Cruel Intentions

We've been waiting for you all summer,

and we're so glad you're finally here.

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is amateur hour.

Do you not understand that this is more than just door stack?

Twenty-eight percent of female senators were in sororities.

Did you know that?

Twenty percent from the House of Representatives.

Plus Nancy Walton before Walmart.

And you are all meant to be ushering in and welcoming our potential new members.

You are meant to be enticing them.

You are meant to be impressing them, but I am not excited by this.

I am not captivated by this.

Do you know what I am? Hmm?

I am embarrassed because half of you

are clapping in three-four time when clearly it's four-four.

And why, oh, why am I still hearing

Tanya's piercing little soprano like a goddamn dog whistle?

I have a deviated septum.

We all have deviated septums, Tanya.

Drop an octave or drop the fuck out.

- Sorry. - No, no. Do not apologize to me.

This is not about me.

This is about the rampant unprofessionalism that, let me be clear,

is not going to fly when Caroline gets here

because she is your president.

And we serve at the pleasure of the president.

CeCe.

Caroline.

- Thanks for the ride. - Of course.

I, too, serve at the pleasure of the president.

I don't understand.

You forgave Rourke?

- Why didn't you tell me? - You didn't ask.

So you and Rourke are back together?

All's well that ends well. I'm president, Jenny is not.

Plus, she conveniently decided to spend her senior year abroad in Madrid.

Or was it Moldova?

Moldova's, like, really dangerous.

So I've heard.

Well, good. That's good then.

Good for you and good for us.

Yes. It's a heel-clickin' good time all around.

Keeps our ties with Alpha Gamma strong, and...

I mean, now that Rourke's president too, you guys are like a power couple.

- Mmm. - Like the Clintons.

That's not the compliment you think it is, CeCe.

- You'd be Bill. - Still.

Everything's running smoothly?

Rush camp has officially started, and we expect to have a full

and final breakdown of potential new members by end of day.

And we've done a full-timed welcome day,

conversation day and preference day practices.

So now we're just choosing between themes,

which I have here if you want to take a look.

And, um, I will grease the squeaky wheel with the Welcome Girls.

I don't want you to worry about that.

This rush, your rush, is gonna go down in Delta Phi history.

If there is a rush at all.

Sorry?

I'm just saying it's strange you feel so confident about all of this,

given our current optics issue.

Optics issue?

- No, I took plantation night off. - This is not about plantation night.

Is it toga night?

You know, I didn't think that was cultural appropriation.

Unless... Are the Greeks easily offended?

Wait. We are the Greeks.

No, CeCe, I'm referring to the real, big picture,

rush-threatening optics issue that has nothing to do with fucking toga night.

Or have you completely forgotten about last year's spring formal?

You're so right.

Thank you.

- Oh. Mmm, that's nice. - Mm-hmm.

I can't believe I ran into you here.

What can I say? Nothing like a good hit-and-run.

Sounds like someone wants you.

What did we say about talking?

Well, that was nice.

Surprisingly.

Good idea. You go out first.

I always do.

Nice dress.

Thanks.

- Tell me your name again. - Kate.

Hi, Lucien.

Hey, Lucien.

Excuse me.

Name.

Beatrice Worth.

You're not on the list.

Why don't you get us some drinks, hmm?

A crab puff? A personality, maybe?

Thanks.

Some clambake, huh?

You look very good tonight.

I know I do, Blaise.

I look very good too, by the way.

How drunk are you?

Well, I want you to do terrible things to me till I beg you to continue.

So, very or not at all?

Say what you will,

but, uh, at this point in the night, I'd argue it's evolutionary necessity.

How Darwinian.

There's our little missing link now.

- CeCe, darling. - The candidate's been looking for you.

She has? I had no idea.

I texted you.

- Did you? - Yes. Like, a lot.

That's right.

We had a whole conversation.

I think we're in great shape. Don't you think we're in great shape?

I don't know, I've seen you in a swimsuit before.

Like, really strong.

Like, if we end up with even a fraction of what I think we will--

You'll be Dwayne "The Rock" fucking Johnson.

According to my numbers, we're leading by 26.

According to your fake numbers from your fake polling.

- Democracy is a beautiful thing, Blaise. - It is, isn't it?

Especially when you realize how easy it is

to get people to exercise their democratic rights exactly how you want them to.

What's this?

What's Rourke doing here with her?

Jenny Davenport.

Say, isn't she running against your girl?

He wasn't even supposed to be in town tonight,

let alone here at our victory lap, squiring around the competition

like a goddamn billboard for the opposition.

We're in a little twist about this, aren't we?

Did you know about this?

If my grandmother had wheels, would she be a bike?

What? I don't care about your grandmother. What am I supposed to tell Caroline?

It's about knowing how to game the system to get us what we want.

And trust me, I always get what I want.

You certainly do, dear sister.

Stepsister.

To your impending presidency, Sweet Caroline.

Ugh, don't call me that.

Can't think of anyone who'd deserve it less.

Delta Phi Pi won't know what hit 'em.

You smell like Ivory soap and desperation.

You've been off fucking a poor person.

Seems like someone's jealous

without her man of the moment around to see to her needs.

Excuse us.

Sorry to interrupt whatever this is, but we have a small issue.

How small?

On a scale of small to substantial, it's closer to substantial.

Tell me.

Rourke's here.

Rourke, my boyfriend, Rourke? That's great. Where is he?

Um, the thing is he didn't come alone.

- He brought Jenny Davenport-- - Shut up.

You know, who's running against you?

I said shut up, CeCe. That means stop talking.

And I get that. I just think that if we can have

an open dialogue right now, we could troubleshoot.

- Maybe-- - I need to speak with Rourke. Now.

Okay.

What do you think this means, realistically?

I mean, pulling something like this so close to the election.

Good ol' Rourke. What do we think? A horse head in his bed?

Okay. Hypothetically, is he cheating on you?

Did you break up? Or are you s...

Or we could do spiders?

That seems infinitely worse than a horse's head.

Just stop. Okay?

Or are you still together? But it's just that Alpha Gamma's

backing Jenny Davenport instead of you now.

It seems like he'd be afraid of spiders. The macho guys usually are.

Or we could do snakes. It's much more phallic.

I'm just saying, if they've jumped the fence, we could have real trouble--

- Right here in River City. - Can you shut up?

I'm just saying,

if it's more than a fidelity issue, it might be a problem.

CeCe, please stop talking.

Why me? What about him? He's not even being helpful.

Depends on what one finds helpful.

Did you know?

What does it mean to really know anything anyway these days?

Hazing? Here? So inappropriate.

Aw, I'm gonna miss this pledge class.

So young, so supple.

So eager to be tortured.

Hit Scott! Hit Scott!

See? This feels like an endorsement.

Or worse.

Get Scott!

Whoo!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God.

Should we call somebody?

- Scott! - He gonna be okay?

Well, this is an absolute disaster for me.

Can you tell me where you were during the spring formal last year?

All due respect? No.

Did you see anything unusual at the event? Any illicit activity?

Illicit or explicit?

Of an illegal nature.

Do we need a lawyer?

We're hoping for your cooperation.