American Dad!

# Good morning, USA! #

# I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day #

# The sun in the sky has a smile on his face #

# And he's shining a salute to the American race #

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #

# Good... # # Good morning, USA #

Aah!

# Good morning, USA! #

Hey, Mick! You damn drunk, wake up.

Wha...?

Morning. It's 6:00 a.m.,

and I can legally sell you alcohol again.

You'll always have a place to drink here,

you degenerate scumbag.

I'm with Beezus on this one, guys.

Ramona went into her room. No permission!

The sign said, "Do Not Enter."

Do not enter...

the kingdom of heaven!

Beezus is a Christ figure! Her name rhymes with Jesus.

It's right there!

Oh, hi.

Girl shoulders!

I'm Charlotte.

I-I just moved here.

This is a bit embarrassing...

but I'm required to go door-to-door

to notify all my new neighbors that I'm a registered...

sex offender.

Where are you registered,

and what have you still not received?

Wait. A-Are you saying you did stuff...

with boys?

Yeah.

Like, an insane amount of stuff.

I just want to say I won't be any trouble.

I mostly just stay home and watch the Spice Channel

and Cartoon Network, so if you guys ever want to come...

No. No, Charlotte!

Bad Charlotte!

I'm sorry.

I-I should go.

Oh, my God, do you know what this means?

We're gonna get laid!

And the Spice Channel is still profitable!

We got a... we got a big problem here, Roger.

Well, your problem keeps my lights on, Mick.

Oh, crap. Betsy! Keg change!

Where is that damn girl?

Bets!

Hey, uh, can I use your bathroom?

It's for customers only. Well, no, right,

I'm totally gonna get some food.

I just got to think about my order in the bathroom.

I said it's for customers only!

Now what?

Just a sec on that refill.

Hey, Roger, I'm going to yoga. You want to come?

They might play your favorite song.

Om... om... om...

Sorry, Francine, I'm working.

But I thought you had today off.

There are no days off when you're running a dive bar.

Roger, you can't keep going at this pace.

You're on your feet all day.

You've probably got varicose veins.

My veins are fine.

I hope you don't mind me interrupting,

but there is an alternative to all this hard work.

If this a pyramid scheme, don't say another word,

because I am in.

No. It's just that for a third-floor bar

only accessible after passing through a residential home,

you do a pretty brisk business.

And if you're willing to sell,

my company would be very interested.

Sell?

Sorry, what'd you say your name was?

Toby. Of course it is.

Look, Toby, there's only two things for sale here:

a sense of community

and the credit card information of people who pass out.

Hey, I see you with that TP!

I'll cut off your hands, you thief!

Roger, try to take it easy.

I'd love to chat, Franny, but I'm swamped

and I got to find Betsy.

I think she's dipping in the till.

I ain't till-dippin'! It was Clarence the Goat.

He says he paid for that salad.

So, once again, it's my word against his!

Okay, fellas, this is Charlotte's place.

Barry, toss this Frisbee into her backyard,

so we'll have an excuse to knock on her door.

Sports!

Okay.

Oh. Hello.

Oh, Charlotte! What a surprise.

We were just playing catch, and my friend here

accidentally threw your neighbor's New York Times

into your yard.

I'm sorry for the mess.

I still haven't found a gardener.

Do you boys know anyone willing to pick up a hoe

and just go to town?

Charlotte, careful.

Well, maybe we can be of service.

Okay. But it's just work, nothing else.

Just you and your smooth, hungry hands

rooting around in my backyard!

I see you. I'm coming with those pretzels.

Hole's jammed again.

Tuna Can Jerry?

Yeah, Tuna Can Jerry.

All right, let me get my tools.

And I just need you to sign here.

Whoa. Ted, these prices are double what they were last week.

I see you back there!

Wait, this isn't even what I ordered.

Yeah, well, all I got is this artisanal microbrew

from the Finger Lakes.

Apricot wheat?!

Tuna Can Jerry's late for his rehearsal dinner!

Hey! How about them pretzels!

Never gonna catch me!

Apricot wheat?!

My heart!

Oh, my God! Roger, are you okay?

Keep an eye on Betsy.

She's definitely stealing from the till.

No, I ain't.

I'm tired of you accusing my wife of stealing!

Meet me in the parking lot in five minutes!

Stop watching me switch characters, and call an ambulance!

Roger, you're awake.

Mr. Smith, please, stay in bed.

But I need to get back to the bar!

You need to rest.

That bar gave you a heart attack.

And if you keep up this pace, the next one'll be your last.

Don't leave us, Nana.

Do you mind keeping it down?

Ugh! Francine, just close the curtain.

I can tell by looking at them that they're the type to nod

like they understand, and then go right...

back... to talking.

Roger, I brought someone to see you.

Toby?

I'm not selling the bar! You better...

Aah! This is oxygen, not nitrous!

You see that oxygen spit take? First one to do it.

At death's door, still a trailblazer.

Roger, it's time.

Sell the bar.

You have so much more life to look forward to.

You'll carry on my vision, right?

The seatless toilet bowls?

The condom machine that eats quarters?

The homemade liquor license?

That dripping sound?

Roger, your vision is what I'm buying.

I guess this is it.

If you don't get that dead lady out of my room,

you are gonna have what I would refer to as a "Yelp Disaster."

Whoa, Roger, you made breakfast?

Sit, sit. I made eggs,

coffee and breakfast pork chops for you, Stan.

He did. I saw it.

I see everything.

Everything.

Roger, your heart. You should be taking it slow.

Nonsense. Just because I no longer own my bar

doesn't mean I can't serve.

So, Roger, any plans now that you're retired?

Well, I've got a list of everything I'd like to do

from now until I die neatly filed in a bucket.

Still working on a name for this bucket index.

"Basket index" is the working title.

Mmm! Oh, whoa, everything's delicious!

Thanks.

Okay, off to work.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, thanks for breakfast, Roger.

I got to get the kids to school.

Klaus, why don't you come along?

I'm in the mood for one of your classic anecdotes.

Oh, did I ever tell you about the time

I bounced a check for my girlfriend's abortion?

They had to put the baby back in.

And that baby...

was Shia LaBeouf.

I said I wanted to hear it in the car.

New life, here we go.

Okay, first thing: meditation.

Just got to close my eyes, clear my head,

and find my quiet place.

I'll come back to that one.

Great call on these Speedos, Snot.

The mere sight of us must be driving Charlotte crazy.

What do we do?!