8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown...

Sean Lock.

Alan Carr.

Johnny Vegas.

Lou Sanders.

The Brett Domino Trio.

Susie Dent.

Rachel Riley.

And your host, Jimmy Carr!

Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.

The show about letters, numbers and conundrums.

OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's Sean Lock!

Where would Sean be without comedy?

I imagine appearing in a viral video, shouting at someone on a bus.

And Sean's team-mate, it's Johnny Vegas.

Ever since I'd known Johnny, he's been hungry for success.

Sorry, pasties.

Success, he can take or leave.

Unless success comes with chips.

Are you going to just sit there and take that?

I've actually dropped 2.5st because I've cut out carbs.

I've got something for you later on.

I've got a surprise for you later on

that will make up for all of this, Johnny. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, is it, like, people I love coming back from the dead?

Because if it's not, Jimmy, don't waste your time.

I would say it's better than that.

OK. Up against them this evening, it's guest team captain, Alan Carr!

Alan Carr. Some cars run on petrol, some run on diesel.

This one runs on Bombay mix and Lambrini. Yes!

And joining Alan tonight, Lou Sanders!

Lou, we're very pleased to have you here.

It's your first time on the show,

so I'm going to give you the safety briefing.

Don't look Sean Lock directly in the eyes.

Don't operate heavy machinery whilst talking to Susie.

And if you have to feed Alan, make sure you keep your hand

completely flat, or he'll have it off.

OK, Alan, I believe you became a married man this year?

Yes, I got married. Congratulations.

Do you want to hear all the details? I want all the details.

I'm made of questions right now. Oh, my God.

Well, listen, he asked me to marry him in Lombok. Where's Lombok?

It's in Indonesia. You know, homosexuality's illegal over there.

Well. So he got down on his knees and said, "Will you marry me?"

And I said, "How dare you, I've never been so insulted!"

Slapped him.

I like the fact you said, "Got down on his knees." Not one knee.

Oh, he's a dirty sod.

He's a dirty sod!

Yeah, if Lombok's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking. Anyway...

Listen, you don't want a gay marriage in Indonesia,

because the confetti's rocks, do you know what I'm saying?

But the thing is, you know, like,

I just expected people to be pleased for me.

Because, you've seen Paul, he's nice-looking. Yeah.

Everyone's like, "Ooh, what a catch, in't you done well?"

Do you know what I mean?

"Ooh, you're punching above your weight, Alan."

As if I've come down from me lair,

from the bell tower, stroking his face.

"You're mine tonight."

So how long have you been married now? Oh, how long? June, erm...

When it's this going out? Shall I just say it, and then you dub it in?

..months.

And also, it gets repeated a lot. Yeah. Oh, shit, yeah.

Well, we'd better do a contingency version.

So, you've recently got divorced? Yes!

Sean, let me ask you this - what's the worst decision you've ever made?

I think it was organising that surprise birthday party

for the horse.

That was a big mistake.

They do NOT like surprises.

The cake...

..the streamers, the poppers, everything.

"Surprise!" Balloons.

Went fucking mental.

I don't even like horses, I don't know why I did it.

It's either that or the time I misjudged the street-food boom.

You know the street food? Oh, yeah.

And I rolled out my fleet of cottage-cheese vans.

They were all thatched, the vans were thatched.

And I thought it was a good idea, it was Cottage Cheese Cottage.

I see what you've done there, it's very good. It's clever.

Lou, it's your first time on the show,

are you going to be better at the letter or the numbers?

When I was at school, I wouldn't say that I was known for either.

But I think my parents were just pleased that I didn't get pregnant.

Because when I was about 15, everyone thought I was going

to get pregnant, because I was a bit of a legend.

It says here you're quite spiritual?

Yes. I've got a crystal necklace. Oh, that'll come in handy. Yes.

And I've got three crystals up my foof.

Three? Yeah, just titchy ones.

Johnny, what's the best thing about being on a team with Sean?

He always keeps me to time.

Always. I can feel his eyes burning into me.

