The Opening of Misty Beethoven

Tremendous!

Outrageous! Great!

Fantastic!

Tremendous!

Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Excuse me. My gum was in front of you.

How do you know that was yours?

I???'?

Five seats in! Five's my lucky number. You American?

- Most of the time. - Want a no-frills?

- What's a no-frills? - Five bucks for a hand-job.

- Could we be a little less public? - Fifty bucks. One hour.

- Make it a little less. - Okay. Thirty-five.

- Good. - And ten for the room.

- And five for the soap and towels. - Well, that's fifty dollars!

Take it or leave it.

- Deal. - I'll meet you outside in ten minutes.

- Ten minutes? - Ten minutes. I have to meet Napoleon.

- Napoleon? - Napoleon!

Hi! You're right on time!

We can go over there.

- You want the private room? - Nothing less!

100 francs. Merci.

Listen! I do a straight fuck. I don't take it in the mouth.

I don't take it in the ass. And I don't take it in the bed.

- Straight fuck. - But I do a terrific hand-job.

That appeals to you more?

If you take a hand-job, I'll give you ten dollars back.

What would you give back if you didn't have to do anything at all?

Are you one of those freaks from the embassy?

No, I'd just like to ask you a few questions.

Like what?

Well, for instance, at what price would you agree to suck someone off?

I'd clean floors first.

Then we can safely assume that...

There are a lot of people in this world. And some dig it, and some don't.

- Would you show me your asshole? - What?!

Do you leave your bathroom door open when you have guests?

You can get the fuck out of here!

Don't be hasty.

- That sounds familiar. - What?

My God, it's Geraldine!

Geraldine!

Seymour!

What the fuck are you doing in Paris?

Paris is the only place to recover from a Lawrence Layman party.

- I was there! Were you there? - One minute.

I'm gonna come!

Well done.

- Do you have 100 francs? - Oh, sure.

Actually, I don't remember if I was at the party. But I should have been.

- Are you through here? - No! Come with me! Look!

This is something you really will not believe.

My little temptress, this is Geraldine Rich,

who is both very Geraldine and very rich.

And she would like you to give her some head.

- Oh my God. - Just a little suck between strangers!

Stop saying that!

You're the most disgusting pair I've met since I started making money in this business.

You should return every penny you've made since you started in this business.

Or give a rebate, like the car companies.

- I do my job. - You do?

My clear, you are the absolute nadir of passion.

The most unexciting thing God has ever created.

A sexual civil-service worker.

Nobody needs to read my last book more

or deserves to be in my next book less than you.

- What book is that? - The Annals of Passion.

- I'll send you a copy. - You don't know my address.

I'll send it to the seat in the movie theater.

Oh Seymour! She's only trying to get ahead in the world!

Does the book really work?

- You may be the exception. - Seymour, help her!

Well, I could if anybody could.

I could make her the Goldenrod Girl!

The Goldenrod Girl? Seymour, you go too far.

No! I could do it! The Love Lessons could do it.

Do what?

Make you Lawrence Layman's old lady at the next party he throws.

- Who's Lawrence Layman? - You're off to a good start, Seymour!

- I could do it. - Bet you.

- What? - My soul, Dr. Love,

and my commitment to publish the result.

You're on!

You want a job?

There's something about you that's not quite right.

I don't know.

Okay. See you in the movies!

Buy yourself some popcorn.

I gotcha all to myself for one hour, baby.

HEY! Hey, wait for me!

Good night!

I changed my mind. I'll go with you!

Okay.

- What's your name? - Misty Beethoven.

Is that your real name?

No, it's not. I took it to sound more important.

- What was it before? - Dolores Beethoven

I should have guessed.

Well, I hope you like flying!

Now... who gets the vodka?

I do.

And the Bloody Mary? Right.

- It'll be strange to be back in the States. - First trip?

- Excuse me, Do you think the pilot would give me some head? - No, I tripped with my brother when I was 16.

- I don't know. I'll ask him as soon as we're through with the dinner service. - It was at a dance. I learned a lot from that trip.

Thank you.

Well... you're gonna learn a lot from this trip.

