Dave Chappelle: The Dreamer

All right.

Almost 24 years ago...

it was the last time I was on the stage in this room.

I was taping my first one-hour special.

It was called Killin' Them Softly.

My girlfriend was sitting in that row, pregnant.

She's now my wife.

The baby that she was carrying, my first child...

I smoke weed with that nigga now.

And what I remember most about that night was the pressure.

Before the show, I had to run out on the avenue

and hand out tickets to anybody who would take 'em

'cause I couldn't even fill the fucking room.

And, boy, what a difference 24 short years makes.

And right before that time, my father had died.

He never lived to see me do it.

And when he died, I was inconsolable.

I thought I'd never smile or laugh again.

And the only thing that got me out of that space

was a comedian friend of mine, the late, great Norm MacDonald.

That's right, shout out for Norm.

And what Norm did, which I'll never forget,

as he knew that I was the biggest Jim Carrey fan in the world.

I'm not gonna go into it,

but Jim Carrey is talented in a way that you can't practice or rehearse.

What a God-given talent. I was fascinated with him.

And Norm knew that. He called me up, and he goes, "Dave, I'm..."

He says, "I'm doing a movie with Jim Carrey..."

"Do you want to meet him?" And I said, "Fuck, yes, I do."

It was the first time I could remember, since my father died, being excited.

And the movie was called Man on the Moon. I didn't know any of this.

In this movie, Jim Carrey was playing another comedian I admired.

The late, great Andy Kaufman.

Yes, and Jim Carrey was so immersed in that role,

that from the moment he woke up,

to the time he went to bed at night, he would live his life

as Andy Kaufman.

I didn't know that.

When they said, "Cut," this nigga was still...

Andy Kaufman.

So much so that everybody on the crew called him Andy.

I didn't know that. I just went to meet him.

When he walked into the room we were to meet, I screamed, "Jim Carrey!"

And everyone said, "No!"

"Call him Andy."

And I didn't understand.

He came over and was acting weird. I didn't know he was acting like Kaufman.

Just like, "Hey, how you doing?" And I was like, "Hello...

Andy?"

Now...

in hindsight, how fucking lucky am I

that I got to see one of the greatest artists of my time

immersed in one of his most challenging processes ever?

Very lucky to have seen that.

But as it was happening...

I was very disappointed.

Because I wanted to meet Jim Carrey,

and I had to pretend this nigga was Andy Kaufman all afternoon.

It was clearly Jim Carrey.

I could look at him and I could see he was Jim Carrey.

Anyway, I say all that to say... that's how trans people make me feel.

Here we go.

Now, if you guys came here to this show tonight...

thinking that I'm gonna make fun of those people again,

you've come to the wrong show.

I'm not fucking with those people anymore.

It wasn't worth the trouble.

I ain't saying shit about them.

Maybe three or four times tonight, but that is it.

Tired of talking about them.

You wanna know why I'm tired of talking about 'em?

Because these people acted like I needed them to be funny.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I don't need you. I've got a whole new angle.

You guys will never see this shit coming.

I ain't doing trans jokes no more. Know what I'mma do tonight? Tonight...

I'm doing all handicapped jokes.

Well, they're not as organized as the gays.

And I love punching down.

There's probably a handicap in the back 'cause that's where they make them sit.

"I came here to laugh at transgender people."

"I didn't know this nigga was gonna make jokes about us."

"Come on, y'all, Let's get the fuck up out of here."

Yeah, it's about time somebody let these handicaps have it.

Nigga met their match tonight. Fuck 'em.

One time I was on Capitol Hill,

and I seen a handicapped congressman.

- Madison Cawthorn, that's his name. - Oh!

He's a Republican from North Carolina.

And he was shocked

'cause I saw him and I go, "Hello, Congressman."

He didn't even know I knew who he was. He turned...

Then I just walked away.

I wanted him to see me do something he couldn't do.

I skipped.

That nigga was mad.

He's no longer a congressman.

I don't know if you follow politics.

I'm not trying to be funny, but he lost his seat.

He ran a bad race.

Oh, buddy, yes, he did.

