Tooth Fairy

There's a battle on the boards...

...with both teams really digging for the puck.

Now it squirts loose, and the Ice Wolves have it.

And the puck is cleared out of their zone.

And here they come!

Oh! What a hit!

Come on, boys, use the body!

Take him wide, take him wide! Rapton's flying up the ice.

Take him to the outside! Here we go.

He shoots! Nice save by Drah.

Oh! What a hit! Oh!

What action, eh, Hank?

The Ice Wolves are just getting hammered. Oh, no.

Tooth, Tooth, Tooth!

Ha-ha. There's a familiar chant, Jim.

Thompson. And the coach is calling for...

...the big defenseman, Derek Thompson.

And here comes the Tooth Fairy.

Find a dark jersey and hit it!

Tooth, Tooth, Tooth!

Ohh! Ohh! That is an incisor!

I got the tooth. I got the tooth, baby! Yeah!

And the Tooth Fairy, Derek Thompson, has struck again.

You can't handle the tooth. And that's the tooth...

...the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

I pledge allegiance to the tooth.

Open the door for the Tooth Fairy.

Penalty on number 14, Derek Thompson.

Five-minute major for boarding. Yeah!

Who's the Tooth Fairy? Am I the Tooth...? I'm the Tooth Fairy!

Stop it. Stop it.

Yeah, no, I'm not scared, you know. I play hockey.

We'll go out, have a good time, see what we make of it.

What's going on out here? Come here.

I want you to meet the future of our franchise.

Ah, new kid. Yeah.

He's not gonna be here long...

...till he gets snapped up by the Kings.

But listen, while he is here...

...your job on the ice is to take care of him.

Okay. All right. Nothing else matters, right?

Mick? Yeah.

Derek, Mick Donnelly, our first-line center. Mick, Derek.

He's your bodyguard.

What's up? Welcome to pro hockey.

Yeah, is there an old-timers' game today?

I didn't realize you were even still playing, man.

I used to be a big fan.

All right. See you later, man.

So I guess that's my bodyguard.

Crazy. He's a big one.

Yeah, he's a big guy.

Hello, Mr. Thompson! Mr. Thompson.

Tooth Fairy!

Can I have your autograph?

Yeah, sure. Absolutely. What's your name, buddy?

Gabe. I'm the third-leading scorer in my hockey league.

Our team won the Mighty Mite's Championship.

Wow, that's fantastic. Good for you, Gabe.

One day, I'm gonna play hockey in the big leagues just like you used to.

You work pretty hard at hockey, do you? Uh-huh. I play almost every day.

And I drive him almost every day. Ah. Uh-huh.

How old are you? I'm 8.

Ah, you're 8. You're 8. Okay, well, here's the deal, Gabe.

So you're 8 and you're the third-leading scorer in your league...

...behind two other 8-year-olds.

Well, one's 9.

Mm-hm. Okay. Well, see, Gabe...

...somewhere in this country, there's a 7-year-old

playing against 12-year-olds, and he's outscoring them.

He's killing them, making them wanna get run over by a Zamboni and die.

There are a bunch like that kid in every rink.

When the time's right...

...those kids will battle it out and only a handful of them will get signed.

Now let's say you do make the NHL.

You won't...

...but let's say you do. You hit the show right out of college.

But the show hits you right back. Before you can say "slap shot"...

...you're down to the minors with a blown-out shoulder and nowhere to go.

Listen, lower your expectations.

That's how you're gonna be happy.

Tck. There you go, Gabe.

I want to suck your blood.

What? What are you looking at?

And laughing at? Why aren't you afraid?

Because those are french fries. No.

I can't eat French fries.

French fries are fatal to vampires.

Hey, I have an idea.

Can't talk. Still dead.

Mommy, my tooth came out. Hey. Yay!

Oh, congrats.

The tooth fairy's gonna visit me tonight. You bet. Let's see.

Oh, you are such a big girl.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm the Tooth Fairy.

I thought you said you were a vampire.

You got some inconsistent mythology.

I have a lot of homework. Can I be excused?

Yeah.

