King of the Hill

Twenty biology quizzes and not one smiley face.

Their grades are plummeting even faster than I did

when I fell out of that airplane.

Uh, Peggy, remember, the therapist said

to go easy on your spine.

You may want to shorten your back swing

on those checkmarks.

Hank, the best therapy for my back

will be lifting my third straight substitute teacher of the year award

high above my head in triumph!

Falling from that plane may have broken my spine,

but it could not break my teaching bone.

No, not even if one existed.

Uh, Mom, I think you're using the English key

to mark the bio tests.

Oh! Um, well, yes.

Oh, I am not used to teaching so much non-Spanish.

Come on, Peggy Hill, rookie mistake.

Get it together.

Uh-oh. I don't have the bio answer key.

Bobby, find me a frog.

Uh-huh.

Well, I would suggest you bleed out the excess pressure

in the bypass line because if you don't have--

Is that a business call, Hank?

Uh, not strictly, no.

Hank, when was the last time you took a day off?

Well, I took a day off when Bobby was born,

but I wasn't really sick.

I meant to tell you. It just slipped my mind.

I did come in that Saturday.

What? You get the hell out of here, Hank.

I'm getting squeezed by some insurance company pencil stain

who claims working too long without a vacation

can make you sloppy,

and when you're sloppy in the propane biz,

people die, and then my premiums go up.

Sloppy?

I challenge him to find one single mistake...

Whoa, whoa, Hank. Just take some time off.

See you in two weeks.

Couldn't I just take my vacation at my desk?

No!

Teaching band today, are you?

You know, after you win substitute of the year this time,

they might just rename it "The Hill trophy."

Oh.

I can't suggest that, Hank.

You'd have to suggest that.

Well, I sure do have the time.

This whole not working thing is going to give me a heart attack,

I tell you what.

God, that'd be embarrassing.

"Hank Hill found dead, not working."

Well, I wish I could stay and help,

but until they invent a machine

that can stand in front of a band and keep the beat...

...I am needed.

Hmm.

Mm?

- Yep. - So what'd you guys do?

Any shaves today, Bill,

- or just haircuts? - Well...

How's that new belt working out, Boomhauer?

-(mutters) - Dale, you kill any bugs?

Did I?

- No. - Yeah! I did.

It fell in the big jar of blue stuff

where I keep my combs.

Was it small like an ant or crafty like a fly?

I... I'm not sure.

Fly.

I'd come by tomorrow to pick it up,

but my plate's full.

Situation with a termite, possibly more than one.

Termites?

Well, maybe you could use an extra set of hands.

Wingo! But you got to chip in for gas.

And poison.

Here is the beauty of tenting.

Ground zero's officially hot for a week.

It takes two days to spray.

The rest of the time, it's your own private playhouse.

Go on. Take a spin on the bidet.

Or did you think it was a water fountain?

I did.

I'm going home, Dale.

I shouldn't even have let myself sit

on a stranger's toilet lid.

Man, this guy's got bad eyesight.

So tell me about your day.

How was, uh...

math?

We were doing conversions on the overhead projector

and Mrs. Hosner erased her mistakes with spit.

Oh. Huh.

Well, what'd you do before math?

That's my new favorite class. Shop.

Shop?

Bobby, from now on, when I ask, "How was your day?"

I mean, "How was shop?"

Oh, it's great.

Our regular teacher eloped with the lunch lady,

so until the two of them get back from Branson,

Principal Moss is having us use shop as a study hall.

We don't have to make anything.

What? Hold on, son.

Now I want you to tell me again slowly.

What happened to shop?

You look so tired, Aunt Peggy.

It's not a pretty look.

Well, there is no rest for a substitute teacher, Luanne,

except for ten minutes every hour and 45 minutes for lunch.

I'm a pre-education major.

Maybe I could be a substitute teacher.

Oh. Luanne.

Honey, I was not laughing at you.

I was laughing at the idea.

I'm sorry, Hank.

The school board will not authorize

the funding for a substitute shop teacher.

Heck, we can't even afford to fix a dent in the gym floor

where coach had his little fit.

You know, I remember a fella in my eighth grade shop class.

Pretty handy with the coping saw, nice guy.

His name was Carl Moss.

What ever happened to him?

Got married, had kids, responsibilities.

Things change, Hank.

Well, one thing hasn't changed. Kids need shop.

Well, who's going to teach them?

The only man handier with a coping saw than Carl Moss.

Jack Schermer?

What? Jack was all flash.

I coped circles around...

Me! I'll teach shop, and I'll do it for free.

Okay, Hank.

But with your wife already a substitute teacher here,

just keep the bitterness and the "he said, she said"

out of my school.

We have a very good marriage.

Then I don't want to catch you two making out in the teachers' lounge.

You won't!

So, uh, should I have the students call me Mr. Hill or Hank?

Oh, good lord.

And I thought I dodged a bullet when Luanne wanted to teach.

Are you comparing me to Luanne?

Hank, sit down.

I'm going to do for you

what, at the beginning of my career, I did for me.

Create a unified theory of education.

Now, teaching can be divided

into seven spectras.

The salutatory, the attendatory,

pedagogary...

Wait. Let's see. How's it go? Uh, wait.

Sir Arnold Prefers dining...

"D." Oh! Disciplinaria.

Which brings us to Sanitaria.

Uh...

Everybody looks pretty clean.

Guess we could empty the trash.

-(chair creaking) - Hmm.

Uh, son, could you stand up a minute?

Cool.

Is that a switchblade?

No, uh, it's a multi-tool.

But it does have a saw.

What else does it have?

Well, it has a file,

a serrated sheepsfoot blade, a lanyard ring,

you know, the usual.

And for our purposes now, a Phillips head.

Hey, do that thing again.

What? This?

Hey, what were you kids working on

before they made this a study hall?

Birdhouses.

Let's see them.

Uh-huh.

Hmm.

Okay, Joseph.

Well, I don't see any reason

your father needs to find out about this.

You know, birds can build their own houses.

They're called nests.

But I've never seen a bird build a boomerang or a dartboard.

Okay, everyone, put on your goggles.

Now, remember, everybody,

goggles might make you look cool,

but they're also part of proper safety attire.

I have this one student, kind of a troublemaker.

He likes to leave his rabbet plane lying blade-down,

but a project like this mini-foosball set might just turn him around.

So, can I assume that my lesson plan got an "A"

or is your highest grade an A-plus?