Veep

Take the apple, Mrs. Sherman!

- Reach out and take it. Take the apple. - Mr. Ryan.

Mr. Ryan, would you please step back to your podium?

She wouldn't take the apple.

Which one of you Johnny Appledick shit for brains came up with that bit?

Hi, ma'am, I just arrived here in Winter Blunderland.

He looked like Ike Turner handing Tina a snack.

I think we've identified the key problem,

which is that Jonah does not interact well with humans.

No, I don't interact well with hag-ass old bitches.

Do you realize that you just handed O'Brien New Hampshire

chained to a radiator with its twat shaved?

- I'm hanging up! - I'm sorry, Mom.

You know what? On the positive side,

now I can just try and concentrate on our little family weekend.

- Just us Meyers. - Well, then why is Gary here?

- I mean, no offense. - Gary's family, too.

Oh, thank you.

I'm just really excited to have this time

for you and Dad and Monny to get to know the real Marjorie.

I mean, fun Marjorie, not just Marjorie the Secret Service agent.

Oh, I'm excited to get to know fun Marjorie, too.

When is she arriving?

I'm just kidding. I'm just teasing.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! The president is driving.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Look out.

Bump. How about that?

- Look! - Dad! Monny!

Kitty Cat!

All right, so the Chinese are gonna be here any minute.

- Yeah. - Beijing has demanded complete secrecy.

So you're gonna have to keep Charles Ponzi and pussyride away from me.

We Meyers are very resourceful.

You do know you're not really a member of my family, right?

- I do. - Right.

What is that insanity

you're putting all over the tree, Monica?

Oh, this is my homemade cranberry and popcorn tinsel

- that I like to call... - Popcornaments!

Someone's been reading my blog.

I just trademarked the word last week.

It sounds delicious and it's adorable.

So I'm gonna call it delorable.

See? We can all do it.

- Hey, Mom. - Yes?

I just wanted to let you know that Marjorie

is a raw food vegan and she's turned me into one.

Oh, so that's two things she's turned you into.

Yeah, we just thought maybe we could have, like, a sham ham for Christmas.

What is that, sweetie? Is that like tofurkey?

No, ma'am, tofurkey is cooked.

This is a raw log made of mushrooms and soaked walnuts.

But it tastes like a ham?

- Yeah, it's close. - Not at all.

We could all cut back on our meat consum...

I'm terribly sorry, Marjorie.

- I thought you were Selina. - That's okay, sir.

People make that mistake constantly.

How about you touch neither of us?

Okay, I'm gonna go check on that funky food order and...

Mom, I wanted to ask you about something, but I can just talk to Dad about it.

He's better with money stuff.

What money stuff?

Well, it's just that there's so much of it

that it's really tough to know what to do with it.

Uncle George was saying that maybe I should sell the Palm Beach house

so that I could pay off the estate taxes.

Palm Beach house, honey? That was my daddy's favorite house.

Actually, Lee, right now is a fantastic time to sell.

And, Catherine, do you remember that Brazil hotel chain?

- What? - I told them about your veganism

and they decided to convert the whole thing to an eco resort.

- No, they didn't. - I have a prospectus in my briefcase.

I'll tell you what. I think we should not talk about money

during our sort of pre-Christmas Christmas celebration.

Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside

and get some wood to start a fire?

Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.

Okay, well, that's terrifying,

but I actually do think we need to get some wood from outside.

- Yes, ma'am. - Thanks. Gary, we got to go.

Okay, are the Chinese here yet?

Delayed on the road, ma'am.

Presumably driving slowly and not using their signals.

Hey, any updates on Debralee's sonogram?

Nothing. I'm going crazy.

What do you got going there, Depravey Crockett?

You can't go in with a plan. The knife tells you.

Okay, so lay it on me, Ben.

It's all been prenegotiated, ma'am.

In exchange for you lifting the sanctions,

China's agreed to build an electronics plant in Ohio

and an engine assembly plant in North Carolina.

Okay, so we got North Carolina, Ohio.

That's the presidency for me.

