T.J. Miller: No Real Reason

- I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS TO PERFORM,

BUT IT'S GOTTEN ME THIS FAR.

all: YOU'RE BAD. YOU'RE BAD. YOU'RE VERY, VERY BAD.

THANKS, GUYS.

CAN YOU CLEAR ALL THIS OUT OF HERE?

MOTHER, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

- I HOPE YOU GET MARRIED AND DON'T DIE ALONE.

- FATHER, I JUST-- I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.

REALLY GREAT.

- MELODY DUGGAN, MY HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA TEACHER,

I CREDIT MY SUCCESS TO YOUR BRILLIANCE AS A TEACHER.

- YOU WERE A PUSSY IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU'LL BE A PUSSY FOREVER.

WEIRD ONE.

NICK VATTEROTT, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, MAN.

DID YOU GO UP YET?

- NO, MAN, I'M-- - RIGHT ON.

ALL RIGHT. HAVE A GOOD SET, DUDE.

IS THIS--OH.

ACTUALLY, I WENT THE WRONG WAY.

GREAT SET, MAN.

I HAVEN'T GONE UP YET.

SUPER FUNNY.

FATHER--

T.J., I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU COULDN'T FIND THE DOOR TO THIS ONE.

- MOM, I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID ANY OF THIS.

* T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER

* T-T-T-T-T-T-T

* T.J. MILLER

* T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER

*

- WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, COLORADO, HUH?

I THINK THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO START THINGS OFF, YEAH?

HEY, GUYS, THANKS FOR COMING.

THIS GUY, TOTALLY UNIMPRESSED.

FROM THE VERY START, NEVER CLAPPED, NOTHING.

JUST SO HIGH.

HE JUST TURNED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.

HE'S LIKE, "WHO IS THIS?

"WHY DOES THIS COMEDIAN KEEP LOOKING DIFFERENT

EACH TIME I BLINK?"

NICE.

YOU GOT YOUR OREGON HOODIE ON. THAT'S GOOD.

ARE YOU AWARE OF THE STATE THAT YOU'RE IN, OR NO?

LET'S START IT OFF. READY?

I SAY, "HEY," YOU SAY, "HO." HEY.

all: HO!

- NOT EVERYBODY. JUST YOU.

READY?

HEY. - HO.

- HEY. - HO.

HE'S GOOD.

THAT WAS GOOD. YOU'RE A GOOD HO.

I MEAN, YOU'RE--

OH, THIS IS GREAT.

RECENTLY I THREW UP ON THE STREET IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT? OUR NATION'S CAPITOL.

THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I THROW UP IN THE STREET A LOT. I LIKE TO DRINK.

AND I GET HUNGOVER.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE HUNGOVER AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"I AM DEFINITELY GONNA VOMIT TODAY...

BUT I WONDER IF I CAN MAKE IT TO BREAKFAST FIRST"?

SO I ROLLED THE DICE.

I WAS INCORRECT IN MY ASSERTION.

I KNOW THIS, 'CAUSE I MADE THAT SOUND

THAT YOU MAKE WHEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA VOMIT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN THERE'S NO DECISION LEFT?

YOU KNOW?

THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM.

WHICH IS THE GREAT THING ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY TOO.

NOT ONLY IS VOMITING DISGUSTING,

WE GET TO LOOK LIKE A HUNGRY BABY BIRD RIGHT BEFOREHAND.

"FEED ME, MOTHER!"

IT'S A BRITISH BIRD, PERHAPS A NIGHTINGALE.

WHAT WAS DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS TIME IS,

RIGHT AS I BEGAN TO VOMIT, LIKE, RIGHT AS I WAS LIKE:

I TURNED, AND I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH A WOMAN

SITTING ACROSS THE STREET AT A STARBUCKS.

AND THEN I HELD EYE CONTACT AS I VOMITED.

WHICH IS TERRIBLE.

FOR HER MOSTLY.

'CAUSE I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE HER MORNING STARTED OFF SUCCESSFULLY.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT WEARING THE CLOTHING SHE WAS IN

THE NIGHT BEFORE.

SHE'S UP ON TIME.

SHE'S PROBABLY THINKING TO HERSELF,

"WELL, ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL MORNING.

"SIPPING A FRAPPE LATTE. WHAT DO THEY ALWAYS SAY?

"EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO HAVE THE WORMS IN YOUR HOUSE.

"I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT CLICHES,

"OR AT LEAST THE PERSON IMPERSONATING ME ISN'T.

"IT'S A REAL POINT OF INSECURITY FOR HIM.

"BUT AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE AN AWKWARD INTERACTION WITH--

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT BABY BIRD OF A MAN OVER THERE?"

THEN SHE JUST SEES ME LIKE:

I ALSO WALK LIKE A ZOMBIE WHEN I VOMIT.

BUT I FEEL BAD FOR HER, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE WHAT'S GOING ON IN HER REALITY?

SHE'S GOT TO GO HOME AND CALL HER FRIENDS, RIGHT?

SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE CONTEXT.

SHE JUST CALLS. SHE GOES, "OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

"I WAS SO UGLY THIS MORNING.

I MADE A MAN VOMIT."

I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK THAT, YOU KNOW?

RIGHT? WOULDN'T YOU FEEL BAD?

SORRY, I JUST MADE IT AWKWARD, DIDN'T I?

