SAS Rogue Heroes

What we stopped for?

My, uh, truck is running low on fuel

so the rest must be the same.

Permission to bring up the fuel trucks.

Tobruk is 120 miles.

We need to refuel.

Yes.

I know.

Right.

So you should give the order to bring up...

Oh, please tell me

that we brought...

petrol trucks with us on this convoy?

As a matter of fact, we didn't.

I've been watching my own fuel gauge moving inexorably toward empty

and I've worked out that what it must be, you see

is that the convoy has been fuelled with just enough petrol

for a journey of 500 kilometres.

Right.

But the journey from Cairo to Tobruk

is 500 miles, old boy.

Indeed.

There are Frenchmen, you see...

in the transport department.

Frenchmen, right.

That'll be it.

So we will not reach Tobruk

and the siege of Tobruk will not be relieved

and the bombs and the shells will continue to fall

and hundreds more men will die.

Yes. - Hm.

And, Stirling, I don't care who your father was.

You are supposed to address me as "sir".

Ah.

ENGINES SPLUTTER

Piss off.

HE YELLS

THUNDER RUMBLES

CAR HORN HONKS

MAN YELLS IN ARABIC

There will be another fuck-up by GHQ tomorrow!

BELL RINGS

Ah, yes, whisky.

I won!

I won, I won on a horse called "Smoky".

Girls didn't make it tonight because of the rain.

Oh...

invited to feel regret, he felt no regret.

I like you. D'you know why?

Because if I tell you a joke, you pretend that it's funny.

So here goes, why did the chicken not reach the end of the road?

HE CHUCKLES

Because...

it was a chicken who had volunteered for the Commandos

the British Commando Regiment

and so the order came down from GHQ

for the chicken to set off down the road.

The fucking road.

And so the chicken packed up his equipment, wanked off his reckless urges

prayed to God, got in his vehicle, set off down the road

and then there ahead, right ahead

at exactly 120 miles...

outside of Tobruk...

was the punchline of this very, very funny joke.

What punchline?

Oh, it's a British military secret.

HE CHUCKLES

So we are stood down, again.

So, the chicken stays in Cairo, goes to the races

it rains, and the girls didn't make it.

And you know something?

You hate this place.

I hate this peace.

But war, my friend...

is where you find it. Come on.

Bottle of Arak and two glasses.

Ah, pom.

Hey, Pom?

Any of you poms ever leave fucking Cairo?

Any of you Brits even seen an Italian yet?

Ah, Australians. I love Australia.

Wildlife and fauna...

designed by a lunatic.

Fuck you.

If the heats of hate and lust

in the house of flesh are strong

let me mind the house of dust

where my sojourn shall be long.

In the nation that is not, nothing stands that stood before

there revenges are forgot

and the hater hates no more.

And naked to the hangman's noose, the morning clocks will ring.

METAL SCRAPES

How's your colleague?

I hope I did no permanent damage.

Irish fucker.

Fucker, first and foremost.

Irish is a contributing factor perhaps

but in other times, I am a friend to the friendless.

Your colleague was being unpleasant to a smaller man.

It got my goat.

Well, we are about to be unpleasant to you.

You won't be using military policeman as a punchbag anymore.

You're a mental case.

No one'll be surprised to find you dangling in the morning.

And yon the gallows clank.

Well, if you want me to walk on air

yous are gonna have to find Naked Nick first.

Cos I'm used to uneven battles, boys, so...

begin your search.

EXPLOSION

Desert sores, dysentery, sand in your arse

sand in your eyes, sand in your lungs

sand in your Kidneys, sand in your foreskin...

all will be forgotten when the blood is up.

EXPLOSION - Take it.

Now... take a drink of rum.

EXPLOSION - MEN YELL

Drink, do not think.

Do not be yourself tonight.

Remember this.

When we are among them, your mother is not watching.

Let's move. - MORTAR WHISTLES

EXPLOSION

SOLDIERS CHATTER IN ITALIAN

Ten seconds, then mad.

Wild.

You even seen action?

Repeatedly stood down, I'm afraid.

Now, we've seen action. — Ooh, I'm sensing resentment.

You fucking arsehole.

And I understand it.

When one has faced danger

oh, it takes a long time to lose the animal rage.

Talks like a fucking typewriter.

The rain always does this to people. Why don't you leave him alone, huh?

Yeah?

We lost two good men.

Theft.

I'm afraid theft is something I cannot tolerate, but...

if we are going to engage

first, let me give you a small warning.

Now, I am a particular kind of soldier.

A commando.

I trained with other men like myself.

Some live only to fight and kill the enemy.

Others are careless of uniforms and will fight anyone at all.

There are mercifully few of us

but in war...

we are allowed to be the beasts that we are.

CANARY CHIRRUPS

We are taught to kill silently, and it becomes instinctive

almost like swallowing

and the cursed thing is, once learned

you can't unlearn it.

THUNDER RUMBLES — Do you understand?

CANARY CHIRRUPS

You shake hands with a man and you can't help...

but glance at his throat.

Every part of the body is an invitation

to be eagerly accepted, as a dog...

accepts a bone.

Eyes are for thumbs

to push into the brain.

Mouths can be torn open.

Necks are a gift...

MAN GRUNTS

God's ultimate mistake.

MAN YELLS - PADDY WHOOPS

Spoons, tea towels, cups of tea.

They are all weapons.

Everything you touch... - MAN WHIMPERS

Is a weapon. You are a weapon.

If our gentlemen generals had the sense to unleash us...

can you even imagine?

Ordinary men...

when they encounter us are... - MAN WHIMPERS

understandably reluctant to make our acquaintance

but if you really do insist.

Fuck!

Not my stop, boys.

Not my fucking stop.

Not today.

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah... we're just here for the girls.

My winnings.

Buy yourselves a drink, raise a toast.

To fallen comrades.

BARMAN CHUCKLES

Instead of spending a fucking year in Scotland climbing mountains

sleeping in ditches and strangling cattle

I should've just memorised that speech because it works every time.

HE SIGHS

Get me a whisky, old boy.

"It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day" by Arthur Askey

To whisky.

Morning, sir.

Sir.

FAN SQUEAKS NOISILY