Other than that, he's very intelligent.

He hides...

What he does, he acts like he's annoyed with life and he just

wants to get on, and he's angry with, you know, lots of...

Feathered things.

You like to hurt pigeons and stuff.

I'll give you 30 seconds to finish this. But he agrees with me.

30 seconds to finish, the clock's ticking.

But that all belies the fact that, inside,

he's got this creativity that he's almost embarrassed about.

It's like a working-class shame. 15 seconds he did that in.

That's a miracle.

Lou, have you got a mascot?

Well, I've got this hat that I got made, called Dick Inspector.

Because I don't think there's enough female sexual predators.

So I'm trying to bring it back for your Peeping Toms and stuff,

from a female perspective.

Finally, something I can get behind. Thank you!

And I've also got a book that I'm bringing out called

Get In The Van, And Other Chat-Up Lines.

Which I'm writing.

So I brought some chat-up lines for everybody today.

Oh, lovely. OK, what've you got?

Rachel, your eyes are like a deep, blue swimming pool.

I really want to touch your bottom.

Susie, your name's Susie. Yeah?

But is your middle name Fizz Wizz?

Because I really want you to explode in my mouth.

Jimmy Carr. Yeah. Your name's Jimmy Carr, yeah?

That's funny, because I like my men how I like my cars,

imported from China.

And locked in a garage.

Yes, sure.

Johnny, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have. It's...

It's a shaving mirror that me son made for me.

Aw!

Yeah. The only problem is that, if you're shaving,

you can't see yourself in it.

As much as I love him - and if you're watching,

even though you shouldn't be - he cut the hole quite small.

So when I shave, I can't actually see my own chin.

I wouldn't necessarily blame him for that.

He knows that I struggle with me weight,

so the bull is running away from the paella.

The letter A there, I said, "Is that a Spanish thing?"

And he went, "No, I just couldn't be arsed cutting it out."

But, son, you've really let me down.

OK. Sean, have you got a mascot?

I decided, there's a lot of things that we love that are disappearing.

And they're disappearing because people don't love them any more.

So I thought, it's time rock had a rebrand. Ooh!

Because nobody likes rock. No.

I thought, what about inland rock?

Burnley.

I thought that would be a good idea.

And then, I thought, nobody finishes rock, do they?

It's like a Russell Brand book.

So I thought...

..little Rock.

The next thing I want to rebrand, flannels.

Nobody bloody uses flannels any more.

What's better than that?

It's like being back in the womb.

It's lovely feeling, a flannel.

Have a strip wash at a sink in a services.

Ooh...

Oh, no.

Which one are you choosing? What do you mean? Which flannel?

You've got loads of stuff.

It's just like you're emptied the back of your car.

I work too hard.

So, what are you rebranding the flannel as?

Well, I'm not really. I'm just saying...

So, you've rebranded rock and then you just got some flannels.

And reminded people of what flannels are? Yeah!

You're like a door-to-door salesman.

"Flannels, love?"

And you've just said the sentence, "I work too hard."

What else are you rebranding? I want to see a rebrand here.

Not just something you're reminding us exists.

Ouzo.

Ouzo?

Nobody drinks...

Nobody drinks ouzo any more, do they?

Do you know why? Because it's fucking horrible.

But if you knew what a terrible, horrible drink it was,

and the terrible damage it causes... You know what?

You can actually... My dentist told me, you have two options,

you can floss or drink ouzo. Right.

This is the new one, it's called boozo.

You know what you're getting.

What does ouzo do? It gets you shit-faced and makes you sick.

So I call it boozo - it's a bastard in a glass.

That's what happens when you drink ouzo. Well, let's see if it works.

No, let's not.

Let's feed a litre of it to Johnny.

I just want me sweet brandy!

Should you two not be in a park?

OK, Alan, you got a mascot? Put down the flannel. Oh, right...

Fuck, all right.

That was like a really shit Western. "Put down the flannel!"

OK. Well, now I'm married, yeah?

I want a kid, so I've gone to the council and they've given me