The Santa Clauses

Woo-hoo!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Look, I know it sucks to be working on Christmas Eve.

But, listen, if our delivery system was working, we wouldn't have to.

So, who can tell me what our Christmas market share is?

- Six percent. - Oof.

What's that 17% that says "other"?

We don't know.

Woo-hoo!

Come on! Full throttle, boys. Come on, Comet. Get after it.

Let's go. We gotta be a blur. Hyah!

I need help with the tree! Santa's gonna be here soon.

Santa. Isn't that cute?

All right, everybody. Go be with your families.

I have no...

Now, we are gonna have a look-see at what you've done, but then bed.

Marauders.

Come on, honey.

Come on. Come on.

Some kids at school think Santa's over.

They say he still uses paper mail and only delivers once a year.

Well, honey, the older kids are always gonna say Santa's not real.

I didn't say he's not real. I said he was over.

Wait, is he not real?

Oh, God. Your mother was so much better at this stuff.

I think it's safe to go back out.

Whoa.

Grace, you did this all by yourself?

How'd you get the bow on top of the tree?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ooh! How about we buzz the Statue of Liberty, Santa?

Great idea, Noel. But first, cruller me!

Hyah!

Mmm!

Yes!

Delightful!

Yeah, that's good!

Boss is in a playful mood.

It's gonna be one of those nights. I bet you he doesn't finish on time.

I'll take that bet, Crouton.

No shenanigans in the control center.

Sorry, boss, but elves gotta elf.

Yeah, they do!

Very well. Status report, Crouton.

Santa's way slower than usual, but somehow they're ahead of schedule.

How is that possible?

Wait, is this the whole list?

This can't be the whole list. This is getting shorter every year.

What's going on?

Hold on.

What are we doing here? This house isn't on the list.

That's gotta be some sort of mistake.

This is always one of my favorite stops.

I think the milk's a little sour.

It's soy milk.

You said you were lactose intolerant.

I did say that, didn't I?

Thanks for remembering. Go to sleep.

Merry Christmas, Sara.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

You know what?

I'm gonna find out why this house isn't on the list.

So, we're just doing home invasions now?

Come on. It's all good. Listen, it's better than good.

It's santastic.

Never gets old.

This actually tickles a little bit.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You scared me.

Calm down. No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

No, no, no. I'm here to see Sara, your daughter.

- She'll vouch for me. - I'm Sara!

Oh, oh. Stop. Stop. What am I thinking?

A blink of an eye and, what, 28 years go by.

At least I look the same.

Who are you?

I'm Santa Claus.

Lactose intolerant. You gave me soy milk.

- Listen to me, you wacko, okay? - Oh.

Santa's not real, and I have run out of things to throw,

so I'm gonna ask you really, really nicely to please leave.

I understand. Adults lose their belief in magic.

It just grows out of them.

But how do you not remember me?

I don't remember much, man.

I'm an adult woman living with my parents.

I mean, my life is one endless, blurry, long day broken up by Judge Judys.

Wow. Of all the kids in the world,

I would never imagine that you'd stop believing.

- Okay... - Hmm.

...let's pretend you are Santa.

I mean, why are you even here?

I get all my presents online,

and to tell you the truth, I forgot tonight was Christmas Eve.

Well, that's too bad 'cause then you're probably not gonna want this.

Oh, my God. I haven't thought of Polly since I was a little girl.

Yeah.

My mom got rid of her 'cause I threw her a pool party in the toilet.

It was a Polly Pocket potty party.

Oh, my God. It is you.

Merry Christmas, Sara.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

I'll... I'll let you do your thing.

Thank you.

The heck is happening? Come on.

Noel. Noel. Need a little help. Noel!

Kind of jiggle the lock to get it open.

Santa?

Best friend? You there?

Santa? Hello?

All right.

Noel, take a breath. Breathe. Breathe!

All right, look. We gotta go.

Milk and cookies.

Are you okay?

Who said that?

Hey, Mom.

Cal, what did we say about playing these games?

You get all carried away

and can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

Yes, I'm real!

Okay, okay, okay.

But is that real?

Lewis, I made popcorn.

- Oh. Hey, Mom. - Oh, hey.

Lewis and I were watching a movie about Santa.

We can't believe how much they get wrong.

I'm sure.

You kids should really be in bed.

You know, your dad loves to see you when he gets back from his rounds.

But the best part of Christmas is over by then.

I know, and he wishes he could be here.

But he has to be there...

For all the children of the world.

Right.

Okay, bed. Both of you.

I'm sorry, Lewis.

I guess we'll have to finish movie night another time.

Wow, 28 years.

Twenty-eight years, wow. Twenty-eight...

Why do you keep mumbling, "28 years"?

Twenty-eight years, that's how long I've been doing this, you know?

Where does the time go?

I believe it flies, doesn't it?

And all those kids turned into adults, you know? They stopped believing...

Oh, holy night! The magic reserves are running low.

No, they're not. The gauge is old. It doesn't even work.

It's made out of candy or something. Couldn't get better than tonight!

- This is a good night. We are cruising. - Why are you talking weird like that?

It's not weird when I talk like this. It's only weird when I talk like this.

Wait just a taffy-licking minute.

How did you get back on the roof of that house

when I was looking down the chimney the whole time?

Come on, Noel. A good Santa never gives up his secrets.

Blitzen, get back here.

Okay. All right. Calm down.

Why... Why do you smell like taffy?

Why do you smell like despair?

Is that an odor? Despair?

What is going on?

Uh...

Listen.

Okay, you can't tell anybody,

but my magic may have failed me tonight. It's no big deal.

- We're 10,000 feet in the air... - Almost eleven-five.

...being pulled by flying livestock...

They hate being called livestock.

...that depend on magic.

- That's, in fact, true. - No big deal?

Whoa! Boys, come on! Pull it up!

Crouton, we have a problem!

Come on, guys!

Whoa!

Boys, come on! Pull it up!

Guys!

What did you do? This has your fingerprints all over it.

Wrong.

My fingers are covered with chocolate. You did something wrong.

I have never done anything wrong, ever. My record is flawless.

Technically, less flaw can still mean some flaw!

Noel? Santa?

Santa, Santa, do you copy?

You better let the missus know.

Sandra, this, uh... ...furry friends thing.

It's, um, getting out of hand.

Well, what choice do I have?

There's no kids my age around here,

and sometimes I just need someone to talk to.

But they don't talk back. Do they?

No, Mom. They're... They're animals.

I'm not crazy. I'm just lonely sometimes.

I know it isn't easy living in the North Pole.

Yeah. But I'm doing fine.

I mean, you should be the one that's complaining.

Why? I'm fine. I'm... I'm... I'm happy.

Of course you are because being cheery is your whole deal.

My whole deal?

I mean, you ever look up past Mrs. Clauses?

It's an old lady who knits and bakes.

I mean, she doesn't even have a first name.