What We Do in the Shadows

Guillermo, I want you to go

tomorrow, and I want you to get

some of those things that humans use for smelling.

Rhymes with "hoses."

Noses?

No. It's a green, spiky stick.

You know, with the colors on the top.

You got the red. "I love you.

- Here's some..." - Roses.

Roses, yes.

The Baron's attic has got a bitof a dank whiff.

Since the Baron arrived,

things have been very stressful.

That's our familiar.

He's staying in our attic at the moment, and

that's a lot of storage space that we-we can't use.

When is he going to leave, anyway?

Shh, Nadja!

Guillermo.

Well, pull it, then.

- Oh! - Too loud!

- He needs to pipe down with that. - Yes.

- When will he leave? - Shh.

Nadja, you must keep your voice down, my darling.

Oh, for goodness' sake, I'm not scared of him.

Oh...

The Baron has awakened?

Sorry, was that a yes?

- Was it a nod? - No, I asked and she went,

she went and did this.

That is a nod, I've seen her do it before.

What, this? Like this?

- He's awake. - He's awake.

Oh, he's awake.

All right, I-I can feel

his energy, it's very dark and angry, and I think

it's pointed at you guys.

Hate to be you guys.

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

In Europe, a couple of centuries ago, the Baron was a fun guy.

And we got up to some very messy business together.

- Yes. - Problem is,

he's turned up recently

with what only can be describedas pretty old-fashioned ideas.

He's obsessed with the idea ofvampires taking over all humans,

which, at first, you're like, "Oh, that's a cool idea,"

but then, after a while, it's like,

"Sorry, why are we doing this?"

Yeah.

You can bet your balls he's gonna be furious

we haven't come up with a conquering plan.

Maybe he's not angry.

Maybe he's just wanting a chat?

Get up with the latest vampire gossip.

That's highly unlucky, Nandor.

The man's a fucking psychopath.

I think he's going to kill us all.

That's more likely.

Baron, we are here.

But there's really no needfor any kind of grand entrance.

Or j-just do your bit... That's fine, too.

My slumber is...

complete.

Great. Uh, we weren't sure

that you wanted us to conquer the whole

of North America, or just, you know, maybe a couple streets?

Silence!

I have heard so much of the wonders of this New World,

yet I have seen of it not but this attic.

Uh, would you like us to get you a TV?

No.

I want to see the sights.

I want a night on the town.

A night on the town?

Really? I mean, won't that be a bit difficult

with your, um...?

Oh.

You were saying?

No, but I'm sure we can help you fit in.

Marvelous.

Ah, relax.

This is going to be fun.

No.

Oh, that's the documentary crew.

We are so sorry that...

our houseguest ate your sound recordist.

This... what is this "conquering America" stuff?

He's going to get us killed.

Not unless he tries to kill us himself first.

- He threw me straight across the room. - Most importantly, we are...

that he ate your sound recordist.

That was very...

Yeah. Wasn't very cool. We'll, uh,

we'll make sure we look after you people.

And how are we going to do that?

I don't know, uh...

Of course it's a trap.

Why would the Baron want to go on a night out?

Because he wants to know howmuch of America we've conquered.

And when he finds out thatwe've just conquered our street

and part of Ashley Street, he's going to kill us.

But if we seriously think he's gonna "quack" us...

- Which we do. - Then we should "quack" him first.

You want us to quackhim?

If you think he's gonna "whack" us first, yes.

Laszlo, be quiet. We will not discuss this any further.

It is the greatest violation

of the unnatural order by which we live.

Also, can he even die?

Oh, my...

You happy now? You just scared

the shit out of all three of us?

Hmm? You don't knock anymore?

Is this the new you? Hmm?

Sorry, I just wanted to inform you that the Baron's ready.

- Oh. - God...

He's really terrifying.

Yes, okay, well, we all are, we are vampires.

Well...

Eh.

Get out.

We shall call this night Operation...

Accidentally Kill the Baron.

Absolutely not. At least think of a different name.

This conversation never happened.

She keeps looking at me.

Don't look at her.

Bloody hell, he's wearing two ruffs.

- Let our grand evening on the town commence.

- Yes! Very good. - Yes.

Yes, uh, this is what you're going to wear?

Is it not right?

Y-Yes, I mean, you look the... dog's knackers.

But, um, where we come from, two ruffs

means you're up for anything.

Uh, it's best just to kind ofblend in like... like we are now.

Yes.

Yes, I see.

I want to walk amongst the commoners unnoticed.

- Yes. - A prince amongst paupers.

Yes, very good. Very good. Exactly.

Two ruffs don't make a right.

Colin Robinson.

Oh, wow. Uh... hello.

You wouldn't happen to have any

human-type clothes to lend to the Baron?

Uh, yeah, I-I could scrounge something up.

What size are you?

Mm, this size.

And what kind of vibe are-are you going for?

Jeans, T-shirt? Are you a jeansand T-shirt type of guy?

Probably not shorts.

Um, maybe some cords, some w-wale cords.

He is not coming along, is he?

I will take care of it.

Oh, okay. But don't make a big thing out of it.

- Mm? - Okay.

Vampires have hidden amongst humans

for millennia.

There are some in the community that believe

that vampires should rule the world.

One such person

is the Baron.

And he's become a massive prick.

Absolutely agree.

Which is ironic, because he doesn't have one.

Where is he?

He was right behind us.

Ah.

He's going to frighten the townspeople.

Oh.

- Um... - Holy shit.

A lot of these buildings are, uh, are taverns,

- or bars as they call them. - Don't mind him.

- Did you see that? - Why are these pedestrians

making rictus faces at us?

Oh, my God.

Devils suck, man.

We are vampires!

Shh! What are you doing?

He is literally going around,

telling everyone, "Nice to meetyou, I am vampire."

And, you know, there's only so many times

you can say that he's joking, because look at his face.

Yo, Laz. Nadja. Whoa...

I was just, uh, stocking upon some brews for the big game.

Who is this guy?

No, no, no. This is our neighbor Sean, sire.

He brings our trash cans in

when we forget them.

What the fuck? How did he...?

- Shut up. - You won't remember anything

from the last five minutes.

Yo, Laz, Nadja.

I was just going to stock up on some more brews.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no...

We will fill this place

with the carcasses of the conquered.

Some humans will become slaves.

The rest, food.