No Good Deed

Oh wow!

Oh! Look at these details.

The windows.

I'm blown away.

Shit, Barry, I think this is the original fireplace.

- Ah! Someone's got a good eye. -

The owner restored it himself.

- Wow. - Yeah.

He's a contractor, so he did all the work on the house.

- Plumbing, electrical, everything. - This one...

They look like a smart couple.

Yeah. I mean, I've never been a fan of an indoor scarf.

- But... - Mm.

Ooh! Now, does this piano come with the house?

Oh, no. The wife played for the Philharmonic. Icon.

- She'll be buried in that thing. - Oh.

Did she die? Because you have to disclose that.

Ooh, I would if I could, but the thing is, I can't,

because she's very much alive and very motivated to sell.

It is so strange to finally be inside.

How many times have we walked past this house?

So many times.

- It's somehow even prettier inside. - Yeah.

And, babe, did you see these arches?

Do we not have these exact arches on our vision board?

Oh, now you're into the vision board.

I mean, we have been looking for two years,

and the house that we're obsessed with finally pops up?

- I mean, this feels beshert. - Mmm. Yeah, it does.

It's just such a family house, don't you think?

Just because we don't have kids does not mean we're not a family.

No, I know that. I didn't mean it like that.

I think it's gorgeous. It's just...

Have you seen upstairs?

It's, like, a little darker than I was expecting.

Okay. I... I think it's just a time of day thing.

No, I meant, like, the vibe, like...

It's kind of like a dark vibe.

Is it possible that you're pickin' up on your own vibe?

Because you're kind of bein' a Negative Nance.

Ah!

I would've killed to live in a place like this when I was a kid.

I'd kill a man dead right now if he had a million dollars in his pocket.

- We'd need it if we try to buy this place. - I know, I know, I know.

- But just leap, and the net will appear. - Oh my gosh. Look at these wood beams.

They're original to the house, babe. You can tell...

No, you can tell because you're smart, 'cause you're my sexy little architect.

Mmm. Oof.

I don't feel so little or so sexy right now.

Are you kidding me? Have you seen yourself?

Do you have any idea how perfect you are?

No.

But you can take this opportunity to tell me.

Do you two ever quit it?

I mean, you're making everyone uncomfortable.

We're newlyweds, Ma. We're supposed to be lovey-dovey.

You're also supposed to invite your mother to your wedding,

but I suppose that "supposed to" didn't count.

We didn't have a wedding.

It seemed like a crazy amount of money to spend on a party.

Who needs a party?

You do. You love parties.

You've been dreaming about your wedding your entire life.

Remember?

You wanted 98 Degrees to sing you down the aisle.

- Well, who wouldn't? - You wanted what?

- Huh? - Oh...

I recognize him.

- Okay. Mom, don't say anything. Don't... -

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Oh, sorry. I was just checking... - No, no. You're fine.

- But I couldn't help but notice... - Huh?

You look like the actor from the soap opera Rising Tides.

- Uh, hey. How you doin'? - Are you the shady handyman?

- Yeah, I played Devon, yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Devon. Yes, Devon.

- Devon, you trying to buy this house? - Oh, no, no, I'm just browsing.

I love the old Hollywood Spanish style.

- You know? - Oh!

- I love Rising Tides. - Yeah.

- Oh yeah? - That's my favorite story.

I appreciate that. It means a lot.

- Thank you. Yeah. - Yeah. Until they killed you off.

Baby, they put a hammer to his head.

He cheated on the stepdaughter, and you know what? He didn't deserve her.

On your stepdaughter?

Yeah. Well, it was for the best, you know, story-wise, and, uh, well, I've moved on.

- Uh-huh. So what you on now? - Yeah. But I'm sorry.

- Now? - Yeah.

- Currently? - Yes.

I'm on kind of a self-imposed hiatus, but there is somethin' I'm lookin' at.

I probably shouldn't talk about it.

- It's a super secret project. - Oh!

- Uh, it was good talking to you. - Ooh! Okay.

