Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

Community leader.

They all know me... You like my suit?

Number one - Citizen Khan.

Hia! Sweetie!

Can't a man have some privacy?

It's Shazia's dinner tonight. Others need the bathroom.

But it's my day off!

Day off from what?

I'm a busy community leader, my darling!

I'm always on the go.

Today I am doing absolutely nothing.

I'm having a long soak

and then spending the rest of day in my armchair in my birthday suit.

What?

In the pyjama suit I got for my birthday.

Right. You know the bath is still leaking? We have to call a plumber.

Plumbers cost money, sweetie.

Mrs Tawfiq uses a really nice Polish man. Maybe you'll call him?

No! Not Polish!

We need to keep Britain British!

I'll get a Pakistani in.

Fine, but do it today.

But it's my day off!

We'll just stop having baths.

What am I supposed to do?

You can use my water.

It's a good English tradition.

Just like Victorian times.

BUBBLING

I'm going to make my aloo keema tonight.

Nice and spicy. Is that OK?

Oh, yes, please!

That's great, Mum. Don't make it too spicy, though. Matt and Debbie don't like it.

I'm going to ask Debbie to be my maid of honour. Ah, that's nice.

Now we've put the wedding date to next year, we want to get really organised, don't we, budhoo?

Yes. It's going to be my dream wedding.

And Shazia's.

And you won't fight with Amjad's mum, will you?

No, of course not.

Don't worry, beti, we won't do anything to embarrass you.

Dad!

What? Er...

This is my birthday gift from my favourite daughter, sweetie.

I gave you socks!

I know.

Please promise me you're going to change by tonight.

You can't show me up in front of Matt and Debbie!

Oh, not Matt and Debbie!

What's so special about those two?

She's my best friend. And my boss.

And...I'm going to ask her to be my bridesmaid.

Shazia, we Pakistanis don't have bridesmaids.

In our culture, your bride becomes your maid -

your housemaid, chambermaid...

teasmaid.

It's our wedding, and I can have a bridesmaid if I want.

And so can I!

This is my house. And it's my day off.

And if I want to sit in my armchair

in my birthday suit

in all my glory, then I can.

Why do you think I never bring any friends home?

Because no-one likes you?

Don't be so grumpy! She's just excited about her wedding.

Remember how exciting our wedding was?

It was so romantic... the sun setting over the hills,

the call to prayer echoing around the minarets,

the smell of spices hanging in the hazy air.

Yes, there's nowhere quite like the Walsall Trusthouse Forte.

Oi! Bugs Bunny! Lakey ow a cuppee et biscoot.

I'll get them, Mummy.

Come on, move.

Nahin!

This is my chair! Move!

You got the whole sofa there!

Let me have my chair.

Come on. Nahin!

You want biscoot?

Eh? You like that, don't you?

It's your favourite. Custard creamy.

Haan.

It's right here.

You just have to reach out and take it.

It's OK. I'll stand all the way over here.

Yes! Get in! Allah hu Akbar!

Here you are.

Here, Papaji, I brought you a newspaper.

Thank you, Alia. Such a good girl!

This one is absolutely perfect.

Nothing she could do would ever disappoint me.

That's good, because my exam results have arrived.

I hope she hasn't done badly.

She won't have done badly!

She's studying at the library till all hours.

Sometimes she doesn't get back till two or three in the morning!

What does "E" stand for?

I think it's short for excellent.

Vah!

She got Es?!

No, only one E.

Oh, thank God!

The rest are "U"s.

What's that? Unbelievably good?

It means she failed them.

We'll have to send her to the New Muslim Academy.

They'll sort her out.

No, not the New Muslim Academy! She can't go there!

Why not?

They got boys there.

So?

So...we need to protect her.

Alia is an innocent flower.

She knows nothing of the ways of the world.

This is our daughter's education we're talking about.

Don't you remember what you promised me when Alia was born?

What do you mean?

Snippy, snippy?

No! You promised you'd do whatever it took

to give her all the opportunities we never had.

You're right, I'll do it!

You might want to get changed first!

Salaam Aliekum, Mr Khan.

Weleikum Asalaam, Riaz.

Salaam Aliekum!

Omar. Where's Dave?

He's not here. It's an inset day.

What's that? Gingerspeak for skiving?

Amjad, get on computer. OK, sir!

I've decided to send the good daughter to the New Muslim Academy.

You have to pay to go to the Muslim Academy, though.

I always say... you can't put a price on education.

That is true. When I was a young boy in Somalia,

I had to walk seven miles to school every morning.

And in the evening, I would walk seven miles back home again.

Every week, I walked five times two times seven miles.

Which is ten times seven miles.

Which is 70 miles.

So?

You must know your times tables.

Education is important. I'm doing evening classes at the moment.

Plumbing for beginners. I got to get out of the funeral game.

Why's that?

People are living longer. It's a dying business.

Hey! You can come round and fix my bath.

It would be good practice for you! We haven't done baths yet.

Relax - it's just like a big sink!

You can come round today.

I don't know.

It's all right. I won't charge you. OK, thanks.

This is it, sir.

Vah! What do you think?

Looks impressive, huh?

Hai, it certainly does.

Right, let's see... fees, fees, fees, fees...

Hai!

What is it, sir?

Nothing. It's just a little bit more than I expected.

How much is it?

£4,000 a year!

Oh, my!

Not per year - per term.

But that means it's...

Three times four. That's £12,000.

But I can't afford that!

You said you can't put a price on education.

Well, they're giving it a bloody good go!

You could try somewhere that does scholarships.

No, no, no! We are Muslims!

I'm not sending my daughter to an over-priced, snooty-snotty, hoity-toity

Hogwarts school for English peoples.

"Scholarship" means they pay the fees for you.

Amjad, get out of the way!

Come on, come on! The lady said the headmaster will be here in a minute.

What are we doing here?

We're getting private education Pakistani-style...

free!

But how can I get a scholarship? I've failed my exams.

Exams got nothing to do with it.

What?

You are young. You don't understand how the world works.

Your father will speak to the headmaster man to man.

The scholarship will be in the bag, and everything is tickety-boo!

I don't know if I'll fit in here, Papaji. Alia...

we are just as good as anyone else.

You hold your head high. Be proud of who you are.

But I thought this place was only for Catholics.

What?

Anscombe College - it's a Catholic school.

Oh, twaddi!

Alia, why don't you take off your coat? It's very warm in here.

And maybe take off some of this shiny stuff from hijab, huh?

We don't want to seem too flashy.

Very good!

Well done, Alia.

Are we pretending to be Catholic?

Of course not! We're just showing that we can fit in.

Hello, hello! I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Asalaa...la la la la...

hallelujah!