Now, the Goldenrod Girl is the invention of Lawrence Layman.

Unlike some titles like Cunt of the Year or Ballbreaker of the Century,

the Goldenrod Girl is chosen informally and spontaneously.

Now, sometime during the next three or four months,

the period will begin where he's going to want to make some kind of a splash.

So, he'll announce the most exciting new girl of the season.

Usually a jet-setter. Sometimes an actress.

Once, they had a politician's daughter, but that's very rare.

I think that the time is right for a complete unknown.

- That's me? - No.

- No? - No.

It WILL be you.

Okay, let's get you undressed.

No, no, no. You don't do it yourself.

You don't know how, for one thing.

And for another thing, when a man undresses a woman he gets a certain amount of pleasure from that.

Or, if she undresses solely for him, he gets a certain amount of pleasure from that also.

Misty, it is your job to learn to develop in yourself

the instinct to convert a trivial act, a mundane routine, a daily chore

into something stimulating, creative, and above all communicative.

I think men stink.

Well... they think you stink.

In fact, it's one of the most perfectly balanced equations in nature.

Whenever you see that, it's a triumph!

You say to yourself, look: I made that. It comes at my request.

- It's my pride. - And sometimes a woman has to swallow her pride.

Can you make a man come when you want?

I think so.

Well, you're going to make three men come simultaneously.

Why?

It'll give you confidence.

The erotic impulse is like rain.

And as it seeps down the water table of sexual custom

it becomes less intoxicating and less potent.

It seeps down, social class by social class, floor by floor

step by step, until it reaches... the basement.

- Fuck you! - Nope. Fuck them.

Misty, never forget the cardinal rule.

As Hyman Mandell once said,

Never let the fact that they are doing it wrong stop you from doing it right.

- Who is Hyman Mandell? - I don't know.

I read that on the men's room wall at the New York Athletic Club.

Misty, now remember. Most women stop sucking at the moment of orgasm.

That, however, is when the real woman just begins to suck.

And one, and two. And in and out.

- When do we show her? - Soon... but not too soon.

Remember: The play is the thing wherein I'll catch the hardon of the king.

Lawrence Layman.

The man who gave the world the magazine Goldenrod,

right where it deserves.

You know, you're selfish.

You know you're self-obsessed.

You know you're an egomaniac.

You know your magazine stinks?

You know, you're not as bright as everyone thinks you are.

You know, you're not so talented.

You know you have a gray hair?

A gray hair? What the fuck are you talking about I got a gray hair? Where?

You know, she did okay.

What's the artful dodger thinking of now?

Get to the battle early! Nelson said that.

- Lord Nelson? - No, Nelson Eddie. In Naughty Marietta.

- Why get to the battle early? - So you can leave early. How do I know!

- Let's go to Rome. - We can stay at my place!

- I can confirm your return on that date. - That's wonderful.

The destination is New York, and that's first class?

- Correct. - Which part of First Class?

- Sex or non-sex? - Sex.

First Class sex non-smoking or First Class sex smoking?

First Class sex non-smoking.

First class sex non-smoking adult film or first class sex non-smoking family film?

Oh, First Class sex non-smoking adult film.

First class sex non-smoking adult film vegetarian, Kosher, or regular meals?

Regular meals.

Are you a fucker or mostly interested in a little head?

- Just a little head. - Very good.

That's three seats, Cascade flight 111, destination New York.

First Class, sex, non-smoking, adult film, no special meals,

interested in a little head and a lot of pleasure. Happy landing.

Thank you.

Okay, let's see. We have one dinner, a brandy, two blow-jobs and a headset, right?

Excuse me, but I had one blow job and I haven't gotten my brandy yet.

Oh, okay. Look, you've charged him here for two blow-jobs and a brandy.

Now, he's only had one blow-job and he hasn't gotten his brandy.

Oh, excuse me. Just let me get rid of these things, okay?

Madam? Excuse me.

Madam? Madam?

Madam?

- Yes? - Are you holding a first class ticket?

No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.

I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to return to the coach section.

Could you wait one minute, please?