Deadbeat - Third Season

On today's show, a man who had a penis transplant

finally meets the family of his deceased donor.

What he doesn't know...

- they want the penis back. -

That's so ridiculous!

I never would've gone on national television

after my penis transplant.

- What? -

Oh, dude, we got a job.

- Grab your jacket. Let's go. - Yeah, look, dude,

we just worked yesterday. I mean, come on,

let's set a couple guidelines here, okay, Roomie?

I'm not really a "get up early",

wash my whole body, and go to work two days in a row"

type of guy, just generally speaking.

Pac, we do this job, we get a thousand clams.

I don't know, dude. That seems like

way too many clams for just two guys.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

I mean, that's a thousand clams.

I guess we could freeze half of them

and then slowly work our way through the first 500.

No, Pac, the job pays a thousand dollars.

Oh, fuck me, okay!

Why didn't you say so?

What do you say, celebratory bong hits?

No, dude. We just got a job.

Right, that was dumb. I'm sorry.

It's unprofessional.

- We're smoking blunts. - Hey-o!

Let me see that thing. Do you have one for you?

Ooh.

- But it sounds good. - Reverb, brother.

- Hi. - You must be the ghost guys.

We are indeed. Although I don't see ghosts.

He does. But we're partners.

Yeah. I mean, we're not, like, life partners.

We're business partners. But I guess we would like

the business to last a lifetime.

- But, no, we're not lovers. - Yeah, but we have, like,

no problem changing in front of each other

- and stuff like that. - I don't love it, but...

Thrilling story. Listen,

I'm getting married here in a week

and every time I try to rehearse,

my father-in-law gets injured

and it's really taking the attention away from me.

Clearly, something doesn't want me

to walk down this aisle.

- Yeah. - So maybe it's best

- I just sit this one out. - Come on, Gus.

You know I need a father figure to walk me down the aisle.

See, my real dad's an astronaut

and he's been busy on this super important space mission

- since before I was born. - Whoa. Oh, holy shit.

I... you know, I never met my dad either.

In fact, I was born in an orphanage.

I mean, I wasn't born in an orphanage...

I'm sorry. It just... it seems like

you're winding up to tell a very lengthy story

and I really don't have time for that.

Right, yeah, of course.

Okay. Sir, if you wouldn't mind,

would you take a couple steps down the aisle

so I can get a better sense of what's going on in here?

I'd rather not.

I'd really rather you did.

Come on, Gus. This is important.

We're getting married in one week.

Just walk down the aisle.

Okay.

- Not so bad. - No, no, keep going.

- Get into the aisle. -

Oh!

I told you!

- We should, um... -

We should really go check on him.

- Sure. - Fix this.

Yes, as you wish, ma'am.

This is wrong.

This is all wrong.

- God. - Hi there!

- Oh, is it the ghost? - Yeah.

Fucking Jesus Christ!

It's the ghost of Jesus?

Oh, I have so many questions.

Ask him what kind of wood I should use

when I'm building my end table.

No, it's not the ghost of Jesus Christ, man.

It's a... it's a lady ghost.

Really? Describe her.

Well, okay, yeah. She's, uh...

uh,

well-built.

Muscular? That's hot.

- Yeah, muscular. - All right, listen.

I'm kind of in a time crunch here,

- so if we could just... - Get right to it.

The thing is, I know I don't look old-fashioned,

but I am, and I really need Jane's father

- to walk her down the aisle. - Isn't Jane's father

- in outer space? - What? No!

She just told me he was.

Jane's father is not in space.

That is something I made up

to tell a two-year-old.

See, the thing is, I was a porn actress, okay?

- Yeah. - Cindy Squirter.

- No? - No.

- No? - Cindy Squirter?

Her dad was one of my costars

and I was gonna come clean to her about it at some point,

but I died when she was so young.

Pac, what's happening? Tell me what's going on.

Okay, she was a porn star.

- Actress. - Muscle porn?

- Yo, that's my jam! - I know.

- Okay, - Hook me up!

This might be kind of easier than we think.

You just tell us the name of that costar,

we go round him up and bring him to the wedding.

- Piece of cake. - I don't know

who Jane's father is. That's the problem.

I made a lot of movies

around the time that Jane was conceived.

All I know is it was October 1991

and the only person with the information

of who I was in the movies with

was my agent, Saul.

Your agent Saul.

Okay, good. That's where we'll start, then.

- Come on, let's go. - So, does she have, like,

a Sylvester Stallone kind of body?

Yeah. "First Blood."

- Guys, come in. Sit down. - Thank you.

Thank you. Don't mind if we do.

Okay, before we get started, you gotta sign

one of these release forms.

- Here. - Sure. Sure, sure, sure.

Sorry, the pen's a little chewed up, but...

Sorry, what are these release forms for?

Big, fat, gay bear movie.

- No... - You two, you're perfect.

No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no.

No, no, no, we're not here for any big, fat, gay bear porn.

You can't quite pull off twink anymore.

No, no, no. We're not here for any kind of gay porn.

You don't have to be gay to suck dick in a film.

- Well... - Some of

the straightest guys I know,

they exclusively have sex with men.

- No. Saul... - How much do these guys make?

- No, Clyde! - What if we just

- jerk off with... all right. - Yeah, we're not.

We're not going down that path. Saul,

we're here because of a former client of yours,

- Cindy Squirter. - God.

- Sweet girl. - Yeah.

Can I have one of these dick candies?

Yeah, help yourself.

She has a kid who's all grown up now

and we're trying to find its father.

Do you have any recollection

of what Cindy's schedule would've looked like

in October of '91?

You know, around that time,

Cindy, she worked almost exclusively

with an actor named Diego.

- Diego. - Decent guy.

- Great penis. - Okay, well, excellent.

So, then Diego must be her father.

- I think so. - The only trouble is

Diego, he had a vasectomy.

Could not have been him.

Let me see if I've got one of my calendars.

This release is not that bad.

- - I guess.

It's worth considering.

- Is that the rate? - Yeah!

- Got it. - Hey, bingo!

Diego, Diego.

- Mm-hmm. - Diego,

Diego, "Cindy 500,"

Diego, Diego, Diego.

Hold on, hold on, back that up.

What's "The Cindy 500"?

It's a little movie we made

where 500 guys banged Cindy

- in a paint shed. -

- I got a copy. - Give it here.

- That'll help. - Okay, so the father

is gonna be any one of these 500 guys?

Could be worse. I have a client who did a picture called

"20,000 Loads Under the Sea."

Keep the pen. I've got a million of them.

Thank you.

Ugh, to all the people who laughed at me

for still using a VHS, look who's laughing now.

Ha ha!

- Got 'em. - Hey, hey, don't fast-forward.