8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

Sean Lock,

Jon Richardson,

Vic Reeves,

Aisling Bea,

David O'Doherty,

Susie Dent

and Rachel Riley.

Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.

Did you know, for example, if something is obliviable,

then it's easy to forget.

I'm fairly confident I'm not obliviable and neither's Sean,

and neither's the other one.

When Shakespeare moved house, he called his new house New Home.

Not very imaginative.

Although, fortunately, it was in a hamlet, which gave him a good idea.

And the Irish language has a different set of numbers to count

inanimate objects rather than living things.

It goes one potato, two potato, three potato, four.

Right, let's get started.

OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's Jon Richardson.

Jon keeps his DVDs in alphabetical order,

which means no matter what film he wants to watch, he can go to his DVD shelf

and know instantly how anally retentive he is.

What do you do about "The" on a DVD?

The Lord of the Rings - does it go under T or is it under L, The?

It's one of the big questions.

You're in that one, aren't you?

Aragorn, I am.

Oh, my God, I just saw myself.

And Jon's team-mate, Aisling Bea.

Aisling studied classical acting at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts.

An esteemed institution that's produced some of the country's

most well-respected baristas.

Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.

I'm not saying Sean is terrible at Countdown, but at the end of the last series,

Susie Dent asked if it might be kinder if we held him back a year.

And Sean's teammate, Vic Reeves.

Vic Reeves is very much the nutter on the bus' nutter on the bus.

OK, Vic, you've got devoted fans.

Er, what's the weirdest thing you've been sent by one of your fans?

We used to get sent a lot of vegetables, potatoes mainly.

But, no... Edible knickers - we'd get sent them.

You would get chewing tobacco flavoured ones.

Beef and tomato, chicken and mushroom.

OK. And eggs, we used to get sent eggs.

Are you mixing up fans with Ocado?

I now really want to see Sean's Ocado order.

I'll just get some eggs and edible panties, this week.

Um, Sean, you've achieved a lot in comedy. Thank you.

Have you ever considered...

have you ever considered a career change, Sean?

Well, I've got so many qualities.

Er, it's very hard for me to choose.

I mean, I'm very, very good at walking backwards

and telling people not to go to the toilet.

So, I think I'd make a great air steward.

Forget being Putin or Barrack Obama. You know, that's real power.

"No, you're going to have to wait. You can't go to the toilet." "Oh!"

But, I mean, before I did this, of course, I had a career

which, er, some people have very mixed feelings about.

I was a zoo keeper for six years.

A lot of people can't decide whether zoo keepers are goodies or baddies.

You know, you obviously love animals, but you keep them imprisoned.

I see myself as - genuinely, I had a good record as a zoo keeper.

Um, you know, none of them ever escaped.

A panda hung itself once.

I've never worked out how he got that belt in there.

OK, er, Jon, you're known for being a little bit grumpy.

What do you do to cheer yourself up?

Um, the same as anyone, the suffering of others.

It's the only way we all cope, isn't it?

Ultimately, someone's having a shitter time than you are

and with YouTube, it's very often possible to watch that happening.

At least I'm not walking into a glass door like this dick.

Amazing afternoon, that's three hours gone there.

Aisling, are there any Irish words or phrases that we should be

made aware of - that English people wouldn't know?

There are lots of different phrases that, er, are technically English, but people don't understand.

Like, for example, my mother sent me a text today.

Actually, David, you could translate if they don't understand.

Would you do that? Yeah, no problem. OK. So, I mean, it's fairly simple.

She was, like, "Hi, Aisling. Well, didn't someone on the rob leg it off

"with your man's messages after he's after coming out of Spar because...

"..and she was so gee-eyed off her hoop that she didn't,

"she walloped them with one of them yolks you lobbed out of Jacks.

"The guards found the poor girl hiding and shivering like an abused piebald in a hotpress inher gaff,

"offering to give them the shift or the ride if they let her go.

"Ah, but you look, you know her yerself, she was grand, like."

Simple enough. David, what was that again?

Just the police are investigating an incident in a shop.

OK. Um, Vic, do you have a mascot with you, today?

I have, yes. Do you know what, er, a spork is?

Half spoon, half fork?

That's what you think. No. I invented the spork.

It's half...

half a fork and half a spanner.

So, you can enjoy your biryani...

..whilst tightening the nuts on your wheels.

So, I've brought that in - that's my invention.

Or I've got another one that I'm working on at the minute...

..and it's, er...

..it's a telescopic arm for removing chicken's eggs

whilst they're in flight for freshness.

So, if there's a chicken flying up above,

you can remove the egg. It's extra fresh because it's in flight and it has not landed

and started to go a bit off.

