Dick Night

What the fuck?

Fuck!

Get the fuck off me!

Oh no!

No

Get, get off me!

Help me!

- Remember to put the plastic bag on her cast.

Mom?

Hi, honey.

Mom, this isn't funny.

This is an intervention, honey.

It's not supposed to be fun.

Jesus Christ, I'm not a heroin addict!

Fuck!

You're a real slob.

Look at how you are living.

I mean, I just can't even believe this.

Honey, we gave you

this beautiful model home.

Everything was perfect.

Look at this place.

Oh my god, it's unbelievable.

What do you do out here with no TV or internet or anything?

I eat pizza.

- I thought that you weren't even leaving the house.

It's delivery.

Your phone doesn't work.

I just take a hike up pizza mountain.

Huh?

- Pizza mountain, it's the only place

my phone works.

Are you going out there at night?

I don't want you going out there alone.

Those skater kids were messing around in the desert

and when I came in,

they were probably doing meth or something,

I don't know, probably cooking it.

If you had a TV, you'd know

exactly what I was talking about.

Kids are cooking it all over the place, they are.

And there's that

weird trailer out there.

I hate skaters.

I called the phone company and they are coming out

on Monday to set up a landline.

You said you were gonna unpack

a little bit the other week.

Yeah, I lied.

It's been two months.

If you're not gonna take responsibility

to send these back, they I'm gonna do it for you

and I know you're not gonna like that.

At least you're getting

your mail.

She is a bad influence, I know.

Well, she's not totally off you know.

You need to get back out there

and realize that you're still a very attractive girl,

one many men will find attractive

and will want to do stuff with.

To, to marry.

Oh geez, I gotta get these guys back.

- Your mom really threw you into the pool?

That's impressive.

- Don't you have papers to grade or something?

- Yeah, but I'm also your ride to the hospital.

Oh, my chauffeur.

Nice.

- I'm also supposed to look around and report back

on any hard drug usage.

Hello.

I've always liked your friend Louise.

She's got her head on straight.

- You mean you always wished you could fondle her big tits.

Mm.

Sucked her big tits.

She's right. It's just common knowledge, the rebound thing.

It's like heartbreak 101 kinda stuff (sighs).

It's like your hymen is sealed up

and it needs to be broken again.

The heartbreak hymen.

You know, just because your wife

has refused to sleep with you for like eight months

doesn't mean that you get to live out

your sexual fantasies through me.

All right, first off,

I can't live my sexual fantasies out through you

because I don't have a vagina.

Secondly, I...

I don't know what secondly was.

- Okay, so can you just get the hell out of here

so I can go back to being depressed and stuff?

- No, I'm not gonna have you mope around like this.

I know you don't wanna hear this

but when you're ready to get back out there,

you're gonna find the right guy

who actually cares about you.

I mean, that asshole wasn't the right one.

And the sooner you go about looking for the right one,

the sooner you're gonna get over him.

You're really great, you know.

Well, I've known you since like second grade, all right,

so I should know.

Oh, moving back to this shitty hometown of ours

won't be so bad, you'll see.

Oh, how nostalgic.

Now get the fuck out of here already.

- All right, fine, but you gotta promise

to do something for me, okay?

I will go to the hospital.

I can't wait to get this thing off.

It fucking itches.

- Yeah, yeah, I know, you can drive yourself.

But I'm not getting in worse with your mom

than I already am so you better swing by

and show me that castless arm

or else I'm gonna come back out here.

And that's not what I was talking about anyways,

the rebound thing.

The rebound thing?

You've got options.

You just gotta think 'em out.

(chuckles) All right, I'll think on it.

Just watch out for those crazy meth skaters.

What the fuck.

Methheads.

Nice car, bitch.

Carpet muncher.

Fuck you!

- Skank - Fucking bitch.

- Fuck you. - Whore! Suck my jones!

Fucking punks.

We know where you live.

Well, I mean, we had to take out

one of those highfalutin loans to get it in the first place

and then everything went down

and it put us in something of an embarrassing situation

because we've got most of our money tied up

in that vacation home and-

And you can't cover the mortgage.

Right.

So a roommate.

Disco.

It won't be so bad for your mental state

to have another person around anyway.

So can it come off?

I don't know.

Still a little tender.

Come on, Dad.

I'm not sure if you're fully healed yet.

The worst thing that could happen is we take it off

and you go back out there and crack it in two again.

- So you have to see him a lot here at work?

More than I'd like to

but it's a big hospital.

I've been able to schedule him mostly night shifts.

Everybody hates those (laughing).

He's not on till later.

Mom told you that, right?

You don't have to worry about running into him

or anything like that.

She told me.

- Not that it has to happen today or even tomorrow,

but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you did run into him.

You haven't even spoken to each other.

Maybe it might bring you some closure.

- And maybe it would make me feel like shit.

Probably that too.

So?

So here's what we've got.

I'll take the cast off.

Good.

But you gotta do something for me.