New Girl

Hello?

Hello, "dog," it's Principal Foster.

Oh, hey. Did you just call me "dog"?

You're vice principal now. We're peers.

-Oh. -Good news, I have

a replacement for your science class.

It's about time, you old son of a bitch.

What?

-Too casual? -Uh, what?

-Hello? -Sorry, what? You're breaking up.

-Hello? -Dog?

-Hello? Sorry, hello? - I can't…hear you.

Bad reception, sorry.

-Hold on. - …breaking up…

I'm so sorry. They're building a new building next door

and I have terrible reception.

Hey, no more phone calls! Get out of my room!

It's the only place I can get a signal, dude, you know that.

-Out! -Look at the stick,

-is it red or blue? -Get out of my room.

-Well, sir, I… -Hello? Hello? Hello?

-Is it red or blue? -Hey, ow, Schmidt!

The scarf has been backordered a month.

Meanwhile the hat is just sitting here.

-This is not a business center. -Hello?

-Get out of my room. -Hello?

-It's my man time. Mama?

-Mama, unplug it, okay? Hello? Hello.

If you unplug it, it cannot electrocute you.

-It's blue? Oh, yes! Mr. Foster…

-No, I don't want blue. Hello, dog. Dog?

With a bisque hat? I'll look insane!

Why do you have an electric guitar?

-Aah! -Hello?

This phone situation has me really jazzed up! Excuse my language.

Now, I'm gonna propose something.

Something insane.

Now you just all have to stay calm

and trust me.

Fascinating.

Where do you put your music?

Why is there a rope?

- - It's ringing.

-Whoa, that's cool. -Just like the movies.

We should answer it with, like, really funny voices.

-Yeah. -We don't know who it is.

-It could be anybody. -Could be Tanya from sixth grade.

-Yeah. -

-Oh… -Oh.

Next time it rings, we should answer it.

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Jess!

Just can't stop looking at this thing.

Man, I used to be so great at talking on the phone, man.

You know, something about the cord

and the handset that just really set me at ease.

You were weirdly smooth.

If you slow dance with Nick,

I'll hold hands with Amy.

Just make sure she cut her fingernails, though.

Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.

I'm just being stupid.

Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.

It was going great, by the way.

If this isn't sexy,

I don't know what the heck is.

Something just came over him.

He was amazing.

I'm just excited to add a third number.

Home, work and cell.

Damn, I'm reachable. I'm definitely gonna

mention that in my profile in Business, Man! magazine.

-Businessman magazine? -No, no, no. Check that out.

Business, Man! magazine.

I've gotten a lot of heat from working on the sponge account.

I'm telling you, this is the first step in my quest

-to becoming a millionaire. -Well, I think that's a weird plan,

but let's drink to it, who's in?

No, come on, I got to study for my interview.

Oh, I would, man, but I got a lot of police stuff to study.

You know, like, roads,

laws, bullets…

Be really nice if you guys spent some time

and studied your friend Nick. Pop quiz, hotshots.

I miss you guys.

I don't understand what you're saying. Are you asking me a question?

For real, though, I miss you.

So we would just sit around and drink all day?

Aw, forget it, man! I'm storming off.

Oh!

Good morning, Vice Principal Day speaking.

What… Calm down!

What? Coach?

Coach…

Are you sleeping with the school nurse?

Jess, are you crazy?

Of course I'm sleeping with the school nurse.

-What? -Mazel tov.

-My man. Much respect. -Look at you getting up in there.

-Yeah. Living the dream. -Great.

That's really hot, dude. -That's really great. For me.

We have to fill out a form declaring our relationship?

Yes, it's a legal thing.

We're just covering our asses.

While you uncover yours.

Sorry, that was an unfortunate joke.

Um, anyway, uh, how did this start?

Uh, fine. A couple of weeks ago I got a cut.

Mm-hmm. -And I went to the nurse.

-Okay. -And when I saw her,

I was like, "damn."

And I was, like, "You frickin' got a cut."

And I was like, "You frickin' better fix it."

And she was like, "No. Cuts are gross."

-Yeah. -And then we had sex.

Yeah.

That's disturbing… on so many levels.

Um, I'm sorry, but your outfit

looks like you got it at a Halloween store.

Thank you. Coach got it for me.

It's a child's medium.

What'd you put for "nature of relationship"? "Girlfriend"?

Well, that's what I actually wanted to talk to you about.

-'Cause, uh, we hadn't… -Question mark?

Um, it didn't feel like a question mark

when you put a calamari on my finger like an engagement ring.

That didn't seem like a question mark to you?

-And it's squid. -Jess,

someone's in my parking spot again.

-Not now, Rose. -Hey, Ernie.

-Hey. -Last night was really fun.

I found your swim trunks.

-They're ruined. Really fun. -Ah, come on. Yeah?

I thought you ditched this bitch.

I will send your weave right back to the loom!

-Oh, no, no. -Guys…

-Oh, yeah! -Ladies, stop.

- -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

See what you did?

This is a different form.

- -

All right.

- -Settle down, I'm coming.

Hello?

No, Schmidt's not here.

No one's here. I'm here by myself.

Because I work at night, which means I'm probably

the one who should answer the phone during the day.

Great, yeah, I'll tell him.

Great. Let's get a phone so Nick can answer it.

- -

What? I'm busy.

Winston's not here.

Really?

Uh-huh. Okay, I'll pass it on.

Okay, you too.

My gentlemen, I'm glad you're home.

I got your messages.

All right, here you go.

-Wow. Are these alphabetized? -Yeah, you're welcome.

I felt like a secretary. It was pretty awesome.

Some auto body shop called, Schmidt,

apparently you're getting a spoiler?

I'm not getting a…

I just wanted a quote. Yeah, I get a quote

just in case I do want to actually buy one.

And it's nice to have a price before

you get emotionally invested. It's called predicting desires.

What I wish I would have said is when I first said it,

"Spoiler alert."

I wish it… When I… I wish I would have said, um,

"You're getting a spoiler,

-"spoiler alert." -I don't think that would have helped.

I'm just getting a quote, okay? It's really none of your business.

Definitely noted. Thanks, my man. For the…

Winston, uh…

Who's this gal Judy?

I've never heard of her. She called twice.

-Who is this woman? - She's nobody.

Doesn't sound like nobody. Where'd you guys meet?

-At the driving range. -The driving range?

-But you don't golf. -Uh, I like to watch?

Winston, you go to the driving range just to watch?

-Yeah. -Very strange, very strange.

Let's get back to this Judy character,

because I am interested.

-You made love to her yet? -I don't know.

Leave me alone, dude. Honestly, stop.

That's not even a big… I don't even like her that much, all right?

-Just, ugh. I'm probably gonna dump her. -Do you want to talk about it?

Just kidding. I'm messing with you.

Are you guys having as much fun as I'm having right now?

This landline has really brought us together in a great way.

I miss this.

Hey, if I cooked up a whole chicken, would you guys have some?

Those look like two hungry faces.

Wow. That was intrusive.