You know what he did wrong?

He was running for Congress again,

and this motherfucker tried to be controversial.

He was on all them right wing podcast talking all that shit.

He was like, "Washington is worse than Hollywood."

I was at home, like, "What?"

He said, "These people are disgusting."

"They have orgies and sex parties and drug parties."

And I was thinking, "This nigga sounds like Juicy Smoo-yay."

He's lying.

Now, I don't doubt that they do this kind of shit in Washington,

but I doubt he's seen it with his own eyes.

Because who the fuck invites a paraplegic to an orgy?

So this nigga can roll around and snitch on everybody?

I said there's only one reason you gonna invite him to an orgy.

And you know what that is.

"Have at it, guys, I can't feel anything."

"Let's get this bill passed for America."

"One at a time, folks."

Oh, buddy.

Yep, yep, yep.

The other handicaps are the new people I punch down on.

To be honest with you,

I've been trying to repair my relationship with the transgender community.

'Cause I don't want them to think that I don't like them.

You know how I've been repairing it? I wrote a play.

I did. 'Cause I know that gays love plays.

It's a very sad play, but it's moving.

It's about a Black transgender woman

whose pronoun is, sadly, nigga.

It's a tear-jerker.

At the end of the play, she dies of loneliness

'cause white liberals don't know how to speak to her.

Sad.

Speaking of nigga...

I've also been working on a book, and this is true.

I'm rewriting the American Classic, Huckleberry Finn,

from Nigger Jim's perspective.

It's called The Adventures of Nigger Jim.

That's how it starts.

Huckleberry Finn walks up to him and goes, "You're Nigger Jim."

And he's like, "Yo, I just said 'Jim.'"

"What's your name, little buddy?"

"Huckleberry Finn is my name."

"What? Huckleberry? That's your real name?"

"God-given."

"You know what?"

"Just call me Nigger Jim, it's fine."

I don't care if you are Black or White or whatever.

If you ever meet a white person named Huckleberry,

he has less money than you.

That is the white trashiest name I've ever heard in my fucking life.

If you have a name like Huckleberry, you're doomed to fail.

If I was in court and my lawyer came up like,

"I am your attorney, Huckleberry Finn." I'd be like, "Uh-oh, I'm going to jail."

God forbid I ever go to jail.

But if I do, I hope it's in California.

Soon as the judge sentence me, I'll be like, "Before you sentence me,

I want the court to know...

I identify as a woman."

"Send me... to a woman's jail."

As soon I get in there, you know what I'mma be doing.

"Give me your fruit cocktail, bitch, before I knock your teeth out."

"I'm a girl, just like you, bitch."

"Come here and suck this girl dick I got. Don't make me explain myself."

You know, I have a great reputation in show business,

but in comedy, I'm what's known as a lazy comedian.

Which is crazy 'cause I work all the time, but that's not why they call me lazy.

They call me lazy 'cause I do shows sometimes...

Twenty thousand people be in the crowd, and I'll tell a joke,

and they'll all look at me like I'm crazy.

But three or four people will laugh really hard.

And I'll be on stage like, "Yeah, that's good enough."

Well, this next joke is one of those jokes that...

You know what I mean? I like to tell it, but it never does good.

But I'm gonna do it. Know what I don't do good?

I'm not good at impressions, but this is an impression.

You ready? Okay.

This is not gonna work.

A'ight, this is my impression.

It's my impression...

of the dead people on the Titanic.

You didn't let me finish.

This is my impression of the dead people on the Titanic,

as the submersible was approaching their ship.

That's good enough. All right, here it goes.

I... Okay, here it goes.

Come join us in our watery grave.

Oh, buddy, that's funny to me.

Listen, that is a funny way to die.

Twenty years from now, on my 70th birthday,

I'm gonna take a submersible to see the submersible.

Hopefully by then it should work.

My wife hates that joke. You know...

Do you know there's a strip club in D.C. called Camelot?

- Is that still open? - Yes!

I know what I'm doing after the show. I gotta tell you...

the other day, my wife called me creepy.

You know, I frequent strip clubs. It's something I like to do.