonna love this.

Yeah, I can feel I am.

- Top or bottom? - Surprise me!

- Knickers then. - Ok!

- Is that all of them? - No, no, no.

I'm just seeing how you like it. A bit faster or slower?

I really don't mind. There's more, is there?

You're not enjoying any of this, are you?

- there's no point carrying on if you don't like it. - No, it's just...

just my ankle, then my eye, the cream...

- It's only cream. - Yeah.

Look, I... I think I better clean up and go.

It's obviously not your thing.

I just... I just think I'm not the right girl to splosh with.

- All right. - All right.

How am I gonna write that up?

I'm gonna need some help.

A firm editorial hand...

What?!

'The Rules' are there to be broken.

Now what I'm about to do requires courage,

focus...

and most important of all the right...

shoes.

I love you!

- Hello. - Hi.

Where is everyone?

Oh, they're at a sales conference.

- The event of the year. - But you're not there...

No.

Won't you be missed?

Lots of people telling each other how fantastic their departments are