Modern Family

Joe, you're going to see your first snow.

It's so exciting! I can't wait to make a snow person!

"Person"?

We got to get him out of that hippie school.

I don't know, Jay.

Last report card, he got straight dolphins.

Christmas in Colombia was always hot and loud,

people arguing, betrayal, schemes.

So I rented a Mountain cabin for the whole family

to celebrate my first Christmas as an American.

I want a white Christmas,

you know, like white people have.

Hey, want to hit the pipe one more time

before we get on the road?

Um, yeah. Couldn't hurt.

Oh, my God, we are killing it!

Last Christmas, Mitchell and I thought it would be fun

to sing a little Christmas Carol for the family.

Unfortunately, it didn't go

so well because somebody had a little too much to drink.

Stop doing that. I was nervous.

Mitchell?

The family has been mocking us relentlessly all year.

Nicknames like screeches & herb,

Simon & God-awful, nickelback.

But we're gonna redeem ourselves this year.

We have been rehearsing our new number for months,

and we will debut it at the cabin

as a special holiday "screw you" to the family.

Hey, Marty, listen,

it's your hotel, but a walnut closet

is a place your guests want to hang their clothes.

A particleboard closet... They want to hang themselves.

All this closet stuff is driving me nuts.

I want to get annoyed,

but it's hard when I feel this comfortable.

Oh, God, he's gonna talk about his new coat again.

It's like getting a big, warm hug from a mama sheep.

Nothing feels like pure sheepskin.

The gal at the store said

I looked like kris kristofferson.

We don't know who that is.

I have so much lab homework

to get done during this break.

If it were up to me,

Christmas wouldn't even come this year.

Any chance you could sound more like a cartoon villain?

Come on, Alex, it's three solid days of winter fun.

We're gonna go sledding, skating,

ice-fishing, make snow angels.

Who's with me?! Snow, snow!

Together: Snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow!

Snow?

No, that's a leaf.

It's hotter here than at home.

Gloria, in your little daily e-mails,

you said it was gonna be cold.

That's what my phone said.

- You're on celsius. - Oh.

It's going to be hot, guys!

Captions by vitac...

Oh, is the furnace on?!

Phil, take off that jacket.

You're making me hot just looking at you.

Saleslady said that would happen.

Trust me, I'm cool as cucumber.

Something about the coat just knows what my body needs.

You're sweating like a heroin addict.

Oh, hey, look, a piano.

Maybe we can get a little song from the crapenters.

- Hey. - Be cool.

Andy's fiancée, Beth, has to work,

so Gloria invited him for Christmas,

which is complicated

because we've been having sex and nobody knows about it.

I mean, we know.

My family cannot find out about us.

I'm certainly not gonna tell them.

I still have their respect.

Andy, chop-chop. Joe's making his bathroom face.

All right, let's just go home. I mean, it's hot.

There's no wi-fi. - Alex, stop being the grinch.

If that is the worst problem, then merry Christmas.

Oh, thank God you made it!

I thought you'd gotten into a horrible car accident!

Wait a second.

You're not trip, tad, Lois, Darcy, and Marlene.

- No, we're other names. - Who are you?

Fig Wilson.

My family's been coming here for the holidays for years.

We rented this cabin from the Wilsons.

They are in Hawaii. - Nobody told me that.

Okay, well, bye-bye.

How could they abandon me?

Uh, I'm the most caring one in the family.

I warn them about cancer.

I buy their fat kids clothes in aspirational sizes.

I invite them all to my dogs' funerals.

Last one ran straight into traffic.

I can see that.

Is it possible the invitation got lost?

I mean... You seem great.

Well, I guess I'll just get my bags and walk down the hill.

Hopefully, I'll get to the bus station before nightfall.

It's wolf season.

Why don't you stay here with us?

It's Christmas.

Oh.

First time I saw you,

I thought you were gonna be a pain in the ass,

but it turns out you're my favorite.

What do you think's in here?

No one told you the legend of the forgotten boy?

Happened right here 100 years ago.

A boy was very bad,

and his parents locked him in this secret room

and left him here forever.

They say at night, you can hear him

trying to scratch his way out.

We got her.

Idiots.

That was you scratching, right?

- Oh. - Oh, sorry.

- No, you go. - No, it's okay. After you.

Here, I'll just...

Oh, why don't I go...

What are you guys doing... Having a staring contest?

I got winners!

Later, though. Come here.

Andy...

I've got a very special present for you.

Did this guy tell you he passed his real-estate-license test?

I know. I helped him cram.

Ah, she's really drilling me pretty hard. Cool.

Listen, when I first got into real estate,

I worked at one of those big firms with the blazers.

I'd rather not say their name,

but it rhymed with "century not very fun."

Anyway, I saved this.

I'd like for you to have it.

Wow.

When you wear it, remember the values of our profession...

Trust, honor, integrity, fidelity, and purity.

Are you worthy of the blazer, Andy?

- - I want to be.

I didn't expect it to hit this hard.

Me either.

Who wants eggnog?

I'll take some.

I had a tough week at work.

What do you do? Oh, my dad and I are in the closet business.

I'm sorry, it almost sounded like you said, "closet business."

I did... residential and hospitality storage solutions.

Yikes.

Hey, specks, I'm dying over there.

What are you reading?

Science stuff. I'm sure it'll bore you.

I teach astrophysics at m.I.T.

Wait a minute.

Are you f.N. Wilson? - F-n right, I am!

We just read your essay on how solar flares

will wipe out life on earth!

Hopefully before closet lady corners me again.

Hey, hey, everybody's here,

so let's just casually make our way over to the piano. Okay, okay.

Ooh, what are we drinking there, miss Scarlet?

Relax. It's hot tea for my throat.

Oh, we should have lily film us.

- Oh, yeah. - Hey, lily, come here.

Okay, so, daddy and I are about to sing a Christmas song, and...

- I'm gonna stop you right there. - No, no.

No, it's not gonna be like last year

because we're prepared and we're singing "silent night."

That's my favorite. Can I sing with you?

Aaaaaah!

Both: Oh.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

I feel so lucky celebrating

with the best damn family any man could hope for.

- Aww! - Dad.

- And fig. - Hey, all!

Gloria and I have been talking about this for a while.

What with Joe getting older, I feel it's just the right time

to start a new chapter, which is why I've decided...

To retire.

- Oh, my. - What?!

Maybe "retired" is the wrong word...

More of a transition.

So, when people ask, "where's Jay pritchett?"

You tell them, "he's transitioning."

- Mm. - Okay, I heard it, too.

Let's go back to retiring.

Hey, we can finally rent that r.V.

And visit all of the major league ballparks.

You can probably go ahead and do that alone.

Uh, anyway, I had to ask myself,

"who's the best person to lead the company?"

And the answer is obvious.

Chuck feeny. - Who?

Gutters and screen hot shot out of Chicago.