My Girl 2

I remember before I was born,

wadded like a furball in the highly overrated fetal position.

Luckily, I'm not claustrophobic,

but on rainy days I still feel a tightness in my left shoulder.

Now my stepmother's pregnant,

I understand what the baby's going through, and I'm not jealous at all.

- Really, not at all. - You're not eating your meat loaf.

- If I eat it, I'll throw up. - You should at least try a little bit.

Then I'll throw up a little bit.

Are you sure you wanna get involved in this?

By the evening

Sunshine through them

Fiery gems for you

Only for you

SULTENFUSS PARLOR

Our house Is a very, very, very fine house

With two cats in the yard

Life used to be so hard

Now everything is easy 'Cause of you

Scrunch these chairs together a little more.

Dad, I'm trying. They're chairs, they don't scrunch.

I'll get it.

I guess we'll set chairs in the library

and pipe the sermon in, like with Hazelmeyer.

Fix that speaker, makes the minister sound like an astronaut.

- Hello, Judy. - Hi, Arthur.

- Hi, Judy. Come on in. - Hi, Mr. Sultenfuss.

- Look who I found. - Hi, Judy.

Hi.

- Come on in. - That's okay.

It's just a corpse.

I know that.

You should be here when they bring in a body that's been dead for days.

And they haven't found it yet because it was in an apartment

and no one came to visit.

Or floating in a river.

And then the body starts turning this weird shade of green.

You know, like watery pea soup? The arms and legs deteriorate first.

The body looks like a raisin with four fat legs.

Anyway...

This is why I'm seriously considering cremation.

Judy?

Judy.

I think you lost her on the "raisin with the four fat legs," honey.

Did you hear that, Dean? You can stay.

- Dean? - Yeah.

Dean Martin. Look at his eyes.

- They're pink. - Exactly. Dean Martin.

The cage is all set. Where's the bathroom?

Are you kidding? Hamsters don't go to the bathroom.

Now, did you look in the bag?

This exercise will work someday.

I got a card from Uncle Phil in Los Angeles.

Said he went body surfing.

I don't know if I can picture Uncle Phil body surfing.

- I don't know if I want to. - I wanna ask a favor.

Remember, you can absolutely say no if you want to.

I'm just bringing it up for discussion.

Harry, I thought we decided we weren't gonna do this.

Do what?

The thing is, your room is next door to ours.

So we thought... If you're willing, we might move you to Gramoo's room,

we could use your room for the nursery. We're gonna be with a newborn.

- There'd be noise- - You want me to move?

Well, not far, just down the hall. Plus, Gramoo's room's a lot bigger.

You get a view of the neighborhood.

Okay. No problem.

Okay, thanks. Attagirl.

Harry?

Harry.

Harry!

I'm sorry to interrupt, honey, but Vada's upset.

She's fine. She'll love her new room.

Look, we react to every kick this baby gives.

Maybe Vada's trying to tell us something too.

The thing to remember is, you must visualize a spare.

Parabola of the arcing ball must intersect with the pyramid of the pins

at precisely this angle of attack.

Shit.

"Visualize a spare"?

Well, you know what I mean.

So, what's on your mind?

Me? What makes you think there's something on my mind?

You're passing up Archie Bunker to go bowling.

- You've gotta have an angle. - No.

I just thought it'd be nice if the two of us had an evening out so we could talk.

- Shelly's already told me all about sex. - She told me too.

I mean, she told me she told you about sex.

I personally knew about sex long before I met Shelly.

I figured you did.

Yes.

Strike. Not bad at all.

No, this isn't about sex. It's... Well, there have been a lot of changes.

I know you're upset losing your room, but the baby's gotta go somewhere.

No, it's okay. I understand, really.

Honey, that's very mature.

I'm proud of you, Vada.

Maybe I should just move to China.

One kid per family, you don't lose your room.

Why don't you keep your room and we'll put the baby in the backyard?

