Rules of Engagement

Mr. Bingham?

Yes, I am Jeff Bingham.

Just filled out this form here.

Sorry.

- I'm having a baby. - Congratulations.

And your wife is doing fine.

Well, she's not my wife. She's a lesbian.

I don't know if that affects anything,

but I wrote it on the form there.

Oh.

Yes, I see.

"Big ol' lesbian."

My wife is on her way.

Now, will the two of you be in the delivery room?

Well, according to her, we will be.

But to be honest, I really don't wanna

see my buddy's business.

I'll get started on your paperwork.

Okay.

Jeff, I'm here. Sorry.

Ahh.

Ah, ah, me too.

Me too, buddy.

Okay. Hey, guys.

Look, and as far as this may or may not

affect our wedding tonight, it is all good.

All right, the important thing is not to worry.

What's he talking about?

Ha! That is a good one, best man.

And look, if you'd like me to,

I could be there in the delivery room to help,

'cause as you know, my mother was a doula.

Well, I don't know what that is,

but don't take that as an invitation to tell me.

Well, a doula is a nonmedical birthing guide.

Listen, maybe you can go to the cafeteria

and get us some snacks.

You're kinda under-using me, but okay.

Oh, hey, speaking of snacks...

Do you guys plan on eating the placenta?

- Uh... - No?

- No, mm-mm. - Just go.

Okay. Placenta.

Okay. When do we go to the delivery room?

All right. Well, actually, I was thinking,

with today's technology, we could probably...

No. You cannot skype the birth.

Honey, I know you're squeamish,

but I want you in there with me, come on.

Yeah, well, forgive me for not wanting

to see Brenda nearly torn in two by another human.

Honey, I will be there to help you.

Come on, it's gonna be beautiful.

Wow. You gals all stick together, don't you?

William Charles's office.

Ah, hello, Mr. Charles.

How goes the conference?

Oh, very witty, sir.

So nice to work for someone whose sense of humor

transcends that of a horny schoolboy.

What's that?

Human resources said there's a problem with my work visa?

Sir, I assure you,

it should've transferred from my old job.

I completed all the required paperwork.

All that was needed was for Mr. Dunbar to...

Oh, my God!

Wait. Wait, you can't just go in there!

Sorry, sorry.

Sir, I tried to stop him.

And you couldn't?

That doesn't have brakes?

Just go get me a cup of coffee or something.

Well, well.

To what do I owe this inconvenience?

Shouldn't be at your new job,

trying to curry favor with your boss?

And by curry, I mean Indian curry.

I'm here, braving your acrid cologne

one final time,

to ask if you've received a call from immigration officials

asking about me.

No.

I did get a prank phone call about some fake name though.

- Timir patel? - Yes!

Did you get that same call?

That's my given name.

Oh, really? You should give it back.

Sir, that was a verification call

to extend my visa to stay in America.

Tell 'em to call me back.

I'll "strizzy" it all "Izzy."

Oh, I think you've "strizzled" enough "izzle."

What do you need?

I have your coffee.

I'm in a meeting.

You can't barge in... Just put it on the floor.

Okay.

Oh, and Adam Rhodes called from the hospital.

He said Brenda's gone into labor.

Just another prank phone call.

I don't know a Brenda.

Brenda.

- - Seriously?

Mr. and Mrs. Bingham's friend

and surrogate for their child...

Who you've met umpteen times.

Brenda!

Oh, bren-da.

I know Brenda. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, she's having a kid. We should go see it.

And more importantly, hot nurses.

I'd love to.

Unfortunately, I have to go

to the immigration office.

Why?

I'm kidding.

All that stuff you were blabbing out,

I heard ya.

Listen, why don't you cruise by

after you straighten all that out, okay?

Aah.

Really, Eddie?

You put coffee on the floor?

All right, Brenda, keep breathing.

You're doing great.

Ahh, doctor says you're doing great.

Yes, I can hear. The baby is not

coming out of my ears.

Hey, Jeff. Don't look down there, okay?

Don't worry. I don't want to.

Jeff! Can you please try to be helpful?

All right. I will, okay?

Mets lost again. No surprise there.

What are you doing?

I'm reading the sports page

to take Brenda's mind off of the pain.

That's not gonna help.

No, actually I think that it will.

- Keep going, Jeff. - As I was saying...

Mets three games in a row.

Yeah, it's been a rough season.

Andres Torres, one for four.

Justin Turner, one for four.

All right, this is not exactly how I pictured

the birth of my child.

Yeah, well... Who pitched for the mets?

- Santana. - Ugh.

They just never score runs for him.

Please, what is happening?

I blame the middle of the mets' batting order.

No, I meant with Brenda.

- What... - Oh, of course.

Oh, looks like the baby's coming down the birth canal.

Ooh.

David Wright, 0 for 4.

Ow, ow.

Keep breathing. That's a girl.

You two wanna come see the progress down here?

Oh, come on, doc!

Jeff, this is the birth of our daughter.

If you miss this, you're gonna be sorry.

Yeah, go ahead, Jeff.

Everyone else is looking at it.

Come on, I'll help you.

I'll hold your hand.

What just happened?

Audrey looked at your stuff and threw up.

Oh, hey.

Hey, Russell.

Jeff and Audrey, having a baby, huh?

- Pretty exciting. - I know.

It's a real hoot, buddy.

Plus it gets me out of some lame

bummer of a thing I had to do later tonight.

My wedding to Jen?

Oh, that was it, yeah.

Whew, bullet dodged.

Hey, don't worry, buddy. We're gonna reschedule it.

Hey, to be honest,

it gives me more time to train mambo.

Mm.

You know, I want him to, like, fly the rings in.

Right.

We are just not there yet.

Really? Tell me less.

Hey, listen.

Where's all the, uh, nurses around here?

Uh, there's a couple of 'em right over there.

No. No, no.

No, you're not hearing me.

The nurses with the, uh, fishnets

and the short skirts and the...

Oh, yeah, the porno nurses.

Yes, those.

Ah, yeah.

It's the wife.

Hi, baby.

Jen, it's good you're here. Maybe you can help.