New Girl

Mm.

You know you want in on this, man.

A little fatty toon, little yellow T…

Cali roll.

Samurai snack.

So scrummy.

I'm… I'm good with this.

Looks like you're soloing on $80 worth of sushi, Schmidt.

'Cause I got the means, player.

Look, I get why you don't want to get down there.

But, Winston, you got to climb aboard, man.

You got a serious J-O-B now.

-Serious? -Yeah.

Dude, it's a temp job.

If by "serious," you mean "piece of crap," then yeah, it's serious.

I'm surprised you haven't made a game of it.

Oh, I've tried.

I'm losing my mind, guys.

You know, I sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord

just to feel something.

What's up, guys?

Nobody has any lady guests coming over tonight, right?

Lady guests?

And how do you feel about opening your home and your hearts

to the youth of America?

Yo, Miss Day, where should we set up these bells?

Hey, girl, whatcha doing?

Hey, girl, where you going?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

-Who's that girl? -It's Jess!

I'm so sorry, you guys.

I should have told you, but the community center decided

to turn our rehearsal space back into a hallway, so…

I had nowhere to go.

Is this something that a mean, creative judge made you do?

Yeah, this is just like a nightmare I had

where you brought over teenagers with bells.

These kids had a choice

between early morning detention and music, and they all chose music.

No kidding?

Desiree, bells are not for hitting.

The kids wanted to play band instruments, but we got a huge donation of handbells,

-which are très, très dope. Miss Day,

can I eat some of these crackers up in here?

No, no, no.

Water crackers are for adults… To eat with adult cheese.

Can I eat a cracker sushi sandwich?

-No. Jess. So, what,

you guys are gonna sit around all night playing Jingle Bells?

Jingle Bells is a trash song played on a trash instrument,

and I'm not really asking permission, I'm giving you a heads-up.

Well, that got serious.

Anyway, you are gonna love these kids.

Thank you, Schmidt.

Wonderful.

Great, guys!

So good.

Just think, you could be in detention right now.

Is it too late to choose detention?

We suck.

We don't suck, we just need a little bit of rehearsal.

Hector, okay, good!

Big finish, and… we're out.

I'm so proud of you.

That's what it feels like to play a song sort of together.

Bring it in.

In.

Yes.

-Ensembell! -Ensembell!

-Five minutes of text time. You earned it. -

Oh, dear… Miss Day!

Desiree?

Miss Day!

Oh!

You got a twisted toilet, Miss Day.

Nick!

Toilet situation! Code one! Water only!

-You didn't tell her the system? -Oh, I'm sorry, she went rogue.

You have to turn on the faucet before you flush the toilet, 'cause…

All right.

Thank you, Nick.

All right. There we go, no problem.

Perfect. You did it.

The plastic soda bottle is right where it's supposed to be,

-back in the wall hole. -What? It's fixed.

I've heard that before.

It's fixed.

It's fixed.

It's fixed.

Okay, Nick, repeat after me.

I am not the Chinese kid from Goonies.

You know, I fix things just to the point of working, Schmidt.

If you want a fancy-fix, just say so.

Okay.

Please fancy-fix the toilet.

That's all you had to say.

That actually sounds really good.

- -

Whoa.

You're amazing!

Goose pimples.

Look. Each one…

A memory.

Winston, please help me.

Just hear me out.

Two things women love…

Alternative percussion players and role models.

The kids would love it, and we'd get to spend time together.

You got to do it. It's a mitzvah, bro.

-Are you sure you've never rung before? -Believe it or not, Jess,

I have never played handbells before.

I just pick things up easy, that's all.

I know handbells aren't the coolest instrument in the world,

they might not even be the fifth coolest, but the kids would love it,

it would really mean a lot to them.

And if they saw how good you are, I think they'd really get into it

and maybe try a little bit harder.

Also, there's, like, a lot of potentially

cool, like, bell shorthand we could use to talk about…

Nick…

While he's right there, we'll be, like…

"Nick's such a tinkle!" "I think he's more like a tonkel."

Tinkle and tonkel are potential bell talk we could use.

I get it. Just be cool, please.

I am cool.

Before you make your decision,

I'd only need you till the concert on Sunday.

I don't know, I think I could be into this.

Yay!

And with that statement, he never had sex again.

Winston and me are playing bells every day…

Until Sunday. I'm cool.

Nick, look, I don't mean to nag you, but how long is this gonna take?

Fancy-fix, fancy amount of time.

'Cause I would like to use my own bathroom now.

-Sir, bathrooms are for customers only. -Mm.

How dare you.

If only there were some sort of pipe and…

And water expert that we could hire to come and fix this problem.

-Yeah, I can't afford a plumber. -A plumber!

That's what it's called!

You really want to do this?

You want to have this fight with me?

You want to go down this path, Schmidt?

I don't know, is this a path that you recently fixed?

It's called self-reliance.

'Cause unlike you, Schmidt, I don't just throw my money at problems.

All I'm hearing is that I can't use my bathroom because you're poor.

Look, it's your lucky day, buddy.

I'm gonna pay for the plumber.

No, Schmidt, I don't want your charity.

Well, you seem very happy using my emergency tools.

Oh, yeah? Do you even know what this is?

-Doy, it's a scissor. -Yeah, that's exactly right.

A scissor. Really, Schmidt?

Yeah, a scissors that you just threw in the turdlet.

So, tonight at rehearsal, keep an eye out for Hector.

I'm having trouble getting him to interact.

He really wants to play the drums,

so I told him bells were the next best thing, which was a lie,

so I couldn't keep a straight face while I was saying it.

-He saw right through me. -

So, why do you do this bell thing, Jess?

I mean, like, how do you win?

You don't win. You win by helping the kids.

I just want to get them to care and try hard, you know?

-So you want them to try hard? -Yeah.

I'll get them to try hard.

No, I'm telling you, they're not gonna listen to you.

Okay.

Oh, what, a plumber?

You plan it this way? Just to rub my face in it?

Yes, I wanted to rub your face in our working toilet.

Great. Well, that working toilet I will never use.

You're never gonna go to the bathroom again?

-Oh, you're the soda bottle guy. -Yeah.

That was actually pretty smart.

Thank you! Thank you.

-And I have nothing to say to you. -Okay.

Question for you, sir. How much did he pay for this?

All right, you know what? That's enough.

-$50? $100? -Inappropriate.

Hey, my name's Schmidt. I was born rich.

-I had a $40,000 bar mitzvah. -Okay.

How long you do the petty act for, man, huh?

A week? A month? Is…

Is this "my favorite bedspread" all over again?

That was a handmade gift my nanny gave me…

-Mm-hmm. -…that you spilled

a pitcher of Midori Sours on, and now you bring it up like it's nothing?

I left you a check for $30 on your pillow.

Your nanny gave you that thing for free,

so as far as I'm concerned, you're up 30 bucks.

My nanny is dead! I'm not looking to make money off of her!

I will not apologize again for the Midori Sours!

Who drinks Midori Sours?