And as per usual, we raised the issue

of the Dalai Lama and the Panchen Lama returning to Tibet.

- Dalai Lama, I'm so sick of him. - He's insufferable.

Do we have a press release ready to go, Mike?

All I got to do is press send and we...

actually, I do need to spell-check this thing.

Ma'am, Minna Häkkinen is through security and headed this way.

How is it that that Asperger salad inserted herself into this situation?

President Lu trusts her. Likes what she did with the IMF.

No, I'll tell you what he likes. Nordic beav.

Irresistible. Ooh!

- Shh. - What?

- Oh, Minna! - Selina.

- Hello. - Hello. I have not seen you

since you failed to vote for me to be head of the IMF.

And, oh, you changed your hair.

Thank you, yes. I have more highlights.

And you changed your eyelids. You had oculoplasty.

- Um... - You look more alert.

Yeah...

Well, the latest poll numbers are in

and you've fallen 20 points behind the Widow Sherman.

We have to keep you away from people.

Yeah, surround you with some trees. Make you look human-sized.

Yeah, back to the natural habitat your nitwit mother

found you in, you fucking shaved Sasquatch.

But the good news is that you're only three points behind Jon H Ryan, whoever that is.

Hey, Slick. What's Blondie's situation?

Does she choke for Coke?

You should ask her.

Yeah.

It's been a very hard year.

The menopause has really taken a hold of me.

- Is that so? Yeah. - Yes. You know... you're menopausal.

- What? - You're menopausal as well.

- No, I'm not. - Well...

- No? - What?

No, you are.

No, you're older than me, so I...

No, I am actually two years younger.

Oh, I still have regular periods,

but my joints, they're very swollen.

You know, I wonder if we can just get back to the Chinese.

The Chinese may try to change the terms of the done deal.

- Really? - Yes.

- But if they do this... - Yeah?

...you are simply ready to perform the walkout

to convince the Chinese that you will not negotiate

if the terms of the deal are not satisfactory.

- Okay. - You say the terms are unacceptable

and you take both your palms and you place them

firmly on the table like that.

- Oh, God. - Then you walk out.

And then someone must say this is unprecedented.

- She never does this. - Ben can do that.

- Who, me? - It is much harder than it sounds.

- Perhaps we should rehearse? - Absolutely.

So this is unacceptable.

And then, uh, I walk out.

No, that is not credible. You try again.

- This is unacceptable. - Mm-hmm.

No, you see, that's the same, but it's just louder.

She never does this.

Oh, no, that is good. Now, that is convincing.

- Hey, girlies. - Mom.

- Yes, honey? - I want you to open your gift.

Since technically it's early Christmas Eve, I got you something.

What have we got here?

Oh.

It was used in 1907 at the Second Hague Convention.

And I figured you could use it to sign important peace treaties

when you're officially elected.

It's actually lovely, Catherine.

Amex gave me this crazy new card that's made out of black metal.

It truly shows the special

mommy-daughter bond that you and I share.

- So good. - I have an idea.

Marjorie, why don't you open my gift?

Oh, you got Marjorie a gift.

Marjorie's part of the family now, aren't you, pal?

Yeah, I got Marjorie a gift, too. Um, right, Gary?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- It's beautiful. - Stuck in security.

Stuck in security. I don't know how that happened.

- I got the tracking number. - Okay. Let's see what you got.

Ah, it's an old book.

- Do you like it? - I am overcome with emotion.

Oh, my God.

It's a first edition Gertrude Stein.

That's Marjorie's favorite poet.

How did you know that, Dad?

I listen.

I'm going to put this someplace special.

- Hey. - Hi.

I noticed two golf carts filled with Asian people.

- Yeah, we should go. - That's the kitchen crew and the chef.

- They wear really nice suits. - Yeah.

Okay, I want to go find Marjorie's gift.

Me, too.

So, I will make the introductions.

Yeah.

- You're wearing that? - What?

Yeah. Oh.

This is President Lu Chi-Jang...

Secretary General of the Communist Party...