Don't do that. You've got the whole garage.

Yeah, between the power mower and weed killer.

Dad, I'm kidding.

You can have the room.

- Seriously? - Seriously.

Great.

I'm 13.

Maybe it's about time I got my own apartment.

- My mother can't have any more kids. - Neither can mine.

She's dead.

- It's Shelly who's pregnant. - What do you think?

I think I'm leaning towards Passion Flower.

"It combines the traditional floral scent with the musky aroma of sandalwood."

- What are you staring at? - It's Kevin.

- I don't want him to see me. - See you? He can smell you from there.

Oh, God, he's coming over here.

Act natural. Totally natural.

- Hi, Kevin. - Hi.

Real cool, Sultenfuss. You look like a grasshopper.

- What's the matter? - He likes you.

Likes me? He said I look like a grasshopper.

Boys pretend they hate you when they like you.

That's ridiculous. So if you really can't stand someone,

you pretend you're crazy about them?

I don't know. And I don't care.

Kevin's a jerk and I don't like him anymore.

He's all yours.

If "grasshopper" is a term of endearment,

I've got a lot to learn.

So have you guys thought of any new names for the baby?

Yeah, if it's a girl, I'm kind of leaning toward Esme.

- Esme? - Yeah, that kind of sounds like a noise

your nose makes, you know, “Esme." I mean, it's-

- And what if it's a boy? - Well, Harry Junior, of course.

Dad, when a boy likes you, does he pretend he doesn't like you?

And if he pretends that he doesn't, how can you tell?

What boy likes you?

It's just a question. It's not about anybody.

Here comes puberty.

Vada, I think what you're talking about is the fear of rejection.

Men will do anything to avoid looking foolish.

0h, Shell, that's ridiculous. Where are my needle-nose pliers?

If a boy wants to do homework, it means he didn't have the nerve to ask you out.

So you'll get your homework, pretend to be studying, next thing,

you're ordering pizza and talking about favorite movie stars.

So you're saying...

What are you saying?

Honey...

Guys don't wanna appear overanxious.

If there's a boy that likes you, let him know you like him,

so he won't feel he's taking such a risk when he's thinking of asking you out.

Okay?

Hi.

Wanna help me pick out wallpaper for my new room tomorrow?

- I don't know. I mean- - It okay if I drink this?

It's okay with me. Hi, Kevin.

Well, if it isn't Vada, the grasshopper girl.

Stop it, Kevin.

I was kidding. It's a joke, okay?

We were just doing homework and studying.

Next thing, you'll be ordering pizza and talking about movie stars.

See you.

In the future I think I'll stick to asking Dad for advice on embalming.

Baby, baby, baby love

My baby love, I need you Oh, how I need you

Why do you do me like you do?

Haven't I been good to you?

80 deep in love with you

Baby, baby

I read an article that says if you sing, it's a calming influence.

Assuming the baby's a Supremes fan.

Bet your mom sang to you.

If there was an article, she did. She was always reading.

Yes, I know, runs in the family. New book?

The Collected Works of Alfred Beidermeyer.

Her favorite poet.

Never heard of him.

Excuse me.

- How about a nice glass of milk? - With taco chips so I can dunk.

You know, Vada,

being an older sister, you're gonna be very important in this baby's life.

They're enormous, I know.

Is there milk already?

No, the milk comes when the baby comes.

When did you...?

I mean...

I was a late developer.

They used to call me Shelly Two-Backs. All my friends had real bras,

- not like the training ones I had. - Why do they call them training bras?

- It's not like learning to ride a bike. - I know.

I guess it's just preparing you for the rest of your life.

It's not easy being a woman.

You're telling me.

All the great writers ponder the meaning of life and death.

I've been thinking about my mother recently,

even though I don't have any memories of her.

I wish I could see her just once, even if it were only in a dream.

I know she'd help me figure things out.

Bless me now with your fierce tears I pray

Do not go gentle into that good night