SunTrap

You know the old saying "there's no time like the present"?

Well, what better present to get yourself a share of

than... What? Paul?

- Time? - Timeshare, exactly.

You catch on quick, Paul. You're a very lucky lady, Jan.

- Jen. - Whatever.

Los Banos Apartments Paradise,

the single best property investment you can make, no question.

- I have question. - Yes, of course, Mr...

No Mister. Sheikh.

- Sheikh? - Sheikh Ratalandrol.

What if I take them all, for whole year? Is possible, yes?

- Oh. - Excellent.

Sorry, Paul. You snooze, you don't win.

Now, you take a cheque? Ah, no cheques left.

I spend so much money. Lamborghini, Lamborghini,

jewels, Pizza Hut, Lamborghini.

You take cash? Or jewels, Mr...

- Todd. - Ah, beautiful name. Mr Todd.

I put you in contact with my contact,

who will put you in contact with his contact, yes?

Well, of course, Sheikh.

No, laddie, no Sheikh.

John J Johnson, regional vermin exterminator,

for the region and the surrounding regions.

I just didn't want to embarrass you in front of Paul and Jen.

- Sorry, vermin? - Aye, vermin.

You, sir, are up to your ears in earwigs, ticks, fleas, parasites,

pigeons, rats, mice, lice, voles, polecats, bedbugs and...

Did I mention cockroaches?

Sorry, who called you in?

And thank God they did.

I'm putting you into shutdown, effective immediately.

- You haven't got the authority. - No, but I have.

I want to speak to your superior.

No need to thank me. You need to leave now.

I'll stay on site for as long as it takes. Uh, toss me the keys, laddie.

If there's one thing cockroaches can't stand,

it's the sound of a multi-speed Jacuzzi.

Now, go. I'll call you in a week.

- But you haven't got my number. - No, but I have.

Ripped By mstoll

Brutus, big news.

I found somewhere else to stay,

so you can have your desolate fish-shed nightmare thing back.

Please don't say you're talking about my beautiful beach hut.

That's what I said. Your beautiful, stinking,

beach-hut apocalypse, travesty, dead seagulls on the bed nightmare thing.

Well, don't ever become an estate agent.

I'm moving out, no need to thank me. You don't have to say a thing.

- Zorro, Bloody Mary. - Thanks, B. Not too spicy.

It is not for you, you plum. Zorro, spicy.

Spicy, no spicy, spicy, no spicy.

It's like, I don't know, come on, man. Forget about it.

Sorry, Woods, no dinero, no drinko.

Come on, B, I'm skint. Maybe you could advance me a month's wages?

- You don't work for me. - Okay, a month of his wages.

Look, I'll help you out in the empty pocket department. I've got you a job.

You're the best. No, wait, I forgot about me.

You're the second best.

Do you want the job or don't you? All you gotta do is deliver an antique.

I'm not interested. Who's it for, anyway?

She's in the member's lounge.

Like I said, I'm interested.

There's a surprise. Her name's Maria.

That's not a surprise. It would have been a surprise if her name was Kevin.

Will you turn it off for one minute?

She's from a courier company,

one of her guys has let her down,

she's looking for someone to step in, short notice.

She said she wants to hire someone who has a bit of muscle.

Hmm.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Hello, lady.

My friend, he say you're looking for the man with the muscle.

Yes, I am. Do you know someone?

Ah! Is me!

- Really? - I'm a wise guy.

I'm from Sicily. My family, they are...

They are... (CHOKING) Sorry, could you just...

- I'm Maria. - (NORMAL ACCENT) Woody.

Not very Sicilian.

It's short for Gino.

Really? Which part of Sicily are you from?

Little village. You wouldn't know it.

Try me.

Ginelli.

You're Gino from Ginelli?

Si. My great-grandfather, he invented the ice cream.

But enough about him, let's talk about me.

I am here, I am the muscle and I can do your job.

Okay, Gino. The job's yours.

Magnifico!

I need you to deliver an antique to one of the islands.

