George Carlin: What Am I Doing in New Jersey?

Hey I got to go to Jersey.

Is there any way you can get out of it?

No I don't think so.

I think it has something to do with original sin.

Okay get in.

Sorry to do this to you.

Why are you going to go to New Jersey?

I got to do a show.

What kind of show?

I'm a comedian.

42nd Street man.

You know why they call it 42nd Street?

Why?

Cause that's about all the amount of time

you'll want to spend on it. 40 seconds.

But I kind of like the signs.

Yeah they look great.

I saw a sign here last week

I'd never seen before.

"On stage tonight,

continuous live adult, nude, all male fucking."

Huh?

You know every time I go through this well-used tunnel

I think of my ex-wife.

What do you mean 3 dollars for a round trip?

Nah, she's from Jersey.

Those people know about sex.

They came up with those names, Middlesex County,

Essex County,

Sussex County,

Point Pleasant,

Long Branch,

Cherry Hill,

Succasunna,

Fort Dix.

Jersey's not so bad.

A lot of yuppies live out here.

Yeah?

Maybe if we're lucky most of them will die.

Hey man, it's getting late.

I hate to tell you this but I think we're lost.

Lost in New Jersey.

Let's get out of here, man.

Hey, here's a place.

Pull in over here.

I'll go in and ask directions.

While you're in there ask them about

what you think of man's role in the universe.

Why?

I'm a cab driver, I just want to know.

Excuse me, I got to do a show near by

and I need directions, can you help me?

Hey, you're George Carlin.

Yeah.

We're just getting ready to watch you on TV.

Oh great, but look can any of you guys tell me

how to get to the Park Theater?

Just one more thing.

What do you think about man's role in the universe?

Okay.

What'd they say?

They said keep going straight

until you come to a turn.

No what'd they say

about man's role in the universe?

Oh they said they needed more time to think about it.

Okay here. Thanks a lot, man.

Appreciate it.

Hey you want to come in and see the show?

No I think I'll go back and watch it at Manny's.

Okay.

Just don't ask them anything too deep.

Hello Union City, New Jersey.

Hi, everybody.

Thank you.

I'm Lloyd Lindsey Young.

I want to tell you right now we got a wild night.

Heavy thunderstorms.

Heavy.

Heavy.

49 degrees in the breeze

and we're gonna have a lot of fun.

Without any further ado

it gives me a great deal of pleasure

to introduce a gentleman who needs no introduction.

All right.

Hey, there.

Is it going all right?

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

Hello.

Hiya.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hiya.

All right thank you.

I appreciate that.

I'd like to begin tonight

by thanking you for being here

and thanking everybody at Manny's

for helping us find our way down here.

And I'd like to start.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Like to start with a list of people

I can do without.

I think everybody has a list like this.

This is my list of people I can do without.

Guys in... guys in there fifties named Skip.

Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly

with an Exxon credit card.

An airline pilot

who's wearing two different shoes.

A proctologist with poor depth perception.

A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla.

A gynecologist who wants my wife

to have 3 or 4 drinks before the examination.

Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats.

Anyone who mentions Jesus

more than 300 times in a 2-minute conversation.

A dentist with blood in his hair.

Any woman whose hobby

is breastfeeding zoo animals.

A funeral director who says,

"Hope to see you folks again real soon."

Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast.

A man with only one lip.

A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop.

People who actually know

the second verse to the Star Spangled Banner.

Any lawyer who refers to the police

as the federalez.

A cross-eyed nun

with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin.

A brain surgeon with

"Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands.

Guys who have their names

printed on their belts.

Couples whose children's names

all start with the same initial.

A man in a hospital gown directing traffic.

A waitress with a visible infection

on her serving hand.

People who have large gums and small teeth.

Guys who wear the same underwear

until it begins to cut off

the circulation to their feet.

And any man whose arm hair

completely covers his wristwatch.

Okay that's enough of that.

That's enough of that.

Thank you.

All right.

Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

This a lively group we have here

and a good sized audience too.

I want to mention that this is probably... I have...

I really haven't seen this many people in one place

since they took the group photographs

of all the criminals and lawbreakers

in the Ronald Reagan administration.

Yeah.

Yeah.

225 of them so far.

225 different people

in the Ronald Reagan administration

have either quit, been fired, been arrested,

indicted or convicted of either breaking the law

or violating the ethics code.

225 of them

and Edwin Meese alone...

Edwin Meese alone has been investigated

by 3 separate special prosecutors

and there's a fourth one waiting for him

in Washington right now.

3 separate special prosecutors have had to

look into the activities of the attorney general.

And the attorney general

is the nation's leading law enforcement officer.

See that's what you got to remember

this is the Ronald Reagan administration

were talking about.

These are the law and order people.

These are the people who are against street crime.

They want to put street criminals in jail

to make life safer for the business criminals.

There against street crime

...yeah...

there against street crime

providing that street isn't Wall Street.

And the Supreme Court decided about a year ago

that it's all right to put people in jail now

if we just think they're going to commit a crime.

It's called preventive detention.

All you got to do now is

just think they're going to commit a crime.

Well if we'd of known this shit 7 or 8 years ago

we could have put a bunch of these

republican motherfuckers directly into prison.