Jeff Dunham: I'm With Cupid

- I'm funnier than he is, but they told me to introduce him.

Here's Jeff Dunham!

- Well, welcome to my Valentine's Day special and...

There are at least two things in this world

that I know are completely universal.

We all need love and laughter.

Audrey and I have now been married for 11 1/2 years,

and I, I am the luckiest man on the planet.

I say that every single day.

Yeah, and...

But now the world turns,

and I have twin boys, Jack and James.

They are eight years of age.

Yeah, thanks.

But you know, with the kids,

you never know what you're going to get.

There's some DNA mixed in with how you raise them.

No matter what you do, they could turn out

to be little shits anyway, so.

But at age eight, all kids are sponges.

You know, they hear stuff, and they repeat it

whether they should or not.

And if I had known earlier in life

than later in life I was gonna have more kids,

I might not have said some of the things I did

in some of my stand-up specials.

There's a couple of specials

where Peanut imitates porno music.

And I'm not kidding, I don't know how many times I've caught

James walking through the house all by himself,

And you know I'm gonna get that call from school.

"Mr. Dunham, James has been imitating pornographic music."

I'm like, "oh, yeah, he got that from his mom.

I have no idea where that came from, so."

Speaking of love, are you guys ready for

the little people in the boxes?

All right.

In classical mythology, Cupid is the god of desire,

erotic love, attraction, and affection.

So ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome Cupid.

Shut the hell up.

You know how much I hate you right now.

- Hello, Cupid. - I'm Walter, damn it.

- Yeah, but tonight you're supposed to be Cupid.

- I'd rather be working at Walmart.

Just play along.

Just play along.

- So Valentine's Day is a busy time for you, isn't it, Cupid?

This qualifies as elder abuse.

It looks like you're ready to

get to work for Valentine's Day. Are you feeling OK?

- No, I'm half naked and my nipples are chapped.

And what kind of costume is wings and Depends?

These lights are too bright. Put my sunglasses on.

You want sunglasses?

Put on the damn sunglasses.

It's too bright out here.

Whatever, just put 'em on me.

Oh, you're gonna blind me.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- There. - Oh, ah, much better.

Look, Ray-Bans and Depends.

I'm Joe Biden!

I'm president and I can't get up.

Will you stop?

Walter... - Ah, come on.

Folks say I look like him all the time.

- Yeah, they do. - Yeah, they're like,

"are you Joe Biden?"

I wouldn't want to disappoint them,

so I say, "I don't know," and they believe me!

- I'm taking these off. - Well, that was easy.

- So as Cupid, your job is to go around

shooting arrows into people's hearts,

which then makes them fall in love, right?

- Yeah, yeah. Love, lust, whatever you want to call it.

- Oh. So what's the difference between love and lust?

50 bucks.

Less in certain parts of Florida.

Oh.

Yeah, and why do you shoot arrows?

- I don't know, TSA took my Glock.

How about that?

- Let's talk about relationships.

- Oh, I am an expert on that. - OK.

So how should a man approach a woman he's attracted to?

- From the rear. - No.

- And with the size of some of the asses these days,

that could be considered a long distance relationship.

- So, Cupid, aren't greeting cards a good way

of expressing your love for someone?

- Oh, sure, yeah, greeting cards are good for anybody.

In fact, I've written a few myself.

- Some greeting cards? Can you recite a couple for us?

Sure.

- Do you have one for longtime married couples?

Oh, absolutely. Here we go.

"Our love all these years has been a blissful occurrence.

I wish you would die so I could collect the insurance."

- No. - OK.

How about one for younger couples?

- Younger couples, great. - OK.

"Meeting you was amazing luck,

and I think of that most each time that we..."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- "Have dinner." What did you think I was gonna say?

You're a bad man.

So how is your love life?

- Oh, you mean me as Walter and...

and with the wife? - Yeah.

- Well, things are different at our age.

- I'm sure. - Yeah.

We're actually kinkier now.

- OK, I don't want to hear about it.

- Yeah, now she offers me the choice:

teeth in or teeth out.

Trust me, you'll see. - OK.

Well, I'm glad you're happy.

I didn't say that.

- Do you ever tell your wife that you love her?

Of course I do.

- How often do you tell her? - Once.

- A day? - A year.

- Well, that's not very much. - It adds up.

- I guess you tell her on Valentine's Day?

- No. - Mother's Day?

- No. - Christmas?

April Fools'.

I'm kidding. - Good.

- Yeah, I tell her every February 29th.

- Let's talk about romance. - Oh, great.

- All right. Just some simple things.

Do you and your wife ever watch movies together?

- Yeah, she wants to watch our wedding movies.

- That's nice. - I can't do it.

- Why not? - I know what happens next.

- So when you proposed, did you get down on one knee?

Yeah, I had to.

I didn't want to look her in the eye.

Say, I got a joke-joke for you.

What does Disney World have in common with Viagra?

I don't know, what?

- An hour-long wait for a two-minute ride.

- You're not gonna start telling joke-jokes now,

are you? - Oh, sure.

I'll do some wife jokes and get you canceled.

- Walter... - Hang on, hang on.

My wife is so ugly.

Crowd: How ugly is she?

- She sat on her iPhone and it unlocked.

That's butt ugly.

- We got it. - OK.

Calm down, though, it's not one sided.

- How's that? - Every Valentine's Day,

she gets me sweetheart candies with sayings on them.

Oh, like "be mine"?

- No, no. "Do not resuscitate."

I will say, though,

we did go to a marriage counselor one time.

- You did? - Oh, yeah.

He said I should take my wife out

and treat her like I did on our first date.

- Sounds like a good idea. - Yeah.

So I took her to dinner, felt her up,

then dropped her off at her parents' house.

- But despite that kind of stuff, the love life is OK?

Yeah, we do our best.

We tried role playing with a little French maid outfit.

Ooh, how'd that go?

Uh, she said it was too tight.

- Ah. - And my accent was bad.

See, I put the maid outfit on.

They got it.

- And then I had her put it on. - OK.

Not because it was sexy.

I thought she might... - Walter.

- Finally... - Walter.

- Do some... - Walter.

- Fucking housework. - Walter!

You really are trying to get me canceled.

- No, I'm trying to get my fucking house cleaned.

Please!

Say good night, Walter.

Thanks, Tampa Bay!

Thanks, Walter.

- This next guy is from somewhere down south

in the U.S.

Please help me welcome Bubba J.

- How you doing Bubba J? - I'm doing purdy good!

- So what's been going on with you lately?

- Well, last week I went to my best friend's wedding.

- That's nice. - Yeah.

It was a combination wedding and gender reveal party.

- Oh. - Yeah.

He was very happy to find out that she really was a woman.

Yeah, always a nail-biter, right, guys?

- And how's your family? - They're all good.

- Yeah, and, uh, what's your wife's name?

Uh...

Bubba J?