Doctor Who

Good morning, Adipose Industries.

Donna Noble, Health and Safety.

John Smith, Health and Safety.

Adipose Industries, the 27st century way to lose weight.

No exercise, no diet, no pain,

just lifelong freedom from fat', the holy grail of the modern age.

And here it is.

You just take one capsule, one capsule, once a day for three weeks,

and the fat, as they say...

The fat just walks away.

Excuse me, Miss Foster, if I could?

I'm Penny Carter, science correspondent for the Observer.

There are a thousand diet pills on the market,

a thousand conmen stealing people's money.

How do we know the fat isn't going straight into your bank account?

Oh, Penny, if cynicism burnt off calorie;

we'd all be as thin as rakes.

But if you want the science, I can oblige.

Adipose Industries.

The Adipose capsule is composed of a synthesised, mobilising lipase,

bound to a large protein molecule.

The mobilising lipase breaks up the triglycerides

stored in the adipose cells, which then enter...

Health and Safety.

Film Department.

700% legal, 700% effective.

But can I just ask, how many people have taken the pills to date?

We've already got 1,000,000 customers within the Greater London area alone,

but from next week, we start fading out nationwide.

The future starts here.

And Britain will be thin.

Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries.

Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries.

Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries...

That's a three-week course of pills for the special price of £45.

Donna Noble from Health and Safety. Don't mind me.

We deliver within three working days...

John Smith, Health and Safety. Don't mind me.

The box comes with 21 days' worth of pills, a full information pack

and our special free gift, an Adipose Industries pendant.

It's made of 18 carat gold and it's yours for free.

No, we don't give away pens. Sorry.

No. I can't make an exception. No.

I'll just need to keep this for testing,

and I just need a list of your customers.

- Could you print it off? - I suppose so.

- Where's the printer? - Just over there, by the plant.

Which plant? That plant?

- Yeah, that's the one. - Lovely.

That's the printer there?

- By the plant, yeah. - Brilliant.

Does it need a code? Last place I worked, the printer needed a code.

No, I can do it from here.

- Has it got paper? - Yeah, Jimbo keeps it stocked.

Excuse me, everyone, if I could have your attention...

On average, you're each selling 40 Adipose packs per day.

That's not enough.

I want 100 sales per person per day.

And if not, you'll be replaced.

'Cause if anyone's good at trimming the fat, it's me.

Now, back to it.

Anyway, if you could print that off, thanks.

So, if you could just print off that list, I'll get out of your way.

Lovely. Thanks, then. See you.

Thanks, then. Oh. What's that?

- My telephone number. - What for?

Health and Safety. You be Health, I'll be Safety.

Oh, ah...

But that contravenes paragraph 5, subsection C. Sorry.

Me again.

- Stacy Campbell? - Who wants to know?

Uh, my name's Donna. I represent Adipose Industries.

And you're on the list of our valued customers.

Mr Roger Davey, I'm calling on behalf of Adipose Industries.

Just need to ask you a few questions.

It's been fantastic. I started the pills on Thursday.

Five days later, I've lost 11 pounds.

And no side effects or anything?

No, I feel fantastic. It's a new lease of life.

Now, what do you think about these earrings? Do they work?

Yeah, lovely.

I've been on the pills two weeks now. I've lost 14 kilos.

- That's the same amount every day? - One kilo exactly.

You wake up, and it's disappeared overnight.

Well, technically speaking, it's gone by 1:10 in the morning.

- What makes you say that? - That's when I get woken up.

Might as well weigh myself at the same time.

You going on a date?

I'm doing the opposite. I'm dumping him. I can do better than him now.

Right, I won't be long. If the taxi beeps, give me a shout.

It is driving me mad.

Ten minutes past 1:00, every night, bang on the dot, without fail,

the burglar alarm goes off.

I've had experts in, I've had it replaced,

I've even phoned Watchdog.

But no, 1:10 in the morning, off it goes.

- But with no burglar? - Nothing. I've given up looking.

Tell me, Roger, have you got a cat flap?

It was here when I bought the house. I never bothered with it really.

I'm not a cat person.

No, I've met cat people. You're nothing like them.

Is that what it is, though, cats getting inside the house?

Well, thing about cat flaps is

they don't just let things in, they let things out as well.

Like what?

"The fat just walks away."

- Won't be long. - Oh, that's all right.

Oh.

We have unscheduled parthenogenesis.

Well, thanks for your help.

Tell you what, maybe you could lay off the pills for a week or so.

Gotta go! Sorry!

Send out the collection squad. Bring them home.

Oh!

You all right out there?

Yeah.

The adipose has been witnessed.

Activating full parthenogenesis.

What?

What are you?

What are you?

I like what you done with the hall.

Stacy?

You all right?

Wouldn't mind a little visit myself.

Everything all right in there?

It's only me.

Do you mind if I pop to the loo?

Stacy?

Oh, help me! Oh, my God, help me!

What is it? What's wrong?

Stacy!

- Stacy Campbell? - No, she's gone.

Gone where?

She's just gone.

Oh, great. Thanks for nothing.

So, it seems we have a case of industrial espionage.

One touch and the capsule bio-tunes itself to its owner,

but someone must have introduced a second, raw capsule.

Therefore, one of these people is a thief.

There.

Oh, yes, there she is.

Now...

What should we do with her?

And what time's this?

How old am I?

Not old enough to use a phone.

I thought you were only moving back for a couple of weeks.

Look at you.

I mean, you're never gonna find a flat, not while you're on the dole.

It's no good sitting there dressed-up, looking like you're job-hunting.

You've got to do something.

It's not like the 1980s,

no one's unemployed these days, except you.

How long did that job with Health and Safety last?

Two days, and then you walk out.

"I have other plans." Well, I've not seen them.

And it's no good sitting there dreaming.

No one's gonna come along with a magic wand

and make your life all better.

- Where's Granddad? - Where do you think he is?

Up the hill. He's always up the hill.

Aye, aye, here comes trouble.

Permission to board ship, sir.

Permission granted.

- Was she nagging you? - Big time.

- I brought you a Thermos. - Oh, ta.

- You seen anything? - Yeah, I've got Venus.

Yeah, with an apparent magnitude of minus 3.5 at least.

That's what it says in my little book. Here, have a seat. Come on. Here you go.

You all right?

That's the only planet in the solar system named after a woman.

Good for her.

How far away is that?

Oh, it's about 26,000,000 miles.

But we'll get there one day.

100 years' time, we'll be striding out amongst the stars,

jiggling about with all them aliens, just you wait.

You really believe in all that stuff, don't you?

Oh, they're all over the place these days.

If I wait here long enough...

I don't suppose you've seen a little blue box.

Is that slang for something?

No, I mean it.

If you ever see a little blue box flying up there in the sky,

you shout for me, Gramps.

Oh, you just shout.

Do you know, I don't understand half the things you say these days.

- Nor me. - No, fair dues.

You've had a funny old time of it lately.

There was poor old whatshisname, Lance, bless him.

That barmy old Christmas.

I wish you'd tell us what really happened.

I kn ow.

It's just...

The things I've seen, sometimes I think I'm going mad.

I mean, even tonight, I was in a...

Doesn't matter.

Well, you're not yourself, I'll give you that.

You just... You seem to be drifting, sweetheart.