I DO THAT A LOT.

WHEN I MAKE EYE CONTACT

WITH PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE, I'LL HOLD IT.

LIKE, I'LL TALK TO SOMEBODY, AND THEN I'LL FINISH TALKING,

BUT I WON'T LOOK AWAY...

UNTIL THEN.

THAT'S WEIRD.

THAT'S A WEIRD THING, AND NOW I MADE IT ALL--

I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE-- YOU CAME TO THE SHOW.

I APPRECIATE IT. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT WEIRD.

IN FACT, IF I NEED TO TALK TO YOU FROM NOW ON,

I'LL LOOK AT HER.

IS THAT OKAY?

I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

IF I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, I'LL LOOK AT HER.

IS THAT OKAY?

YOU'RE CRYING, DID YOU JUST COME FROM--

WHY ARE YOU EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT?

THAT'D BE SO AWFUL IF I WAS LIKE,

"WHY ARE YOU CRYING AT THE SHOW, HUH?

"YOU'RE CRYING FROM LAUGHING? GET OUT OF HERE.

GO SMOKE POT IN HIS VAN."

I LIKE THE IDEA THAT MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE APPLAUDING

THAT HE MIGHT HAVE A VAN.

LIKE, "YEAH, LET'S HOPE HE DOES.

"YEAH, THEN HE HAS A PLACE TO LIVE...

AND LURE CHILDREN."

DID YOU KNOW THAT, ACTUALLY-- THIS IS TRUE.

THIS AREA OF COLORADO RIGHT AROUND HERE IN BOULDER

HAS THE HIGHEST CASES OF PEDOPHILIA PER CAPITA

OF ANYWHERE ELSE IN COLORADO.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

THAT'S TRUE. I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA.

I MEAN, I PUT IT IN THERE,

BUT I READ IT RIGHT AFTERWARDS...

AS AN OPEN-SOURCE CODING CHECK.

I DO, I CREEP PEOPLE OUT A LOT.

I DON'T MEAN TO AT ALL.

I REALIZED RECENTLY THAT SOMETIMES WHEN I'M EXCITED

ABOUT SOMETHING, AFTER I SAY IT, I'LL GO LIKE THIS...

DON'T EVER DO THAT.

THAT MAKES ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING SOUND,

LIKE, MALICIOUS OR WITH MALINTENT.

WATCH, I'LL SHOW YOU.

"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING AFTER THE SHOW?"

WHAT DO I WANT TO DO TO THEM AFTER THE SHOW, YOU KNOW?

"HEY, MAN, CAN I BORROW A STICK OF GUM?"

THAT GUM AIN'T FOR CHEWING.

EVEN NICE THINGS.

"KAREN, CONGRATULATIONS. I HEARD YOU'RE PREGNANT."

WHAT AM I GONNA DO, GO UP THERE AND GET IT?

AND I HAVE A FRIEND. HE CREEPS ME OUT.

TELL ME IF YOU HAVE ANYBODY LIKE THIS.

HE WINKS AT ME A LOT. LIKE, TOO MUCH.

ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

'CAUSE IT'S 2011, AND THEY'RE NOT YOUR UNCLE, YOU KNOW?

BUT HE'LL WINK, AND SOMETIMES IT'LL MAKE SENSE.

AND THEN OTHER TIMES, IT WON'T.

SO IT'S VERY CONFUSING.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THOSE GIRLS LATER?

THEY'RE DOWN TO PARTY."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, SURE. OH, YEAH.

NO, THAT SOUNDS GOOD. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH."

"YEAH, THEN MAYBE LATER, YOU AND ME CAN GET SOME PIZZA."

"NO, I DON'T THINK I WANT TO DO THAT.

DOES THAT INVOLVE US HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE?"

"NO."

I LIKE THAT MOVE, WHEN A GUY GETS SCARED.

I DON'T THINK THAT THERE SHOULD BE PLANTS WITH LEAVES

OR FOLIAGE THAT HANGS DOWN IN AIRPORTS.

I'LL EXPLAIN WHY.

WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD IF I DIDN'T?

I JUST MOVED ON RIGHT AFTER THAT.

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF TIMES I'M IN AIRPORTS,

I'LL BE TEXTING, AND I'LL MOVE OUT OF SOMEBODY'S WAY,

AND IF A PLANT EVEN JUST--

EVEN MILDLY TOUCHES, LIKE, GRAZES ANY--

LIKE, SUDDENLY I KNOW MARTIAL ARTS, YOU KNOW?

"IS IT A FERN OR A FICUS?

AIM FOR THE ROOTS."

AND I GOT TO STOP ACTING WEIRD IN AIRPORTS IN GENERAL REALLY.

'CAUSE IT'S WEIRD.

I'M GETTING MORE RECOGNIZABLE NOW, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN IN SOME MOVIES.

I'M NOT FAMOUS.

I'M, LIKE, THE LEAST FAMOUS YOU CAN BE

WHILE STILL BEING CONSIDERED SORT OF FAMOUS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I'M THE LEVEL OF CELEBRITY WHERE GROUPS OF GUYS AT AIRPORTS

WILL KIND OF LOOK OVER AT ME AND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER

AND THEN KIND OF LOOK BACK OVER.

AND I'M NOT SURE IF THEY RECOGNIZE ME