Matt Rife: Natural Selection

Thank you so much, man. Wow!

D.C., what's going on?

Oh my God.

Thank you.

Thank you. Sit down, sit down, get comfortable, my God.

Thank you so much.

Oh!

Thank you.

Thank you so much, man.

Washington, D.C.

We're doing Netflix, baby.

We're doin' it. We're doin' it. Oh!

This is so cool, man. I wish...

I wish my grandpa could see this.

He, um... I... I... I always wanted to bring him here to visit.

You know, he knew how much I loved D.C., and he... he...

he loved Maryland. It was like his favorite state, which...

Well, wh...

Well, which, you know, is... is a valid response

unless you've been to Baltimore, because it too...

What the fuck is going on in Baltimore, dude?

Mar... Bro, Maryland as a state cannot pick a tone, dawg.

Just pick one...

It's so beautiful and so ratchet for no reason.

Can y'all just pick a tone, man?

All of Maryland. Y'all drive to the beach with your top down

and then go to Baltimore and lock all your doors.

You know, no middle ground ever, man. I've only been to Baltimore one time.

I ate lunch there, and the hostess, who seats you at the restaurant,

had a black eye.

A full black... It wasn't like, "What happened?"

I... It was pretty obvious what happened.

We couldn't get over the fact, "This is the face of the company?"

Like, "This is... This is who you have greeting people?"

And my boy, who I was with was like, "Yeah, I feel bad for her."

"I feel like they should, you know, put her in the kitchen or something...

where nobody has to see her face, you know."

And I was like, "Yeah, but I feel like if she could cook, she wouldn't

have that black eye."

So...

Testing the water, seeing if y'all are gonna be fun or not.

Just wanted to see.

Just wanted to see.

I figure if we start with domestic violence,

the rest of the show should be...

should be pretty smooth sailing after that.

Yeah, of course, I felt bad for her, man.

She should've had her protection crystals, you know what I mean?

Fellas, we gotta put our foot down, man.

This crystal shit is getting out of control.

Ladies, put the fuckin' pebbles down, okay?

We are sick and tired of walking into your bedroom

looking like we gotta beat you in a game of mancala

before we can sleep with you.

What the fuck is all this gravel doing inside, Thanos?

I swear, the biggest issue with crystal girls

is the fact it's their entire personality,

and they won't shut up about it.

I mean, you even, God forbid, bring it up mid-conversation.

Aw!

This is my favorite one.

This is, um...

This is a piece of green Peruvian jade,

and it provides me with, like, strength

and... and... and protection

and... and... and...

and no, it doesn't.

No, it's not, okay.

That's a broken shard of a Heineken bottle that you...

...that you bought from a white dude with dreadlocks,

who also runs a throat goat yoga class.

Okay?

Say what it really is, some bullshit.

The only thing it's protecting is me

from dating another girl who's pussy tastes like kombucha.

Okay?

No more hippie shit.

Shower.

Maybe get back to using real deodorant?

No more of this organic deodorant shit

that lasts shorter than fuckin' fruit-stripe gum.

Okay? No more.

Y'all remember that garbage?

- Yeah! - It would last two chews.

That's y'all walking around, two smacks,

stinkin' all over again, dude.

I'm so sick of it, man.

This hippie shit is gonna be the death of me, I swear.

If I hear one more person blame how their life is going on Mercury,

I will kill you myself. Do you understand?

You leave that goddamn planet alone.

I'm so tired of you ladies blaming your poor decision-making skills

on planets that don't even know you.

Get this through your head.

Astrology is not this magical life guideline

that... that predetermines your future in the stars.

No, none of that.

Your future is depended by your thoughts, opinions, and actions.

You are in complete control of how your future turns out.

It's not up here. It's in here the whole time. It's up to you.

It has nothing to do with the stars, man.

Just because Jupiter has a ring, and you don't, doesn't mean...

...that's who you're supposed to look up to

for all this magical advice, man.

