30 Rock

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I also bought this. A chinese knockoff of your book.

What?

"dealbreaker: the book for you man no good,by lesbianyellowsourfruit.

" so,uh,what do you need from me?

Ah,well,our new cast member starts today.

Oh,of course,the robot. I liked him.

We don't know anything about him.

I don't think his real name is partybot.

I don't know what he looks like. I don't know what he talks like.

I certainly don't know if he can act.

Lemon,what did you once say to me about acting?

Just hit your marks,stay in your light,

and do the same thing every take for continuity.

See? Anyone can do it.

Miss lemon,security called. Our new actor just checked in.

He'll be on six in a couple minutes.

Let's go introduce ourselves.

This is so exciting.

Maybe we should practice the welcome song i distributed.

?makin' a new friend ??sure ain't easy ??

and that's how two become one ?

lemon,do you have any plans for dinner tonight?

I do,i bought an activia microwavable panini.

Good god,have dinner with me.

- Just the two of us? - Yes. - Okay.

Hey,jackie d.

I hope the new dude isn't impossible to work with,

like some people i know.

- I hope he's educated. - I hope he hates toofer.

I hope he likes janitor hugs.

Somebody's coming.

Oh,no. Is that the new guy?

What? No,it's me,lutz.

I've worked here for three years.

I gave you that car i won.

Come on.

Hi. I think i'm supposed to be on tv.

Jack donaghy. Good to see you again.

Oh,hey. I'm jack... Baker.

So guess there's two jacks here now.

I don't think there are.

Welcome aboard... Danny.

Hi,danny. I'm liz.

Did he just change my name?

Let's go look at your dressing room... Danny.

He looks like all the guys in my magazines.

This is unbelievable.

Last week,i was just a street performer making 50 bucks a day

and getting memory loss from all the silver paint fumes,and now i'm... Um...

- You're on tgs. - I'm on tgs?

This is unbelievable! I haven't done any real acting

since i was in that high school football movie back in ottawa.

You're canadian?

All right,hosers,i want all 12 of us fighting for every meter on all three downs!

We're gonna make this a boxing day the prime minister will never forget!

Okay,well,you don't have zero experience.

I just don't want to screw up.

Like,what do you wish you'd known on your first day here?

Oh,well,don't eat prop food.

They spray something on it that messes you up.

Hello,mr. Baker.

I'm kenneth,one of the nbc pages.

I'm going out to get miss maroney and mr. Jordan's lunch.

And what would you like?

Oh,thanks. I'll probably just go grab something later.

Can i get you anything while i'm out?

Yad sdrawkcab tsuj s'ti sseug i,yako. **

30 ROCK Season 4 Episode 05

??okay,here's one.

You can have the powers of superman for an entire year,

but you can only have one sexual partner for the rest of your life.

Two questions: must i live by superman's moral code,

and will the sex woman get older?

- Yes and yes. - Forget it. No deal.

I don't want your sleeve to catch on fire.

Why would my sleeve catch on fire?

You know me well,sir.

I often know what you're going to do before you do it.

- What am i going to do next? - What am i going to do next?

Speaking of which,i made some calls.

And there's interest in a dealbreakers talk show with you hosting.

Spit take. Are you serious?

Absolutely. You're becoming a commodity.

I say we book the studio,shoot the pilot,

and take it from there what do you think?

Wow,okay. Let's do it.

- i knew you would say yes,lemon. - i knew you would say yes,lemon.

Hey,pete,i have question.

Is camera left my left or my right?

Here's some advice,danny.

Learn as little as you can.

'Cause when you know things,people ask you to do things.

And then everyone starts coming to you with their problems.

That's why when someone comes to me with something i don't want to deal with,

i say,"oh,no,my kid's sick," and take off.

You have any kids? No.

I mean,i pretty much raised my little sister,

'cause my mom ...that must have been hard.

no,my kid is sick.

A dealbreakers talk show? That's amazing,liz.

Liz lemon,you are blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.

Who else are you meeting with?

What do you mean?

You know,like producers and agents.

No onei'm doing it with jack. For sheinhardtuniversal.

Liz,you can't just go with the first person who comes along.

I know,because i've been burned.

Do you remember when i was first starting out,

and i signed a tenyear deal with that karaoke machine company?

??when i first got big,i made bad business decisions too.

Which is how i got stuck having to plug wade bogg's carpet world

five times whenever i appear on screen.

You have to plug what?

Wade bogg's carpet world.

Wade bogg's carpet world. Wade bogg's carpet world.

Liz,jack would never take a first offer,right?

He's taking advantage of your relationship.

He knows you're special,like a black stripper with blue eyes.

You have to test the marketplace.

But i already told jack that i would do it with him.

Did you sign anything?

Then he'll understand. It's business.

I'm gonna set you up with someone at my agency

and make sure that you do this right.

And one last piece of advice,liz lemon,

from someone that's been on this side of the business for a long time.

Wade bogg's carpet world.

That was actually good advice.

From now on,i shall call us the problem solvers.

Yo,ken. Do you have a problem that needs solving?

Actually,i do.

Mr. Baker wants to do everything for himself.

I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.

Sounds like a job for the problem solvers.

We'll talk to danny for you.

Lemon,i was just going to call you.

The guy who came up with this thing for arsenio hall

wants to create a signature arm gesture for our talk show.

I was thinking something like this.

About the talk show...

While i am very thankful for your offer,

i think i maybe should take a couple other meetings before committing to anything.

Like you said,i'm a commodity now.

My book is number 14 on the nonfiction bestseller chart,

right behind the founding fathers' diet.

So... I'm signing with an agent and exploring my options.

I see.

Well,if that's how you feel about it.

Good luck in the marketplace.

Obviously,this is nothing personal.

I just want to be thorough.

That's okay,right?

All right,then. Great meeting.

Raise your hand if you're cool with what's happening.

Not too late to raise your hand.

Cerie,if you need me,i'll be at a meeting with my new agent.

Oh,he called to confirm your lunch,

but i told him you'd already eaten a weird panini.

That was no.

Just,heh,call him and tell him i'm on my way.

- Do i look okay? - That's exactly how you look.

There she is! The dealbreaker! Simon barrons.

- You're an agent? - Uh,junior agent.

Um,uh,full disclosure: until now,i've mainly represented dogs,

but seeing as how we're both embarking on a new phase in our career performing,

representing humans and monkeys i want you to know that i'm hungry.

And i would do anything for you.

My clients are more important to me than my own mommy.

Okay,good. I need someone that i can count on.

I'm... Kind of alone out here in the marketplace.

I get it,i get it. That's what i'm here for.

Um,okay,let's get your face out there,take some meetings.

There's jack donahee at nbc.

Donaghy. Already met. Who else?

Do you know who scottie shofar is?

Oh,yeah,he's the guy that produces THAT DUMB SPORTS SHOW THAT ALWAYS BEATS US.

Yeah,you're talking about sports shouting.

- Okay,let's meet with him. - Absolutely.

Now,i don't know him,

but a former client of mine once buried a bone in his backyard.

We go looking for that bone,

it's like,"oh,mr.Shofar,what's up?

My client has got an idea for a talk show.

" oh,no,i got the hiccups.

Danny,around here,we're known as the problem solvers.

Always have been,always will be.

And we think you could use a little guidance.

Yes,please.

I don't even know where the bathrooms are around here.

It's not about the room,danny.

It's about the man.

Any room you see around here with a door,

you make it your bathroom.

You're an actor now. You're special.

And taking advantage of kenneth is part of it.

It's what he's here for.

Look,i'm just trying to keep my head down and suppress my canadian accent.