Mommy, it's time for you to go now so Derek can start babysitting.

Not just yet. Wanna go put your jammies on?

I wonder if it would help...

...if Randy and you had some one-on-one time.

Sure, I could do that. So long as I don't have to be alone with him.

Well, Rene's here. Oh, a little ketchup.

Ooh.

Hmm. Uh-oh.

Oh, tooth fairy. You know what? I got it.

Look, I put on my pajamas.

Dracula's back from the dead.

Aah!

And your french fries are not powerful enough.

What do you guys think of Donnelly? Man, that kid is fast.

You mean the next Gretzky. I love him already, like a long-Iost brother.

Can we just play? It's to you.

Uh, I'm a little short. He's a little short.

But this autograph that says "The Tooth Fairy"

is worth 10 bucks on eBay. Ten of these is 100 bucks, so I'm in.

No, you gotta pay. It's not a socialist game, Castro.

Hey, it's me. I'm good for it.

I'll be right back.

He took his cards. Is this guy serious?

Just fold so we can play. Who takes the cards?

Derek, don't the kids have, like, a piggy bank or something?

I'm home! Hello, gorgeous.

Hey. Hi, guys.

Uh, hey, Vinnie's? Some brews? Let's do it, boys. Come on.

All we have is juice box here.

Know what, I'm a little tired. I'm gonna hang out, but I'll walk you guys out.

Mommy! Mommy!

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

What happened, honey? My tooth is gone.

Well, that's because the tooth fairy took it.

But there's no money. I looked.

Oh. Let's look together. I'm sure it's here somewhere.

Ha, ha! The vampire has returned.

Not a vampire moment.

It's not anywhere. Well, uh...

...I bet they took it to weigh it...

...on the toothometer to see what it's worth...

...before they bring the money. Right?

Sure. That's how the whole tooth thing works.

No. That's not how it works.

You put the tooth under your pillow, the tooth fairy flies into your room...

...when you're sleeping, takes the tooth...

...and leaves a dollar. Where is it?

Okay. You tell me when to stop when the tooth fairy has been here.

Because I have 5, 10. I even got a 20. Derek.

Stop.

Okay, Tess, you're a big girl now.

You're 6. Let's get this out of the way.

There's no such thing as a too... Sha-bang! Oh!

Here it is. How did it get down there?

Oh, you must have rolled over in your sleep and it fell on the floor.

I forgot. People forget.

So your big idea to handle it was to tell Tess there is no tooth fairy?

Come on. The reason why there are so many unhappy people in the world:

They're clinging to some version of what if.

Okay, so dreams are bad?

If they lead to unrealistic expectations, then yes.

This is ridiculous. I know.

I'm going to bed. No. Carly.

And you...

...are leaving. Are...?

Don't get all dramatic. I'm her mother.

I get to say when her childhood fantasies end, not you.

What?

"Disbelief in fairy. Summons."

What? What?

Pbbt!

Yes.

Thompson? Derek Thompson?

Yes. Yes, God. It's me. Is that you, God?

You're Thompson?

You're God?

No, I'm Tracy. I'm your caseworker. What is this?

How disappointing.

Come with me, please.

No, thank you. Thank you. Fairy Krishnas.

What are you wearing?

l... I don't know what I'm wearing. What are you wearing?

Who is this guy? Dream killer. I don't like your sort.

What'd I do? Why am I here?

Where am I? No one likes your kind here.

No one likes your attitude.

The way you show up acting strange. "Why am I here?

What are these giant wings?" Hey, hey! Do we have a problem?

Yeah, we have a problem. You just said, "Do we have a problem"...

...which has given us a problem. Right.

Tracy, right? Yeah.

Ah, what a pretty girl's name you have.

Heh-heh. Don't laugh at that.

That's strike two. You don't wanna get to strike three.

Oh, yeah? What happens after strike three? Strike four.

Yeah.

We'll get your uniform sorted out and then we can get you registered...

and begin your training. Training for what?

Ooh, "Training for what?"

You, Mr. Thompson, are gonna spend some time...

...as a tooth fairy.