And stop trying to explain it so confidently,

you look stupid every time.

It's so... The girl of your dreams will look you straight in the eyes

and say some dumb shit,

like, "Would you even know how the universe works?"

No, but tell me, Professor.

"There's a planet called Mercury. When it slows its rotation around the sun,

it causes retrograde 98 million miles away

and that's why my life is just in absolute shambles."

"Like it's literally not even up to me."

"Like,

it's in the stars and... ...like, we're literally all stardust."

"You know what I mean?"

Yeah, you're gonna die alone.

'Cause you can't take responsibility for your own actions.

Your life isn't in shambles because of a planet in the sky.

It's because you can't live without a vape in your mouth.

And you only fuck guys who need to borrow your car.

Okay?

Yeah.

That's why your life is in shambles.

You're worried about Mercury while he crashing your Saturn.

How stupid do you feel?

Wrong planet, bitch. Guess again.

Yeah, it's gonna kill me, man.

I feel it's a younger generational thing too, right?

The crystals and astrology and all that.

Which makes sense.

I fuckin' hate young people, dude. I really do. Ah!

Anybody... anybody my age or younger, you don't have anything to offer me, man.

I just... I... You're so rude!

Young people are so disrespectful even when they're not trying to be.

Like, five months ago, I got a tattoo of John Lennon on the back of my arm,

and it's... it's pretty fuckin' obviously John Lennon.

Like, it's... it's a good tattoo. As soon as I post it on Instagram, everybody was,

"He's a Harry Potter fan?"

I was like, fuck these kids, dude.

That is so disrespectful to one of the greatest musicians of all time.

Like, John Lennon got fuckin' Avada Kedavra on his back,

and that's why he's not here. No.

Same glasses, but he's the boy who didn't live.

I know, and if that made you sad, you're my audience.

Good. I like you a lot. Good.

It also breaks my heart. That's good.

God, I hate young people. And there's no middle ground.

I hate young people, and I... ...I fuckin' love

old people.

Oh my God.

It is... it is really an unhealthy obsession.

It is. Oh, bro, I would fuck a grandma in a heartbeat.

I really would do it.

I'd do it.

You can.

I don't know if you've done research.

You can fuck as many as you want, and there's no law against it.

As many as you want. As many as you want.

You just gotta be gentle about it. You can't...

You can't choke 'em. You gotta, like, kink their oxygen.

Know what I mean?

Aah, not today. not today.

You're all right. You're fine.

Walker it off.

Fuck being somebody's first. But somebody's last? That's a flex.

Oh, my goodness.

That's...

That's where I thrive, baby. I'm out here cleanin' it up.

They call me the Trim Reaper, dawg.

I'm just out here snatchin' souls, you know what I mean?

Oh, dude, I do... I love old people so much.

Like, the more an old person is shaped like a candy cane.

Dude. I love a motherfucker who just...

Argh!

He just can't even look up.

Even he doesn't know how much life is ahead of him.

You know what I mean? Just...

That's the weight of a good life lived, fuckin' up his back, man. Ugh...

You old persons gotta have bad posture, man.

That tells you lived your life to the fullest.

If you meet one with good posture, they dodged the draft 100%.

You don't have my respect. Sorry.

Oh, man.

They gotta have bad pos.

The worst an old person's posture, the better the stories.

"How'd you get like that?" Used to be my favorite part about visiting

my great-grandmother at the hospice center she was at

for her remaining years when I was a teenager.

She's where they take care of you for your remaining time,

and my mom would drop us off for like three or four hours,

which is great. I wanna spend time with my grandma,

but my grandma also had dementia,

so, 25 minutes in, I could be like, "I'm gonna get some more water,"

and she'd be, "There's a lot of Blacks." I'm like...

The... There's more for sure, um...

I could excuse myself and go do my own thing.

It's not that I didn't love her or didn't wanna hang out.

People with dementia can't remember, so there's not a lot to talk about.