Rules of Engagement

Hell! Let's go!

Come on!

Why are you yelling at the toaster?

Because it doesn't work.

That stupid little wire's barely even giving bread.

I've had it since college.

That's where I learned if you put it on its side,

you can make grilled cheese.

Honey, you don't even get toast, all you get is warm bread.

This thing is ruining my life!

You're the exact right amount of upset about this.

The blender motor burned out,

the microwave can't fit a pizza.

I mean our stuff sucks.

We need new stuff.

New stuff's expensive.

Unless...

What?

Audrey has been willing to throw us an engagement party.

And you get lots of presents...

We talked about this. I promised my parents

they'd throw us a party when we set a wedding date.

I want this stuff,

but we can't make our friends come to two engagement parties.

That's true.

Unless...

Don't stop, honey. You're on a roll.

We could consider Audrey's party a practice party.

- A practice party? - Yeah.

We'd invite only coworkers and acquaintances.

People we wouldn't invite to the wedding.

- Just to get all the free stuff. - Yeah.

You sexy little scam artist.

You know, that would be wrong.

Very wrong.

It's too bad.

Audrey would love to do it.

Let's tell Audrey the good news.

Episode 207: Engagement Party

Barb's gonna be here any minute.

How do I look?

Like the love child of Siegfried and Roy.

You think playing the friend card

while Barbara's marriage is on the rocks is gonna pay off?

Big time!

She's moving to Divorceville, where I happen to own a motel

on the corner of hot and desperate.

Why has fate created a world in which you and I can end up related?

I wouldn't worry about it, dude. I'm about hitting it and quitting it.

Keep your pants on. She's coming to see Audrey.

Actually, she's coming to see me.

So I believe the pants will be ankle adjacent.

That's my sister-in-law you're talking about.

You hurt her,

I'll have to hurt you.

Understood.

I have it narrowed down to two ways in which I'd do it.

- First... - Don't tell me.

I want to be surprised.

He didn't turn into a prince.

Anyway, Barb, what are you up to tonight?

I am sure Barbara is too jet-lagged to go out with you

Actually, I'm ready to cut loose.

I am single and ready to mingle.

All right! I see my rhyming lessons are paying off.

So glad my world is crumbling.

I'm gonna change.

I'll help you.

I was kidding.

You should've seen the look on your face.

How would you know? You don't look at my face.

I know you might think you know her because of these flirty little emails

you've been exchanging. But she is actually in a very delicate state.

Ready to hit the town and throw some cocktails down.

My star pupil. Excuse me.

You know what would be great at the engagement party? Theme drink.

Like a Jen and tonic.

Or an Adam-tini.

Wait, could we not have "Adam" and "tini" in the same sentence?

You know what would be a cute drink?

Beer.

Come on, Jen.

I know a place where we can rent a margarita machine.

I know a bar named "the margarita machine."

That sounds better.

Hey, so we're throwing you an engagement party. That's exciting.

Yeah, should be.

She's been offering to throw you a party, you've always said no.

Why the sudden change of heart?

We just want to celebrate our love with our best friends.

Best friends?

I saw the guest list.

You invited the rich cat lady down the hall.

She's a good friend.

What's her name?

Mrs...

PussyWhiskers.

What the hell are you trying to pull?

- Nothing. - Don't play dumb with me.

That's a game you can't win.

All right. We're just in it for the presents.

We're registering for a ton of stuff.

I want in.

What?

Let me register for some stuff that I want.

If you're gonna pull a scam in my flat, the house should get a taste.

Gotta kick a little tribute up to Paulie.

Fine, fine. But no big ticket items.

I don't think you're in any position to make demands,

Mr. Tini.

This is so exciting.

My first pretzel as a single woman.

Guessing you're enjoying your first hangover as a single woman too?

Yeah, sorry I crashed so early last night.

I hadn't partied like that in a long time.

- Did I really flash the cab driver? - Oh, yeah!

You saved us 20 bucks.

That's my girl.

Look what I did without even fake yawning first.

Mister, catch.

Good throw. There you go, buddy.

I love kids.

- Anyway, I was thinking may later... - Catch!

All right, that was fun.

Good game.

- Anyway... - Catch!

Kid, it's over, okay? Go deep!

My whole divorce thing with Rick

would've been a lot harder if I didn't have you

to talk to and to make me laugh.

Luckily,

a lot of nice things rhyme with "Rick."

No, seriously, you're great.

You deserve to be happy.

Well and you're great too.

You deserve to be taller.

Really?

That's cute, but guess what?

You're the pretty one. I'm the funny one.

Got it? Okay.

What's this?

Help crossing the street?

Further proof that I'm the funny one.

Come here!

I can't wait to go to the store and pick out presents.

It's gonna be like winning the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right.

For me it's gonna be like stealing stuff from the guy who won.

You scoot over. Scoot over.

Well I just had a very...

interesting day with Barb.

She bought you a smurf skin jacket?

I spent the day with Barb,

just hanging out,

and there was no sex.

- Can you believe it? - Well, she is Audrey's sister.

This is all new to me.

I didn't hit it...

yet I don't want to quit it.

You might be falling in love.

Oh, gross!

You know, he may be right.

Isn't being in love where you're forced to have sex

with the same woman for the rest of your life?

Sometimes not even her.

- You didn't see that hot girl walk by. - What? I didn't?

Holy crap, am I gay?

Would you stop that? These are for registering.

Registering whoop-ass all over the bad guys.

You just registered for a salad shooter.

It was either him or me.

Come on.

Which toaster should we get? The 2 or the 4 slice?

What about the six-slice one?

When would we ever need to make six?

When it's my night to cook dinner.

Four is fine.

What about this bread maker?

We're gonna make our own bread? What are we, amish?

But a pasta maker!

Nice and easy.

Put it back on the shelf.

Why?

No bread maker, no pasta maker.

Come on.

It's ours!

I know what you're asking yourself, punk.

Did I register six times...

or only five?

Say hello to my little friend!

I'm en fuego with this baby.

That's a sweet blender.

We wanted that, you present sponge.

It'll look fishy if we ask for two.

Looks like a duel.

Five paces, turn and shoot. Whoever hits it, gets it.

You're on.

One, two, three...

Mine.

These donut holes are great.

Those are profiteroles, for the engagement party.