8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown -

Jon Richardson,

David Walliams,

Joe Lycett,

Jonathan Ross,

Isy Suttie,

Susie Dent,

and Rachel Riley.

Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters, numbers, and conundrums.

Did you know, for example,

the opposite of nowadays for times gone past is thenadays?

And the term for something completely forgotten is

The Saturdays.

Three billion is the number of times

a person's heart will beat in their lifetime,

although mine is one less than that,

because it skipped a beat when I first met David Walliams.

And a sextant is an instrument used for measuring the angular

distance between objects,

whereas a sex-tent is what a scoutmaster takes camping.

Right, let's get started. APPLAUSE

OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up,

it's Jon Richardson. APPLAUSE

Jon says he loves all sports, except swimming.

Fair enough, those cardigans can get heavy when they're wet.

And joining Jon tonight is Joe Lycett.

APPLAUSE

When he was a child,

Joe used to regularly sit in the front garden and sing to

the flowers, in an act described by local bullies as

"inspiring".

I did actually do that. What did you sing?

I used to sing Gustav Holst's The Planets.

I thought you were going to say that.

What are the words to Jupiter?

# Da da da da da... # It's just "da-das".

What age were you when you were doing this? About 22.

Up against them this evening - it's special guest

team captain David Walliams. APPLAUSE

David once mooned Simon Cowell.

Witnesses still can't agree which was the biggest arsehole.

And David's team-mate, Jonathan Ross. Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Jonathan was awarded an OBE in 2005,

which just goes to show how hard it is to take back an OBE.

We're on the same team. I know, but it's true. No!

David, what's the best way to seduce David Walliams?

Invite him to Manchester for a recording of

a panel show that you're hosting.

Yep, Manchester, got it.

Later on, invite him back for drinks,

at your hotel. Holiday Inn, yep.

And give me a cake very soon after sex.

A cake? A cake, either during or after.

Your mouth will be full.

APPLAUSE

Jonathan, you were branded the worst celebrity contestant

ever on The Great Comic Relief Bake-Off.

Well, thanks for just bringing it up and not even asking

a question. That was...

Do you think you're going to do any better this evening?

Look, just because I didn't set out to bake stuff which was

pretty and edible - does that make me a bad cook?

I don't think so. I was colouring outside the lines.

There's no cooking tonight, is there, Jimmy? I don't think so.

Well, then I fail to see how it's relevant.

And you're pretty good at Countdown, right? No, I'm OK.

I'm all right with the words, I'm useless with the numbers.

That's where I come in. Yeah. Numbers.

I can't believe you're good at maths.

Yeah, I can count to 100, easy.

All in one go?

I take breaks.

I don't know if the mics picked up the sound of

me shitting my pants there.

Jon, if you had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

Do you know something I don't know?

I don't know, if I had 24 hours to live.

My tidying's all done, so...

Are you ready at any point?

I think, yeah, that's secretly what it's about.

Get everything tidy, and then you can die.

I mean, it's a busy time period for the Sky+ memory

at the moment, so I would like to get that, ideally,

up to 100% before I died.

You don't want to leave someone to do that,

to have to delete... "Is he going to watch

"these Countryfiles, or did he just...?"

"I think he was the kind of guy that watched..."

Where are you currently on your Sky memory?

What's your current figure? My wife's home a lot,

so we currently have below 30% memory, and... Wow.

..usually in that situation, I don't leave the house.

You must have so much fun.

She's a lucky lady, with an itchy trigger finger.

Channel 5, Babies Make You LOL.

I mean, not on the evidence they have shown so far.

Joe, this is your first time on Cats Does Countdown as

a player. Yes. How do you think you're going to do? Badly.

Because I'm not very good at spelling,

and I'm not very good at maths.

But you've been with Susie on numerous occasions. I have,

but I don't... Did she teach you nothing?

Well, she taught me lots, but it hasn't stuck.

The reason I wanted to avoid Dictionary Corner is,

the last couple of times I've been in Dictionary Corner,

clips of my performances have ended up on

lad-based Facebook pages.

LAD Bible, UNILAD, ChavLad.

And whilst I am an absolute lad, as you know...

OI-OI!

More like a choking seal.

How do YOU do it?

Well, I would sort of differentiate between the two

"oi"s, so ideally you want a little pause. OK.

OI!

OI!

Or, a good one is the, "ooey, ooey."

"Ooey, ooey." There you go.

Straight to Ibiza with you, young man.

So, the last time you were in Dictionary Corner,

you ended up on lads' sites?

I consider myself to be quite laddy, but the people

commenting on ChavLad don't think I'm that laddy.

Right.

So, basically, somebody that talks like me on ChavLad gets

the sort of response that you would get if you go to

a dinner party and say, "What do you think of Brexit?",

and then open a box of wasps.

So I'm trying to go under the radar.

Have you got a mascot this evening, Joe? Yes, I have.

So, one thing...

Every time I've been on this show, I always feel like

that clock goes quickly, and I don't trust it.

But who I do trust is Pam St Clement.

And this is a clock that I have in my bedroom,

and I trust it with my life, so I'll be using Pam as the timer.

Rather than GMT, it's PST - Pam St Clement time.

I didn't realise how sort of cat-like she looked.

Yeah, I mean, at 25 to 6, she starts to look a bit French.

Jon, have you got a mascot?

Yes, I've checked the Countdown rules, cos obviously,

two unknown elements here,

I didn't know how good you were going to be.

There's no rule against receiving help from the dead,

so I've brought in a ouija board.

I just think, "What could possibly go wrong?"

So, at various points tonight, I may go into a trance-like

state, and hopefully we'll get a bit of action.

It's got all the classic symbols on it - the letters,

the numbers, the sun and the moon, for when it's bedtime.

You need a ghost to tell you. And then when they've finished,

they're polite - they just say "goodbye," the ghosts.

Cos it takes a long time to spell "cheerio".

OK. David, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.

It's a close friend of mine.

It's a very special lady in my life.

She's like a kind of mother to me.

She's very kindly agreed to come on the show and be my

mascot. Ladies and gentlemen - Her Majesty the Queen.

APPLAUSE RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS

No direct questions, please,

because it costs more if she talks, OK?

Just come and... Jonathan, make some room.

She hasn't come for my OBE, has she? Can you sit...?

Go on the stool. You sit here, my love.

In you go, Your Majesty. Beautiful.

You look younger than you do on the stamps.

Again, I said, it's extra if she talks, so it's best...

You can make comments, but don't ask direct questions.

- Say nothing if Charles isn't going to get it when you die.

Oh, dear.

David, how long have you known the Queen?

Since I swum the Channel. That's when I first met her.

Wow. Yes. I swum the Channel.

If she met you then, you don't have to tell her that now.

That's when you met her, apparently.

I met you, do you remember? We met, and I'd swum the Channel.

I got invited to Buckingham Palace,

and I met Her Majesty there, and then we became friends,

and we talk on the phone most nights.

We text, and stuff.

Do you two hang out together? Oh, yeah.

Well, she'll just say, "Come over, I've got a movie.

"Let's just have pizza and watch Pretty Woman,"

that kind of thing, and we spoon sometimes, as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty the Queen.

Thank you very much. APPLAUSE

RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS

Very down to earth.

Jonathan, have you got a mascot?

I've brought a mascot in.

This isn't the mascot, in actual fact,

this is to demonstrate the mascot.

I should explain why I have this item with me, because

hopefully it's going to bring me luck,