The She Beast

As Chief Exorciser in the District of Vaubrac,

I, Count Gustav Von Helsing, have oft been beleaguered by the ignorance of the peasantry

towards the world of darkness.

But on July the 18th, 1765, there occurred here an event of such infamy

that I deem it necessary to record it herein for future generations to peruse.

Sweet, innocent heart

from whom fair sleep was stolen,

sleep now in the arbors of the angels.

My brother. My brother.

She took my brother.

No, it has been enough.

Yea, enough.

- Do you know where she is, child? - Yes.

Will you tell me? Tell me, please.

Yes, child, tell us.

If I tell you will you kill her?

Yes, I'll kill her.

Where is she?

She's in the cave above the lake.

Go now and find her! Destroy the witch!

Destroy Vardella!

Wait! We must wait for the Count.

We wait for nothing more.

The Count will just consult his books and tell us that it's not yet time.

- And while he reads another child will die. - We must wait.

He said that Vardella must be exorcized.

If we kill her we'll have her forever in our midst.

Come forth, Vardella, foul creature of darkness,

sister of Satan.

Come forth and meet thy avenging god.

Carry away this abomination to the lake.

To the chair.

Bind her to the chair.

Thou who will die, come to the Lord.

Hold.

On this day be ye with your descendants cursed until eternity.

Think not that ye are rid of me for I, Vardella, will return.

Vardella will return.

The spike.

Drive home the spike.

Now, let her die.

Where the hell are we?

The Sofia-Bucharest autobahn, it appears.

Well, wake me when the traffic thins out.

Oh, Philip, that's not fair.

Well, let's have a look.

Uh-huh.

Yes, you're right.

It is the Sofia-Bucharest autobahn.

Opening scheduled in 18 months.

That'll teach you to underestimate your wife.

Oh, I'd never do that, darling.

Yes.

Oh, there's another place about five miles further on.

Are there any hotels there?

I don't know. There aren't any listed.

Well, let's have a look and scout around.

I don't think that'll be necessary.

A lawman cometh.

Excuse me.

Do you speak English?

No, I speak English.

Splendid. I was wondering if you could help us.

I believe we're near a place called Vaubrac.

Vaubrac, yes.

- Could you tell us of an inn there? Or a hotel? - Many first-class hotels in Vaubrac.

All welcome Americans.

- We're English. - Oh.

- Now, about this hotel. - No real prejudice in Vaubrac.

- It's a city of the people, by the people and for the people. - Fine, fine.

Now, if you could just tell us the names of a couple of hotels.

Hotel Maskva is the best hotel.

It's got an inside-outside bathroom.

Oh, really? But are there any other hotels?

Hotel Maskva is the only hotel.

But you said just now there were a lot of hotels.

- All the other hotels are closed except for invited guests. - Eh?

That's right.

This year is the annual waiter's training people's committee program.

Hotel Maskva is the only hotel open.

You go to Hotel Maskva.

Good hotel. You go there. Goodnight.

Goodnight?

This place is beginning to make me feel like a fugitive from the lost weekend.

Me too. I already see red stars before my eyes.

- Anyway, let's get on now to what's-its-name. - Oh, yes.

What a strange place.

It's all so full of weirdos and werewolves.

Terrible line, darling.

Great alliteration, but terrible line.

Well, what do you think?

More or less the same as you.

It'll be another 40 miles to the next town.

It'll be getting dark pretty soon.

Uh-oh, here comes the big boss.

Completes the picture, wouldn't you say?

Hello to you.

Welcome, welcome.

You're just in time for tea.

Did he say tea?

Yes.

Tea and bread.

You be stay the night?

I'm afraid we be.

You stay the night.

I say, you do speak good English.

No English.

Just room, food and tea.

You stay the night but you must be married for to spend the night.

If you not be married you go away. You cannot stay.

Well, he's kind to strangers anyway.

- Yes. - I take it you're the manager.

I be the owner.

In the name of the state I be the owner.

Now I take the baggages up to the room,

and you find a nice table over there for when I bring the tea.

Sounds like the best arrangement.

Coming, darling?

Only for the night.

Mm-hmm.

Do you know the Draculas, by any chance?

Huh?

Oh, nothing. Just another old family around these parts.

Sounds familiar.

No, I don't - I have to take the baggages in.

My, I don't take to this place.

What, you mean the innkeeper?

Him too, but what about that one over there?

- Pretend you don't notice. - Oh, I can't. It's too late.

He has a look in his eye that he wants to talk to somebody.

The baggages are in the room safe.

This is really good English tea.

Enjoy yourself.

Well.

Tea bags are bad enough.

They sure are.

What did I tell you?

Excuse me, but I believe you've dropped your garlic.

My what?

Garlic, did you say?

Indeed, yes.

- May I sit down? - Naturally.

We've been expecting you.

I'd like to explain the reason for the garlic cloves.

You seem puzzled by them.

Excuse me, what are you exactly, a guide or something?

Certainly not.

I am an aristocrat.

- A count. - I always had the idea that was hardly classed as a profession in your -

under your country's present regime.

The Von Helsing family has never dabbled in trade.

Von Helsing, did you say?

Where have I heard that name?

Do you know the Draculas?

Know the Draculas?

My family exorcised them, drove them from this earth,

staked their evil tyranny in their very hearts.

Von Helsing, that's where I know the name from.

Of course.

Count Von Helsing, if you please.

But surely there are no wicked fairies for you to exorcise nowadays.

I mean, what do you do for a living?

Oh, I manage. I manage.

By the way, the heat is much here in Transylvania.

- You would perhaps. - Oh, yes, of course.

Where is that comrade that runs this place?

Groper! Groper! A bottle of slivovitz for my friends!

As we were saying, there are no vampires left in Transylvania.

My family saw to that.

But you must remember that Transylvania was once the seat of a great, satanic religion for many thousands of years,

so one cannot be too careful, even now.

You mean you stay around so that there won't be any new outbreak of sorcery, is that it?

Here you are, your ex-lordship.

Yes, yes, exactly.

The natives wear these things, these garlic cloves, to protect them.

Ridiculous, of course.

Still, one cannot possibly be too careful,

even now.

It takes more than that to discourage the depredations of a strong-willed witch.

Don't tell me you don't still believe in witches.

Well, now, one can never be absolutely sure.

After all, the hand of Satan reached down through many, many centuries.

Why should he find its end at the height of this one?

Oh, that's a theory anyway.

Let me tell you a story.

Oh, don't be alarmed. I'll make it brief.

Oh, do, do. Tell on.

About 200 years ago, here in Vaubrac, there was a wicked witch called Vardella.

Really, an evil example as witches go.

And the stupid peasantry who lived here tried to exorcise her themselves.

- Ha, the fools. - Without going through the proper channels, you mean?

Without waiting for my great, great grandfather, the 12th count.

So naturally they fumbled the whole procedure,

allowing Vardella to put a curse on the entire village,

its inhabitants and their descendants.

If they'd only had the patience to wait upon the wisdom of the 12th count

there would exist no danger, no danger at all.

And do you mean you sit here waiting for the effects of her curse to take place?

Philip, I'm feeling terribly tired.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was getting rather engrossed in this.