Here are tickets for the ferry, you'll be met at the port,

come straight back on the return trip.

And then, of course, the dinner?

Why not? You can come to mine.

I know a lovely recipe for toothpicks.

You are like me. A bella with a sense of humour.

Except I'm not a bella . I am a fella. One hell of a fella.

Can you not feel something passing between us?

A urn?

Yes, please have a bit of respect.

Don't worry. It's safe with me. In Sicily we have a saying,

"You earn the respect or you learn you earn a turn in the urn."

It sounds better in Italian.

This job's important to me, Gino. Don't muck it up.

You can rely on me.

As my great-grandfather once said,

"One scoop or two?"

Is not relevant here but he was a wise man.

Zorro, where's my Bloody Mary?

Just looking for some celery.

And where are those sausages? Lorenza?

- Si. - Blimey, how do you do that?

Lorenza, have you cooked my sausages?

Uh, she says they'll be ready in five minutes.

Another close call for Employee of the Month.

But I think we have a winner.

Yum, yum. All right, Bev? Usual?

Yes, please, Brutus.

Brutus? Brutus!

No, no, Brutus is dead. I'm his cousin, of someone else.

You monster.

Beverly, calm down. Let me explain!

Let me explain. This is my ex-wife Beverly.

Long story short, we got divorced, I faked my own death,

ran off with the dough and started a new life out here.

I'd tell you more but I'm a bit busy with a customer right now.

You little snake!

I knew you were too vain to top yourself. I'm going to kill you.

- I can explain. - Okay.

- What? - Go on, then!

Ah. Weren't expecting you to let me. I can't really explain.

I'm just lucky that I never loved you. It's going to make it all the sweeter

when I take you for everything you've got.

Listen, Beverly. Whatever we were or whatever we weren't,

we were definitely in love. Yes, it was intense,

yes, it was torrid. It was argumentative.

- You were argumentative. - You were argumentative.

You were argumentative. It was torrid.

You said that already.

Yes, 'cause it weren't half torrid! I still can't straighten me left knee.

Well, that was your fault for not warming up properly.

It's no one's fault! Whatever went wrong or whatever happened between us,

it was love.

- You finished? - Mmm-hmm.

I'm still having the bar.

I was hoping you'd forgot about that when I was doing my bit about the love.

Mmm. I'm going to call my lawyer.

Then, I'm coming back for the keys.

Oh! "Bar Beverly".

No, I've got it. "Bar for sale"!

It's times like these I wish I'd taken the coward's way out!

And stayed married to you!

It's my ex-wife.

Out on the open sea.

It's days like these I realise I've got the best job in the world.

There really is no better place on the planet to be an urn delivery man.

There's always one idiot who spoils it.

To be fair, it's usually me.

Hey, what did the police want?

Ah, they said they have information that someone on the boat is smuggling drugs.

Oh.

Oh, thank goodness you're here, officers. They went that way.

- Who did? - You know, the men.

- Men? - The nasty men.

They tried to give drugs to my baby.

- Which way did they go? - They went that way.

No, wait, that way. Right to the other end of the boat.

My baby!

Hold your breath, junior.

So how'd it go?

Fine, right up until the point I had to jump off the ferry

to be rescued by a hen party on a giant banana.

- Sounds pretty good. - Yeah, it was pretty good.

You look like you could do with a Jagertini. Dive in.

Here you go, my son. Get your laughing gear around that.

Not for breakfast, thanks.

Oh, well. Your loss. So, what happened?

Mrs Priceless Antique sent me out to sea with this.

Wow! This is good stuff. None of that Spanish rubbish.

- What are you doing? - It's talcum powder.

No Yardley Gentleman, but it does the job.

Hang on, what's going on?

I ask myself that every 10 minutes.

She must have been using me to test a possible drug route.

- Clever. - Pretty, too.

- I actually meant you, Woody. - So did I.

Come on, B. We need to track her down.

Sorry, son. No can do. Got me own trouble and strife to deal with.

My ex-missus has just found me.