The chicken is a flightless bird.

I'll be the judge of that.

That and the spork.

Aisling, have you got a mascot? Well, I'm, um, a big believer in para-dressing.

So, I'm going to wear, for the show, er, this little number.

And it's like... it's called a traxedo

and it's got all the trappings of a tracksuit, in that it's...

you know, there's a lounge-like quality to it,

but then, there's a, sort of, formality

and sense of occasion to it of a tuxedo.

It's got, like, a little dicky bow at the side. Whoa.

Yeah. So, people might be like, "Where's she off to?

"Some sort of celebrity gala, perhaps?"

Or maybe to get married in Liverpool. Yeah.

I've also got one for my, er, partner in crime here,

the co-captain of the fun plane, as I say.

Jon, that's your one, there.

It's all right, Jon. It's, sort of, like a cardigan.

What I've also done is, um, just to sort of relax us - get us in the mood -

I've made us a little cocktail, um, just to, kind of, again...

it's just because I want to make it special. So, I've, kind of, like, made us a little cocktail.

It's very humble in many ways.

It's just a couple of bits I've found in the kitchen.

Just, like, fresh berries, you know, um, a bit of Mr Muscle, some things like that.

Cos I often think if you can't handle a few kitchen products

if you ingest them, like, you should really be drowned in a bag anyways.

So... so, these are just two little genius juices. Here you go, Jon.

To feeling great!

Mm...

Jon, you look like a novelty stripper.

Have you got a mascot today, Jon? I was on my way here with my mascot.

My mascot this week was going to be my friend Ryan, who is a cow.

We started knocking about, he's got a good sense of humour, we get on.

Er, anyway, I was on my way into the studio, me and Ryan,

and a farmer outside took a shine to Ryan, and said,

"How about I keep Ryan and I give you these magic beans?"

Who could resist an offer like that, Jimmy? Not me.

So, Ryan's on his arse and I've got some compost here -

I always carry compost with me, you never know -

and I'm going to plant the magic beans... Yeah.

..and we'll see what happens, Jimmy, throughout the show.

That's exciting, isn't it?

If you're not a fan of word games, now you've got stay tuned.

There we go. And we'll give them a little drink,

so they grow all big and strong.

Maybe you could put some genius juice on them. I'll pop a little bit of genius juice in there, as well.

It can't do any harm, can it? No. What's the worst that can happen, eh, Jon? Yes.

OK, Jon. We'll keep an eye on your magic bean throughout the evening. Sean, have you got amascot?

I did have a mascot, but now they've turned up in these tracksuits, I'm going to change it... Traxedos.

..and, er, it's going to be a lighter.

No, I've got a mascot, Jimmy.

You know there's this current phenomena for, er, for adult colouring books?

You know, for grown-ups? Yes! Colouring books for grown-ups.

They're always, kind of, like, sort of, sweet butterflies and, sort of, pastoral scenes.

Well, I've come up with Sean's Gritty Colouring Book.

It's like a cross between a colouring book and a Ken Loach film.

So, you know, scenes that are more realistic.

This is a Hull benefits office.

Just Ian and Cath working today.

Because, obviously, the cut backs.

You can, you know, you can loosen up. You can colour in the tattoos.

Are there, are there any other scenes? Yes. Oh, there's loads of more scenes, Jimmy.

This one is an old people's home.

Um, Edna's asleep there.

Well, I think she's asleep.

You've got a lot of grey there with, er, the people, the food...

Apart from, of course, the panic button, which is a lovely bright red.

This is a bailiff on a...

..on a council estate.

But what he doesn't know is behind that door,

there's an ex-para with a pit bull and a samurai sword.

And this one is, er, a courthouse in Stockton-on-Tees.

Somebody's just been convicted and they're being taken away to serve their sentence.

A lot of people are rather excited about the court case.

It's lovely, a real community spirit to that. Yes, there is, yes.

A lot of people getting involved. A lot of fun. A lot of fun can be had there. Hours.

Stockton-on-Tees? Yes.

The widest high street in Britain.

Well, yes, yes, as you can see.

There. That's not Stockton. That's Regent Street.

I didn't think that would be the main criticism of it.

Yeah, anyways, so this is this book. I think it'd be a lot of fun for adults and, er,

some of the money goes to charity.

Not all of it, because I want some of it.

The very best of luck with that. Sean Lock everyone, thank you.

Big heart, big heart. He's basically all heart.

He's a lovely man. Yeah.

Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.

David O'Doherty is nature's answer to the question,

"Have you got something bigger than a badger but smaller than a bear?"

Er, with David, of course, Susie Dent.