- Thank you. - Of course.

- You take care now. - Mm-hmm! You too, Devon.

- - Look at that light.

- Gorgeous. - Oh my gosh.

That's really nice. Is this, like...

- What's in here? - And this?

Well, if it isn't everyone's favorite Iookie Louise.

- Hello, Craig. - It's Greg.

I know. I thought we were making up names.

- Hmm. - Piano's out of tune.

Oh. I'll let the seller know.

Mmm. You should do that.

Look at Margo. Sunglasses and that purse.

She looks like an AI-generated... bitch.

But do you like Margo? 'Cause I can't tell.

Ha ha. I can tell. She is thrilled to see inside the house. Judge us.

Her nipples are probably so hard.

- Oh. No. They're not. - Aw.

Who cares what Margo thinks anyway? Fuck Margo.

Yeah, fuck Margo.

Unless she wants to pay cash.

Then I'm happy to bend over and take that cash right in the ass.

- Okay. I know you're kidding. - Uh, I'm half kidding.

But I will burn this place to the ground if we sell to someone like her.

She does not deserve this house.

Okay. Okay. We're gettin' emotional.

Because it's emotional, Paul. Okay? All my memories are here.

Yeah, I know. I know.

- But, hey, I grew up here. So... - Since you were eight.

Yeah. But I mean, technically, more of my memories are here.

And a lot of 'em suck.

Yes. I know.

It just... it still feels like lobbing an appendage off.

Well, we... we have to amputate.

We... we've waited long enough.

What about my garden?

You know, and the mandarin tree that the kids and I planted.

It's persnickety if it's not pruned.

So, you leave instructions for the next family.

Let them deal with the fuckin' water bill.

Why is everything about money with you?

Because we don't have any, Lydia.

Huh? The second mortgage fucked us.

And I'm trying, but I can only do so much.

I'm sorry. Yeah, I am. I really am sorry it's all on you.

I would work if I could. I would. But...

Okay? I can't.

I know.

I know, I know.

Listen, I know you can't.

- Yeah. - I know. Come on.

If...

if we get a bidding war going,

then we can build our own place in Cambria.

Huh?

Nice little ranch, with... with nice little horses.

Mm-hmm.

How little? Like...

Oh. Microscopic.

Undetectable to the human eye.

Hmm. Okay. Well, that would be adorable.

Yeah. And... and maybe, with the sea air in your hair,

and... and a change of scenery,

you'll be able to play again.

Hmm? I miss hearing you play.

Okay.

But can we just make sure we find the right buyers

who get how special this house is?

How special you made it?

Yeah. Of course.

Huh? Oh, look. They look like nice people.

Yeah. Well, Ted Bundy looked nice.

But... maybe we go down and meet them.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Come on, Paul. Let's go downstairs.

No. Don't go out there.

- What? - Nothing.

I'm gonna tell the realtor we wanna make an offer.

Babe, can we please talk about this first? Like...

I need to take time to process before we spend our entire nest egg.

Totally. But what else are we supposed to spend that money on?

We're not doing any more IVF, right?

I mean, that alone frees up, like, a gajillion dollars.

Right.

Okay. Listen. I just think that we could totally change, like, the vibe in there.

- You know? - Yeah. But...

Do we even know if the street is safe? Like, at night?

Uh, this street? This street?

- Questionable. - You think it looks...

This looks like a dangerous spot?

No. The vibes change immediately. Sun goes down, different street.

Okay. All right. I'll come back. I'll drive around. I'll do...

I'll do my loops. I'll do my night loops.

Remember those break-ins a couple years ago? Someone got shot?

I don't, because I don't obsessively check the Citizen app.

I don't obsessively check it.

Okay. I'm just saying... it's LA, babe.

Okay? We don't need to know

every time some nutter-butter steals a catalytic converter.

I think, if it was your catalytic converter,

you would wanna know.

I would def... I don't like when anyone touches my catalytic converter.

- Exactly. And then you would... - Except you.

Is this foreplay?

I got a lot where that came from.

Okay.